Two poems about parents.. Are they teen angst?

[Bewlay Brother]

Considering the topic, I'm a bit afraid these poems will come across as teen angst. Do you think these poems have twilight-esque angst? Or they make you want to slap the speaker and tell them to stop whining and to grow up?



If I did something like
Flooding the entire world
Because I didn’t like the way people lived
That would be rather sinful of me
However when God does such things
It isn’t a sin
Because he is God

Apparently
The same sort of phenomenon
Applies to parents



On this farm
I’ve learned to love shaving wood
The same way I’ve slaved to shave turkey

Wood can be mutilated
Into nearly any creative force

My dad sickens me
Insisting I make cabinets and shelves!
He has no open mind
Barely even open eyes
When I show him my wood sculptures that
I feel,
Mean something more

One time he even called me “whimsical”
During angry ramblings
About God creating the trees
And how cruelly I try to make them “my own”
Usually I laugh when he uses words the wrong way
But not that time

Working hard straightens your spine
Working hard makes you wake up on time
But he doesn’t work hard
I don’t care how callused his hands are
He is a deviant with an elbow-grease fetish

[Jack of Hearts]

Oh yes. The first poem reads angsty in a Sunday morning comic strip kind of way. The second one reads angsty as well, but it seems to need a little more care (an edit or two).

But there's nothing wrong with being angsty or writing poems about it. For one, everyone feels that way sometimes. For two, you can't help what you feel. If 'disillusionment' is what you're aiming for, it's probably going to be much more subtle. It also implies the loss of a kind of perspective, the gaining of new perspective and the associated fatigue/emotions. This just reads like being pissed at your parents, which is transient; disillusionment seems more lasting, character shaping (in a forward thinking fashion).





J

[Bewlay Brother]

Oh yes. The first poem reads angsty in a Sunday morning comic strip kind of way. The second one reads angsty as well, but it seems to need a little more care (an edit or two).

But there's nothing wrong with being angsty or writing poems about it. For one, everyone feels that way sometimes. For two, you can't help what you feel. If 'disillusionment' is what you're aiming for, it's probably going to be much more subtle. It also implies the loss of a kind of perspective, the gaining of new perspective and the associated fatigue/emotions. This just reads like being pissed at your parents, which is transient; disillusionment seems more lasting, character shaping (in a forward thinking fashion).

J


What do you mean by "Sunday morning comic strip" kind of way?

This is kind of embarrassing, but now that I think of it... I used the wrong word when I said disillusionment. :redface:

The first one is mocking his parents in a tongue-in-cheek way, but with frustration and resentment brewing underneath. (and to an extent, mocking the way they follow their religion.)

The second one is aiming for disgust. Disgust with feeble-minded people and brutes, and extra special disgust for his dad, who he thinks should at least temporarily pretend to have sensibilities and appreciation for art to support him since he is the father. And again, to some extent disgust with the way he follows his religion.

(I'm not saying these two poems accomplished all those things.. I'm only saying that's what I was aiming for, as opposed to "disillusionment" which I mistakenly said before.)

I'm okay with it fitting the definition of angsty. I just don't want it to be like twilight-angst. Like, something that you just want to slap the kid and tell him to stop whining or say "grow up". Is this Twilight-esque angst?

Thank you so much for your feedback though.

[Delta40]

I rather liked the second poem. Some of the lines:

And how cruelly I try to make them “my own”

And the last stanza too. I get that it is angsty but I personally don't have a problem with it myself since we're all subject to it at a particular time of our life. I think the second poem has a greater potential for realising the gap between your father and yourself through the wood and probably your love for him as well.

[Hawkman]

I don't think they come over as angsty, they're too funny for that. As humour they work very well. They have such a detached, satirical quality about them.

Live and be well - H

[MorpheusSandman]

The problem with the first is that it reads more like a logical argument than a poem, and to pull of logical arguments in poetry you really need to read the metaphysical poets, because they could wrap an argument in the most imaginative metaphors, but without those metaphors it just reads very dryly. What's good about the second is that it brings it into a context, one in which there there is a relationship based around working on wood and in the forest. That piece is at its weakest when it's most direct. "My dad sickens me" just tells the reader how you feel, but the real art of poetry is in making the reader feel such things by manipulating the language and the story in the right way. You could rewrite those last three stanzas as something like:

When I show my dad my wood sculptures that
I feel,
Mean something
He insists I make cabinets and shelves.

One time he even called me “whimsical”
While rambling about God creating trees
And how I shouldn’t try to make them “mine”
I’d usually laugh
But not that time

Working hard straightens your spine
Working hard makes you wake up on time
But despite his callused his hands
He merely has an elbow-grease fetish

Now, I wouldn't recommend copying that word-for-word, but in such a rewrite the reader is tasked with imagining your dad as all the things you said about him in the original. Instead of telling us he's a deviant, you can suggest it by saying he has an "elbow-greese fetish," or instead of telling us you hate him, you can suggest this with the "I'd usually laugh / but not that time," because we as readers sense that the reason you didn't laugh was because you were being ridiculed by him for doing something that was meaningful to you.

These are things to keep in mind in the future when you write such pieces. One way to avoid being over-angsty is to learn how to transfer that emotion to the readers, rather than just telling the readers how you feel about it.

[Bewlay Brother]

The problem with the first is that it reads more like a logical argument than a poem, and to pull of logical arguments in poetry you really need to read the metaphysical poets, because they could wrap an argument in the most imaginative metaphors, but without those metaphors it just reads very dryly. What's good about the second is that it brings it into a context, one in which there there is a relationship based around working on wood and in the forest. That piece is at its weakest when it's most direct. "My dad sickens me" just tells the reader how you feel, but the real art of poetry is in making the reader feel such things by manipulating the language and the story in the right way. You could rewrite those last three stanzas as something like:

When I show my dad my wood sculptures that
I feel,
Mean something
He insists I make cabinets and shelves.

One time he even called me “whimsical”
While rambling about God creating trees
And how I shouldn’t try to make them “mine”
I’d usually laugh
But not that time

Working hard straightens your spine
Working hard makes you wake up on time
But despite his callused his hands
He merely has an elbow-grease fetish

Now, I wouldn't recommend copying that word-for-word, but in such a rewrite the reader is tasked with imagining your dad as all the things you said about him in the original. Instead of telling us he's a deviant, you can suggest it by saying he has an "elbow-greese fetish," or instead of telling us you hate him, you can suggest this with the "I'd usually laugh / but not that time," because we as readers sense that the reason you didn't laugh was because you were being ridiculed by him for doing something that was meaningful to you.

These are things to keep in mind in the future when you write such pieces. One way to avoid being over-angsty is to learn how to transfer that emotion to the readers, rather than just telling the readers how you feel about it.

Those are amazing recommended lines. They make the poem a better standalone poem. Though I'm doing a concept poetry book, and it follows the main character from life to death. The way you rewrite it makes the speaker of poem look unhappy and feel hurt by his dad not supporting him, which is the standard reaction a normal person would have. However, the MC of the poem is genuinely repulsed by his dads inability to appreciate something grand, and in his mind it makes his dad less of a person.

So, I used some of your changes in case I ever submit this poem individually somewhere, but for the way I plan on using this poem currently I think what I have captures his detachment and disgust well and gives foundation for how he changes and acts throughout rest of poetry book.

Thank you very much. Everyone has had excellent feedback so far.