Beleaguered

[Bar22do]

I wish I could say openness
for the dire void
of this bustling assortment
fenced by the rims of earth -

barbed,
dawns are ever painwaking.

(Jerusalem, May, 18, 2012)

[PrinceMyshkin]

"fenced by the rims of earth" is an especially effective line.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm not sure about the closing word "painwaking," which seems to be a neologism, but I love the the the title of the piece, especially as it's contrasted with the opening line. "Beleaguered," which gives the sense of being surrounded, invaded, and harassed, as oppose to the "openness" of the void which we usually imagine. In fact, that juxtaposition is so effective, I almost feel everything after is just a restatement.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, Prince.
Morpheus, I did look for the right contrast in the title, glad it worked for you.
I could reduce the poem further to something like "beset with world's noisy void" but it then would be a mere scream...

Thank you both for your comments, always appreciated, goes without saying.

[Jerrybaldy]

You had me at 'dire void' :)

[Delta40]

I think painwaking is really interesting and prompts us to think about the continuance of pain more. Painstaking might not be appropriate in this context. Your economy of words here is marvellous Bar and I agree with Prince, fenced by the rims of earth is a very effective line indeed.

[Bar22do]

Thank you Jerry and Delta!

[Jack of Hearts]

I wish I could say openness
for the dire void
of this bustling assortment
fenced by the rims of earth -

barbed,
dawns are ever painwaking.

(Jerusalem, May, 18, 2012)

This little guy packs a punch, Bar. This reader got the image of the sun coming up over a barbed wire fence. The word 'painwaking' couldn't be more appropriate (especially for someone viewing the sunrise from behind a barbed wire fence). At the very least, it's an interesting fusion.






J

[Silas Thorne]

I also love this little poem. It really has bite. Don't be afraid of making up new words. We are making new concepts all the time when writing.

The concept of a barbed dawn is certainly painwaking.

[Bar22do]

Jack and Silas - thanks so very much - glad it did work for you - this is encouraging (especially after my computer has died and I am in a street internet cafe looking for a technician...) - be all well.

[kittypaws]

OK here is my read. to be surrounded by an "army" of emotional and personal and physical attacks and wishing for some honesty, righteous and relief. Yet knowing that this feeling is not singled out but experienced by thousands, even millions crying out; each day hoping for a new beginning.

Bar22...this is how your poem made me feel.
and poetry is all about what the reader takes away from it; is it not?

hugs ~ kittypaws

PS I hope this is not what YOU are experiencing....then again I think many of us feel this way....hold faith and be strong.

[AuntShecky]

"Beleagured" meaning having been beset by difficulties, as becoming beseiged
by enemy forces, presages the "barbed" image, as in barbed wire. "Openess" is interesting-- being open to sensation, even a bad one, is better than staying numb, cf. "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." Hence, becoming aware of pain, with the Joycean-like word, "painwaking." Eliot said something similar in his essay on Baudelaire, that it's better to feel something, even evil, rather than to feel or do nothing.

[DocHeart]

A small world, fenced, trapped, crowded but still empty. Going through a painful period that is renewed with every dawn.

Strongest 25 words I've read in some time.

Thanks for sharing, Bar.

Good health,
DH

[Bar22do]

Kitty, thanks for "unburying" this and for your appreciation. I'm feeling fine, thank you...
Auntie, more than ennui, N here feels bound by (to him/her) senseless limitations, while evidently unable to overtake them. A bit like that kitsch albatross, with too big wings to walk.
Doc, glad you felt these words' strength.

Thank you three!