Chartre
05-15-2012, 03:37 AM
This is a story I wrote as a thirteen year old. I had to compress it into under 1300 words for a school project, so it may seem to make little sense at some points. I actually went over the word limit but the teacher didn't care. I just wanted some feedback on it. I am also quite a bit more skilled in the ways of vocabulary and grammar now. Here it is:
Four of the chosen magemice of Brackenshelf, Zacharius, Rick, Neil and his wife Valian rode through the air on pigeons; the wind gently tickling their fur. “There’s the palace, I can see the Eminating light” Exclaimed rick, raising his voice above the wind. “I see it” Zacharius said. Zacharius was blind, but had taught himself to use magic to see. ‘I can sense the oppressive son-of-a-worm sitting in his throne.’ They dismounted their pigeons after hovering over Lake Altia’s surface, and cast a force field around the group, allowing them to breathe and see in the green, debris-filled lake.
All of a sudden, Zacharius Yelled ‘There, the Octopus Guards have spotted us! We need to silence them before they can tell the king!’ Soon, about nine octopodes appeared out of the murk, travelling at high speed. With an electric hum the octopodes passed through the force field. Neil squeaked with fright. He was almost as good at magic as Zacharius, but he didn’t handle stressful situations well. The whole group hastily spread apart, dodging the hissing and spitting octopodes. They began trying to slow time; each mouse chanting in time with each other, getting slower and slower. It was difficult to chant with possessed octopodes throwing themselves at the mice. Soon enough, time was frozen. Zacharius and Neil kept the chant going, although they could not go on for very long. Rick worked on moving the force field toward the underwater kingdom of Xorkia. Valian killed her fourth octopus, and the rest were lost in the murk.
When the group arrived at the wall of Xorkia Palace, Rick skilfully gnawed through the wooden wall. After several minutes, there was a clean hole in the wall. They all entered, and Zacharius froze the air bubble around the hole so no water would gush in. They were in a walk-in closet. The crawled quietly out. They were in a long hallway; at the end of it was the throne room, and along on the left side was a doorway into the king’s quarters. On the right, near the throne room, there was a spiral staircase. The king was feasting gluttonously in the throne room, and was protected by several Armoured Badger Guards. Rick found a place in the wall next to the king’s quarters, while Zacharius maintained a sound-proof bubble over the group. Rick gnawed through with his teeth and they crept in.
They began to look for clues as to where the sword of Varnindof was hidden. The sword of Varnindof was a national treasure close to the heart of the King Cat, whose name was Ashfur. It was once owned by the legendary Varnindof, who single handedly killed 10,000 Rats from the enemy nation, Kingland. Varnindof was a stoat who was a great friend of Ashfur’s father. It had been stolen from Brackenshelf Museum some time ago, and now it was hidden in a vault behind the king’s quarters.
“I’ve found the door, I think” Zacharius Squeaked. The rest of the group shuffled over to the door to examine the lock. “The lock works by magic.” He said. “Yes, looks like it examines the eye. If it is a matching eye, it opens, I suppose.” Valian Deducted. “Well, we’ll just try all of our eyes ‘till we find a match.” Neil chattered. He got down on all fours and reached for the lock, before being violently pulled back by the scruff by Valian. “NO you flea-head! Who knows what alarms that are attached to it!” “Zacharius, do you reckon we could break through with magic?” Rick Asked. “No, I can sense a magical barrier around this entire room.” Zacharius Answered. “Well there is no use sitting here and twiddling our paws all day.” Neil mumbled. “I think I have a plan, and you’ll think I’m slow-headed. However, I believe it may be the only way.” Valian said with a sly smile.
***
“We’ll need to be careful not to alert the guards” explained Neil. The four mice skittered across the hall as quietly as possible. They waited in silence behind a door for some slavemice to walk through. Rick prepared a spell to knock them out. They took a step through, and he let it go, and with a silent flash of light the slavemice were on the floor. Zacharius and Valian quietly trotted up the creaky wooden staircase as Neil and Rick put on the uniforms. “Hey Zach, I am way too small for this thing” Neil hissed up at Zacharius. “You want to swap positions?” Zacharius followed his instructions, and Neil walked up the stairs. For a second, Neil thought he could see her nose sticking through a hole in the floorboards, and the sound of her voice, but she took it out as soon as she heard him coming. “Hi” She chattered. “You aren’t Zach.” “The uniform wouldn’t fit” Neil Answered. He didn’t want to mention what he’d seen.
Directly below the two mice was the throne room. They watched through the hole in the floorboards as Zacharius and Rick walked in with part of the meal. As they placed it on the king’s table, the King Shrieked with hatred. “These are no slave of mine! Restrain them!” Zacharius grimaced, and Rick took out a foil and leapt at king Ylew. He was caught mid-leap by a badger guard, and they wrestled on the ground momentarily, but no mouse apart from Varnindof could defeat a badger by themselves. Zacharius yelled and shot a stunning spell at the badger. The badger rolled over from the energy of the spell, and Rick’s upper body was showing. He heaved to get the badger off him, but it was too much, and was soon restrained by another guard.
“Now’s our chance!” yelled Neil, as he removed some floorboards to aim a spell at the king. Behind him, Valian laughed, and knocked him through. Neil hung by three claws onto one of the loose floorboards, panting. “What are you doing!?” “You know I only married you to go on this mission,” She laughed, kneeling down, gently placing a shoe on his paw and resting an arm over her knee. “I would never have married such an idiot otherwise.” “You bloody traitor!” Spat a confused Neil. “Why did you want to go with us so much? I bet you’re one of King Ylew’s assassins.” Neil glanced down to the floor. It was a long way down. Zacharius was looking at him, and mouthed something to him. Neil began to mutter something under his breath, and his eyes began to close. “A surprising bit of wisdom from the young”- She stopped talking as she was stunned by a flash of light and felt a furry arm around her throat. “Here he is!” said Neil. “Thanks for the teleport” Rick said, and knocked Valian out by pressing a vein. “What’s Zach doing?” Neil Squeaked. Neil and Rick bolted down the staircase. There was a massive crowd of guards and slaves; the mice dodged through them. They leapt up onto the king’s table. Suddenly, there was a bolt of light, and an ear splitting screech. Neil was unaffected, and Rick watched as he clawed out the eyes of king Ylew at lightning speed. Zacharius had cast a freeze time spell, but only for Neil. He ran to the king’s private quarters with eyes of anger and determination. Some of the guards jumped to the side of king Ylew, and the rest let go of Zacharius to chase Neil. Zacharius and Rick followed behind the badgers. Zach shot up and broke the chandelier, setting the badgers on fire. He then leapt away. The badgers ran down the hall screaming, the flames tearing at their fur. Neil reappeared, and threw the sword of Varnindof to Zacharius. The whole hallway was now on fire. They ran looking for the hole in which they entered. Neil led, and ran right past the staircase where valiant was unconscious. “Don’t you want to take Valian?” Rick panted. “No. She is a traitor. I hate her.” Neil shouted.
Rick ran up the stairs, and shot back down with Valian. They leapt out the hole in the wall. The mice resealed the hole and swam back up. When the magemice broke the surface, it was night-time. Valian had water in her lungs. She was a spy. Neil felt like he was on the shore of Lake Altia for thousands of years, breathing out and in, and pumping her chest. She woke with a splutter, and vomited into the water. It was going to be a long journey back.
THE END
Four of the chosen magemice of Brackenshelf, Zacharius, Rick, Neil and his wife Valian rode through the air on pigeons; the wind gently tickling their fur. “There’s the palace, I can see the Eminating light” Exclaimed rick, raising his voice above the wind. “I see it” Zacharius said. Zacharius was blind, but had taught himself to use magic to see. ‘I can sense the oppressive son-of-a-worm sitting in his throne.’ They dismounted their pigeons after hovering over Lake Altia’s surface, and cast a force field around the group, allowing them to breathe and see in the green, debris-filled lake.
All of a sudden, Zacharius Yelled ‘There, the Octopus Guards have spotted us! We need to silence them before they can tell the king!’ Soon, about nine octopodes appeared out of the murk, travelling at high speed. With an electric hum the octopodes passed through the force field. Neil squeaked with fright. He was almost as good at magic as Zacharius, but he didn’t handle stressful situations well. The whole group hastily spread apart, dodging the hissing and spitting octopodes. They began trying to slow time; each mouse chanting in time with each other, getting slower and slower. It was difficult to chant with possessed octopodes throwing themselves at the mice. Soon enough, time was frozen. Zacharius and Neil kept the chant going, although they could not go on for very long. Rick worked on moving the force field toward the underwater kingdom of Xorkia. Valian killed her fourth octopus, and the rest were lost in the murk.
When the group arrived at the wall of Xorkia Palace, Rick skilfully gnawed through the wooden wall. After several minutes, there was a clean hole in the wall. They all entered, and Zacharius froze the air bubble around the hole so no water would gush in. They were in a walk-in closet. The crawled quietly out. They were in a long hallway; at the end of it was the throne room, and along on the left side was a doorway into the king’s quarters. On the right, near the throne room, there was a spiral staircase. The king was feasting gluttonously in the throne room, and was protected by several Armoured Badger Guards. Rick found a place in the wall next to the king’s quarters, while Zacharius maintained a sound-proof bubble over the group. Rick gnawed through with his teeth and they crept in.
They began to look for clues as to where the sword of Varnindof was hidden. The sword of Varnindof was a national treasure close to the heart of the King Cat, whose name was Ashfur. It was once owned by the legendary Varnindof, who single handedly killed 10,000 Rats from the enemy nation, Kingland. Varnindof was a stoat who was a great friend of Ashfur’s father. It had been stolen from Brackenshelf Museum some time ago, and now it was hidden in a vault behind the king’s quarters.
“I’ve found the door, I think” Zacharius Squeaked. The rest of the group shuffled over to the door to examine the lock. “The lock works by magic.” He said. “Yes, looks like it examines the eye. If it is a matching eye, it opens, I suppose.” Valian Deducted. “Well, we’ll just try all of our eyes ‘till we find a match.” Neil chattered. He got down on all fours and reached for the lock, before being violently pulled back by the scruff by Valian. “NO you flea-head! Who knows what alarms that are attached to it!” “Zacharius, do you reckon we could break through with magic?” Rick Asked. “No, I can sense a magical barrier around this entire room.” Zacharius Answered. “Well there is no use sitting here and twiddling our paws all day.” Neil mumbled. “I think I have a plan, and you’ll think I’m slow-headed. However, I believe it may be the only way.” Valian said with a sly smile.
***
“We’ll need to be careful not to alert the guards” explained Neil. The four mice skittered across the hall as quietly as possible. They waited in silence behind a door for some slavemice to walk through. Rick prepared a spell to knock them out. They took a step through, and he let it go, and with a silent flash of light the slavemice were on the floor. Zacharius and Valian quietly trotted up the creaky wooden staircase as Neil and Rick put on the uniforms. “Hey Zach, I am way too small for this thing” Neil hissed up at Zacharius. “You want to swap positions?” Zacharius followed his instructions, and Neil walked up the stairs. For a second, Neil thought he could see her nose sticking through a hole in the floorboards, and the sound of her voice, but she took it out as soon as she heard him coming. “Hi” She chattered. “You aren’t Zach.” “The uniform wouldn’t fit” Neil Answered. He didn’t want to mention what he’d seen.
Directly below the two mice was the throne room. They watched through the hole in the floorboards as Zacharius and Rick walked in with part of the meal. As they placed it on the king’s table, the King Shrieked with hatred. “These are no slave of mine! Restrain them!” Zacharius grimaced, and Rick took out a foil and leapt at king Ylew. He was caught mid-leap by a badger guard, and they wrestled on the ground momentarily, but no mouse apart from Varnindof could defeat a badger by themselves. Zacharius yelled and shot a stunning spell at the badger. The badger rolled over from the energy of the spell, and Rick’s upper body was showing. He heaved to get the badger off him, but it was too much, and was soon restrained by another guard.
“Now’s our chance!” yelled Neil, as he removed some floorboards to aim a spell at the king. Behind him, Valian laughed, and knocked him through. Neil hung by three claws onto one of the loose floorboards, panting. “What are you doing!?” “You know I only married you to go on this mission,” She laughed, kneeling down, gently placing a shoe on his paw and resting an arm over her knee. “I would never have married such an idiot otherwise.” “You bloody traitor!” Spat a confused Neil. “Why did you want to go with us so much? I bet you’re one of King Ylew’s assassins.” Neil glanced down to the floor. It was a long way down. Zacharius was looking at him, and mouthed something to him. Neil began to mutter something under his breath, and his eyes began to close. “A surprising bit of wisdom from the young”- She stopped talking as she was stunned by a flash of light and felt a furry arm around her throat. “Here he is!” said Neil. “Thanks for the teleport” Rick said, and knocked Valian out by pressing a vein. “What’s Zach doing?” Neil Squeaked. Neil and Rick bolted down the staircase. There was a massive crowd of guards and slaves; the mice dodged through them. They leapt up onto the king’s table. Suddenly, there was a bolt of light, and an ear splitting screech. Neil was unaffected, and Rick watched as he clawed out the eyes of king Ylew at lightning speed. Zacharius had cast a freeze time spell, but only for Neil. He ran to the king’s private quarters with eyes of anger and determination. Some of the guards jumped to the side of king Ylew, and the rest let go of Zacharius to chase Neil. Zacharius and Rick followed behind the badgers. Zach shot up and broke the chandelier, setting the badgers on fire. He then leapt away. The badgers ran down the hall screaming, the flames tearing at their fur. Neil reappeared, and threw the sword of Varnindof to Zacharius. The whole hallway was now on fire. They ran looking for the hole in which they entered. Neil led, and ran right past the staircase where valiant was unconscious. “Don’t you want to take Valian?” Rick panted. “No. She is a traitor. I hate her.” Neil shouted.
Rick ran up the stairs, and shot back down with Valian. They leapt out the hole in the wall. The mice resealed the hole and swam back up. When the magemice broke the surface, it was night-time. Valian had water in her lungs. She was a spy. Neil felt like he was on the shore of Lake Altia for thousands of years, breathing out and in, and pumping her chest. She woke with a splutter, and vomited into the water. It was going to be a long journey back.
THE END