The Sin of Rhyme

[Delta40]

There in his nightshirt
hope's candle by his bed
the nightcap askew
till fallen from his head.

Clammy sweat pored downward
as I bathed his glistening brow
to release the angry fever
and dampen future vows.

One day when delerious
fancying my virtue by trust
I dreamed we'd soon be married
when we ate the holy crust.

Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
did snuff the haughty spark
as evil gushes from his mouth
such vileness in the dark.

[ShadowsCool]

You know I really liked this Delta.

If I may add. I think it sounds better with a modern rendition. For instance:

There in your nightshirt
hope's candle by the bed
the nightcap askew
till fallen from your head.

Clammy sweat pored downward
as I bathed your glistening brow
to release the angry fever
and dampen future vows.

Delerious was I one day
fancying my virtue by trust
I dreamed we'd soon be married
when we ate the holy crust.

Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
did snuff the haughty spark
as evil gushed from the mouth
with vile verses in the dark.

[Hawkman]

The greatest sin here is saying thou when you should have said thy :D

You hiccuped in the metre here:

"Delerious was I one day
fancying my virtue by trust"

try:

"One day, when delirious
my virtue kept in trust"

and here:

"Yet the touch of the Devil's hand
did snuff the haughty spark
as evil gushed from the mouth
with vile verses in the dark."

try:

"but the devil's hand put out
my haughty beacon in the dark,
now evil gushes on the page
to leave it's vile mark."

live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Nicely done, Delta. The Hawk seems right about the 'thy' thing. 'Holy crust' is probably supposed to mean religious ceremonial bread, but this reader finds the word 'crust' icky in most contexts. What's that on the old bishop's moustache/nostrils? Holy crust.






J

[Charles Darnay]

Thou = subject
Thy = possessive

So thy is indeed correct.

Otherwise, great poem.

[Delta40]

Yeah, I struggle badly with the thee, thy and thou. I actually wrote it without all those silly words in the first place - although Charles thinks I'm correct. Conflict!!!!

I'll take them out at some point. Thanks for the suggestions everyone on a poem I don't give a fig about. My point is metre and rhyme are not my forte in life!

[Twota]

I really like the first 4 stanzas!

[Bar22do]

Nce poem Delta, but Charles too corroborates Hawk's and Jack's knowledge ("THOU who are not, help THY creation...." :brow: ) now "go and don't sin anymore!" he he

[MorpheusSandman]

I love those closing lines, but this: "fancying my virtue by trust" has me a bit baffled.

[billl]

All in a day's work, for... Poetry Repairman! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U01xasUtlvw)

[MystyrMystyry]

This is really very well done in many respects Delta - you've sustained the tone throughout as you're so often able to do, but also the rhyme and metre which just from a glance is a brave departure, and though I know you've managed traditional form before (I can't remember the last time but I know they're fairly rare from your prolific pen) this has sense and purpose


(incidentally Billl's link crashed my computer :( )

[YesNo]

I liked "holy crust". You probably wouldn't have thought of that without needing a rhyme with "trust". I think you could do away with using "thee" and "thou" without making a difference. So who was committing the sin of rhyme? The lover or the "I" character? Or both? I also liked the "vile verses" that the Devil made one say.

[AuntShecky]

I just use modern idioms-- "you, yours," etc. Or if the thing is set in Brooklyn--"youse."

Why is rhyme a sin though?

[Delta40]

Oh it was just a play on my own poetic limitations Auntie. Nice to see you back online.