smore pomes

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[Bar22do]

You haven't been posting for so long! Jack! and you deleted your last thread's two poems for some (to me unknown) reason before I could read them...

So I'm happy to read these two - true jewels of thought and language and your immense talent!

You "breathe the waves breaking," she "drink(s) words in" and "sees
the rhymes her mother sang her coming true"!

"Do you feel like I do,
drifting among the shadows of pine trees?"

- I did yesterday, and so drifted in the Valley of the Cross (well, not by the sea), where pines are majority, with birds' singing and spring scents to keep me company, it was a quiet, delicious shabbat afternoon.

I found the half rhyme (slant rhyme?) of your first strophe sometimes-sunlight inspired and both poems so elegant, well-crafted while flowing so naturally.

This is good Poetry, Heart, a great pleasure to read you! Please post more!

[Hawkman]

Hi Jack:

The lake to the Leaves: is almost perfect. It's pacing is impeccable and combines a sense of the majestic with the intimacy of individual experience. The only tiny quibble I have is at your use of reclines with lies, which is tautologous. I'd suggest 'inclines' for reclines.

Paisely:

has a few problems though. S1's she is written in a detached 3'rd person commentary but from S2 you are adressing the subject directly. Also S1 should end with a full stop. "so cry into the cloth..." is telling her what to do, not describing what she does. The switch jars the established relationship between the reader and the subject. "so she cries into the cloth..." would maintain it. Likewise, "her" for "you" in the last line of S3. The "to" in this line, as it is unpuntuated, doesn't sit well in conveying meaning in the context of the last stanza. I also feel that a comma at the end of S2 would contextualise S3 better, in that it would flow more natually into that last line, but I still think you'd need a comma after love, so the, "to make (her) whole again," would make more sense. Alternatively you could replace "to" with "which". As it is, the various elements don't hang together as well as they could.

Even so, this poem has much to enjoy, and the images and context of the patterned cloth are striking, even though paisely is printed, not stained. Actually, "stained" is a really odd word to use here, so I guess you must be intending to convey something in it's use, which I'm afraid, eludes me.

Live and be well - H

[Twota]

I love them, inspiring. :D

[DocHeart]

THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES;

Do you feel like I do,
drifting through the shadows of pine trees?
It gets so hard to see sometimes,
the gloom of the branches,
the burstings of sunlight.

I can feel my body unwind,
it lies on the foothills
and reclines to the sea.

Yes, I lay me down.
I breathe the waves breaking.




So evocative. I choose to understand this as an account of blissful resignation, of letting go, simply allowing emotions or ideas to spread and sprawl and become one with the sea - even though neither "the gloom of the branches" nor "the burstings of sunlight" are clearly visible. Such negative or positive elements are almost irrelevant to the lake, which (who?) merely unwinds and surrenders to the greater body of water.

Instead of "burstings", do you think "bursts" would sound better?




PAISELY

Long ago she'd stained her blue dress paisley.
In the darkness, drinking words in, she sees
the rhymes her mother sang her coming true,

so cry into the cloth
between the stars and the moon.

Tear-shaped paisley,
the tail chasing the end
like swirls of ouroboros,
like love to make you whole again.


What are the rhymes that her mother sang? Why do they make her shed tears onto the elaborate pattern? I enjoy pondering these questions, and they give this piece a lasting appeal for me.

I also enjoyed the ouroboros coming just before the becoming whole again notion. These go well together. I was slightly confused at first by "the tail chasing the end", and thought it should read "the tail chasing the head", or even "the head chasing the tail". But then again, tails and ends both come at the very "back" of things. Pouring a scotch, I decided to assume this was intentional, and in this way add to the delicious mystery of the piece.

My thanks for sharing, dear Jack.

Regards,
DH

[miyako73]

Jack, in my reading, this is poetry. This is the kind of poem that makes me reread and reread without feeling dumb or silly.

THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES;

Do you feel like I do,
drifting through the shadows of pine trees?
It gets so hard to see sometimes,
the gloom of the branches,
the burstings of sunlight.

I can feel my body unwind,
it lies on the foothills
and reclines to the sea.

Yes, I lay me down.
I breathe the waves breaking.

[ShadowsCool]

I like the Lake to the Leaves.
It has a shadowy mellow feel.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks everyone! Doc and Hawk, your suggestions seem correct... in a way. Hawk, you're mostly right about the second poem. You analytic deconstruction of it is admirable, but the honest truth of it is that the second poem didn't come from the same 'place' that the first one did, if that makes sense. The second poem was... too forced and unnatural, and this reader thinks you immediately picked up on that. This poster writes poetry intuitively and can't really offer deep analysis beyond that- first poem was genuine, felt genuine. Second poem didn't. Being an amateur, JoH still has much to learn. Thanks for steering the ship in the right direction, as usual.

And Doc, you're spot on the money too. You picked out things that show the poems could use another edit, or more time and attention. This poster is guilty as charged for being impulsive and undisciplined about it, and certainly ought to heed the advice that comes from your perspective.

Bar, you're very kind. That was quite a compliment and strong encouragement. Thank you!

Thanks for reading, Twota. Nice to write with you again.

And Shadows, glad you liked it, thanks for reading.







J

[Jerrybaldy]

reading your poetry Jack makes me feel proud that you notice a thing I write

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks JB, that's a really kind compliment.






J

[MorpheusSandman]

The Lake to the Leaves: I liked everything except the first line, which made me think of Peter Frampton. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYGp5shqLZgP) I'm also not a big fan of the "Yes" that begins the last stanza. But "breathes the waves breaking" is inspired.

Paisely: I mostly agree with Hawk's criticism, but I think the only thing it needs is a period at the end of the first stanza, which can make the change of address a dynamic turn in the poem.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks Mr. Sandman for reading and giving the feedback. Next time, don't hesitate, because this poster's love won't wait (he loves your way).






J

[DocHeart]

This poster is guilty as charged for being impulsive and undisciplined about it, and certainly ought to heed the advice that comes from your perspective.




J

If I ever give you (or anyone) advice to stop being impulsive and undisciplined, my dear friend, please grab an empty bottle from the kitchen and attack with it my musty head.

:cheers2:

[Jack of Hearts]

Musty Head (A Poem by DocHeart)

If I ever give you
(or anyone) advice
to stop being impulsive
and undisciplined, my dear friend,
please grab an empty bottle from the kitchen
and attack with it

my musty head.

[Bar22do]

Jack, bravo for revealing Doc's intrinsic poetic mind! well done, both!

[Jack of Hearts]

Yep, that ol Doc is sumthin special. Nice to exchange with you again, Bar.






J

[Bar22do]

Doc? of course, I know, I read all he writes (here at least). I meant the accent was on intrinsic and the compliment for the two of you!

[Jack of Hearts]

Toda rabah Bar.







J

[qimissung]

Love them both, Jack of Hearts, expecially the last two lines of both. The first is mellow, and both are seetly thoughtful, without delving into true melancholy. The first one, in fact, seems reverent to me, and the second, sweetly, abruptly, thought-provoking.

[Bar22do]

Toda rabah Bar.
J

b'simha, "Lev Ya'akobi"! :smile5:

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks qi! Was wondering where you were hiding out... maybe it's time for you to post one.





J

[AuntShecky]

THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES;

Do you feel like I do,
drifting through the shadows of pine trees?
It gets so hard to see sometimes,
the gloom of the branches,
the burstings of sunlight.

I can feel my body unwind,
it lies on the foothills
and reclines to the sea.

Yes, I lay me down.
I breathe the waves breaking.



Nice dramatic opening.
I'd change "burstings" to "bursts" which would make it structurally parallel to
gloom.

2nd strophe perfect as it is.

I've heard "I lay me down" before-- some Scottish ballad or Paul Simon?

Interesting use of the verb "breathe." It's usually intransitive, right?


PAISELY

Long ago she'd stained her blue dress paisley.
In the darkness, drinking words in, she sees
the rhymes her mother sang her coming true,

so cry into the cloth
between the stars and the moon.

Tear-shaped paisley,
the tail chasing the end
like swirls of ouroboros,
like love to make you whole again.

I'd drop the second "her" in line 3.
Period after "true."
The 2nd strophe begins a new sentence, so capitalize "so." And I take the verb "cry" to be imperative.

Had to look up "ouroboros." Then I remembered. The image works well with paisley. Didn't get the last line at all. "Like love to make you whole again." "Like love, it makes you whole again." or "like loving to make you whole again" or "I'd like (or love) to make you whole again."

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed, very much, THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES.

It resonates well within my being.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Jack of Hearts]

Wow, thanks for digging this thread up guys and reading. Kind of you to respond.
It's encouraging.





J