Knowledge

[Delta40]

A bleak short wick,
its shifty shadow
flickers across my page.
I move around
through dreary darkness,
singeing my fingers
in aromatic pools
of melting wax
collecting in the pricket.

Ah the sorrows that a sunrise
cannot shake!

Lavendar scent
burns for enlightenment,
though shapes and patterns
elude me by glimmers.
If only my waxed ends
could drag luster into the dim,
dying light
of this grotesque form,
a pathetic taper no less.

[Delta40]

I'm a bit unsure about the use of semi-colons

[ShadowsCool]

I'm a bit unsure about the use of semi-colons

It's always a tough decision. Should one use them or should they not. They tend to slow down the flow of the poem. I'd much rather write a poem without any punctuation. :lol:

[Delta40]

How does this poem strike you Shadow (punctuation or not)

[MystyrMystyry]

I like! It has a hint of The Raven, a slight prequel - sort of what the narrator may have been up to before the rap tap tapping.

[ShadowsCool]

This is my breakdown Delta. My interpretation in my own sense.

Stanza 1.
Lines 1-3 A short wick shadow flickers across my page

Lines 4-6 I move around in dreary darkness with singed fingers

Lines 7-9 "Didn't do much for me. It feels disjointed."

Stanza 2: Ah the sorrows that the daylight cannot shake!

Stanza 3:

Lines 1-4 "I saw": Lavender scent

Lines 5-6 If only my waxed ends could luster the dim

Lines 7-9 The dying light of my grotesque form

I know what I did was unusual. But the poem has images that I could not connect to. It feels disjointed. It's prolly just me. Idk:p

[Silas Thorne]

I like it, but am trapped in the pricket. :)

[The Artist]

Not that I don't like it, because I do. I just have seen this style of poetry being overdone so many times. It either is too vague for the normal reader to understand or too simple that it makes the more professional reader feel stupid. I think it lies somewhere in-between these two types. With that being said, in a poet standpoint, I love it. It's a great read, and you should be very proud. From a personal standpoint, I am unsure. But whatever, to each their own, right? :D

[Twota]

Ah the sorrows that a sunrise
cannot shake!

I like this. :(

[Delta40]

Thanks guys. I was really running out of creative juice and scraped this from the bottom of the cat's bowl!

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta,

The first thing which smacks the critic between the eyes is the opening, mainly because it's kind of clunky. It doesn't flow so well as the rest of the sanza because the syntax is a bit suspect.

"The shifty shadow
of a bleak short wick
flickers across my page."

whould be a better sentence and actually is quite atmospheric, but what the hell does it mean? Why is the wick bleak and why or how is it casting a shifty shadow?

"The failing flame
on a brief caught wick
casts its light upon my page."

Would tie in better with the body of the poem.

I do have a problem with "dreary darkness" in connection with candlelight. For me there's something cosey about it. Yes it can be dim, but I've always found it cheerful. I might not feel the same way about black candles I suppose :D but yours seem to be lavender.

The commentary, one sentence stanza, intrudes rather and seems to have little relevence. It's an extraneous "woe is me" talking about indeterminate sorrows. Doesn't really add much to the poem, which is essentially about ambience and place. In S3 What are your "waxed ends" and what grotesque form are you talking about? It reads as the pathetic taper, but I can't imagine a simple taper as grotesque, at least not unless it's made from a dead man's finger, or something. The "dying light" on it's own line is a bit heavy handed and would read better if the subsequent line were tacked onto it.

The only way I can make sense of the business with the taper is if the waxed ends are in fact a waxed end, and refers to the taper which is pathetic because it's nearly burnt out. Still doesn't make it grotesque though. Now if you are wandering around dipping your finger (singular) into the hot wax and therefore have a waxed end (singular) then we start to get a different flavour, because this then makes your finger a grotesque and pathetic taper. But you need to tidy up the ending:

"If only my waxed end
could share the luster
of dying light;
a grotesque
pathetic
taper."

Would be heading in the right direction, I think. Much more moody and magnificent, methinks. But then again I could be way off base here. what do I know? lol. It definitely feels more Poe-ish like this ;)

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk. I will edit it later. Waxed ends are my fingertips.