Daydreams

[hallaig]

Daydreams


I spend my day
by a narrow window.
There’s cloud like mist,
a meticulously tiled roof,
a gull about to step off
into the unseen
dizziness of space.

Through the window
are other windows, too,
and behind them people
swim mysteriously
back and forth,
as though butting the sides
of a bowl.

When I tire of watching this,
I turn to things I wish
would happen.
Light is photons
flying through the air like birds,
after all,
blazing as dreams.

Is it possible
to step through the glass
into the air
like the gull,
into the dream?
All is light till light dies
when love dies too, and dreams.

[Hawkman]

I really like this hallaig, but the subject change mid stanza to a description of light after the statement of wishing something else would happen is bewildering. It kind of feels as though it's been used as padding to make up the line count and dreams, dream, dreams repeating frequently in the last two stanzas is noticeable and jarring. Having said that, "and dreams dream dreams" is kind of magical, I might use that :D

I'd suggest a rethink of S3 and cut "and dreams" from the end of S4, perhaps replacing it with "it seems." There's a lot to like in this poem though, and the first two stanzas are strong in my opinion (fwiw).

live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Really liked the image of people moving beyond windows as butting the sides of the bowl, 'aig. But the talking about photons seemed a bit strange. Also, you use the word 'dream' in three separate lines in the second half of the poem- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the poem's so short that a reader couldn't help but notice. The same thing for the word 'window' in the first half of the poem. And the last line about love seems oddly placed. It's a good line, but let's just say this reader didn't know the poem was about love until the end of it?

However, it does have that washed over 'daydream' quality about it. It was a pleasure to read.





J