Venus--Shining bright!

[phoenixtears]

The sky was all cloudy
as the day mingled with night
a stretch of greyish blackness
not a single star in sight

The moon, a whitish haze
was all that one could see
the rest of all the pearls
as if had ceased to be

The sky, an empty vessel
gave a thunder now and then
devoid of the sparkling beauties
it showed its anger again

'twas the worst of nights
for a traveller on his way
who had no where to go
having travelled all the day

Then came the ray of hope
the queen that ruled the night
Tearing the clouds apart
Venus was shining bright!

A speck of white light
that caught his weary eye
a sapphire glowing bright
high up in the sky

It urged the traveller on
when all was lost for him
glowing the path ahead
inspiring him to the brim

When venus shone so bright
as the stars hid away
how could the traveller fail
to save that murky day.

[hillwalker]

It's trying hard to be a poem but not succeeding very well:

The sky was all cloudy - why 'all'?
as the day mingled with night - 'merged' might be a better choice of word - 'mingle' is what people do at cocktail parties
a stretch of greyish blackness - I'm not picturing this at all - 'greyish blackness' is so vague - a waste of a line
not a single star in sight - we already know that all the sky is cloudy so you're stating the obvious here

The moon, a whitish haze
was all that one could see
the rest of all the pearls - that 'all' word again! I like the use of the term 'pearls' to suggest stars - but you're repeating most of what you have already told us in v. 1
as if had ceased to be - grammatically suspect

The sky, an empty vessel - another image that just doesn't work - an empty expanse perhaps but you have already told us it's starless
gave a thunder now and then - does this mean there was the occasional clap of thunder? the sky doesn't 'give' thunder, and 'thunder' is not a countable noun so you can't have 'a thunder'
devoid of the sparkling beauties - more repetition - now it's getting boring because you're reminding us there are no stars - and the 'sparkling beauties' has taken us from pearls to diamonds, but why?
it showed its anger again - more thunder presumably - so what...?

'twas the worst of nights - clumsily archaic - and are we in for more repetition?
for a traveller on his way
who had no where to go
having travelled all the day - a non-travelling traveller - hardly worth 3 lines of a poem is he?

Then came the ray of hope
the queen that ruled the night
Tearing the clouds apart
Venus was shining bright! - the last line sounds as if has been taken directly from the musical 'Hair' - hardly an original take on the Evening Star

A speck of white light
that caught his weary eye
a sapphire glowing bright
high up in the sky - marginally better, but still laden with clichés and tiresome rhyme

It urged the traveller on
when all was lost for him
glowing the path ahead - how can something 'glow' something else
inspiring him to the brim - see what I mean by rhyme? This line is meaningless.

When venus shone so bright
as the stars hid away
how could the traveller fail
to save that murky day. - a confusing conclusion since this supposedly took place at night - how has the traveller saved the day anyway?

I think you need to consider what you are trying to write about and set out your thoughts more clearly. In a nutshell, this is about a traveller out in a stormy night who is guided to his destination by Venus even though the moon was shining - am I right?
There needs to be much more than this to any poem if you expect someone to feel inspired after reading it. You've stretched out the 'traveller's tale' until it's wafer thin, and you've allowed rhyme to control most of it. Perhaps that explains why no one else has commented - 'No Comment' seems the fairest response.

H

[hallaig]

Listen to the Walker, it's good advice. Don't be obsessed with plugging your poem with creaky rhyme. Its awkwardness detracts from understanding.

[Charles Darnay]

I actually like the day mingling with night image - but I'm a sucker for such personification.

Other than that, I think Hill's advice is good. If you are going to dabble in the ballad form, it has to go somewhere. Let the traveler run and see where that takes him, you're keeping him (and yourself) on too tight a leash.

[phoenixtears]

Thanks Hill. That is surely going to help me a lot with my poetry. Much appreciated.