A Humourous Selection # 10

[Biggus]

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Hotel
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Guests
When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy

IF YOU SHOULD FIND

If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE

My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering

SHOPPING ASSISTANCE

I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”

[Jack of Hearts]

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”


DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"



I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me

lol These are either dryly amusing or you're finally wearing this reader down.




J

[Biggus]

Probably the latter, thanks Jaxk

[AuntShecky]

I would've responded sooner, but I'm recovering from a broken hip. (Not to be confused with a broke hippie, which is what I was in my younger days, though of course in my dotage I'm still broke.)

All of these were pretty funny. My fave was the one about the amateur drama group. Two classic comics of the past come to mind about some of the others-- Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield. (I meant that as a compliment.)

[Biggus]

Thanks Aunty and get well soon