Stripped

[Jerrybaldy]

I chew on my cheek,
tasting the tongues that have filled my mouth,
the breast milk,
the teenage nipples,
the chewing gum I once plucked from the tarmac.
Blood fills my mouth.

I rub my feet,
that pedalled a cycle to summer picnics
with lemon squash and itchy pants,
to a gap in the nettles
where the dock leaves love to grow.
I pull the skin
back to the feet that clapped like hands
to an audience of glass eyed bears.

I peel the ring finger
for the signs it still shows.
It leaves the tip
like a sticky glove.

I bite through my tongue
for the idiot words that it formed,
for the voice that it gave,
to mutant stillborn thoughts.

Skeletal
I walk to feed the ducks.
I give, they take,
it makes the most perfect sense.

I tear strips of bread
and massage my heart
to fill all four chambers
with life.

Leaving the pond
to indignant ducks,
swollen bread,
rainbow oil and loss,
I pluck my eyes,
one for mum,
one for dad.
I roll them like albumen chestnuts
to the east and to the west.

The wind whistles through my chest
I wrap my scarf under and over my ribs
heading for home
to warm my bones,
still sick with the need to write.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Man, bro, I don't know where you've been but you've picked up a lot of power wherever it was. This is so good it stings!

[Jack of Hearts]

Ah Baldy... at parts cringeworthy, but what Prince said!







J

[Hawkman]

Hi JB. This is a powerful piece of writing but I'm a bit bothered by S2. The repetition of feet and the sense of the bit where you "pull the skin" is a little confusing. I'd suggest:

"I rub my feet,
that clapped like hands
to an audience of glass eyed bears,
that pedalled a cycle to summer picnics
with lemon squash and itchy pants,
that ran to a gap in the nettles
where the dock leaves love to grow."

as this has a slightly more coherent structure.I can't find anything else to gripe about :D Very good poem. Must be one of the better viruses you're sick with ;)

Live and be well - H

[MorpheusSandman]

This is definitely a piece with some powerful moments that may can use with a bit of slight sculpting and pruning. The real strength is in the naked, chilling power of many of the images, but I also feel as if it's sometimes fighting to move beyond the stasis of the "I (verb)" motivic stasis. The first four stanzas begin with that motif (and I'd consider cutting "I pull the skin" as it's the only bit that returns to the motif that's connected to the previous iteration without beginning its own stanza), and the "skeletal" that begins the 5th seems to hint towards a volta/turning point, but then seems to settle into another iteration that, this time, I don't think is as affective because it tells more than shows, and because it's concerning ducks at the pond that, at this point, we have no connection with--certainly not after all of the powerful, personal images that have preceded it. I also think the next stanza seems a bit boring in comparison, as if we haven't moved anywhere and are just starting to run out of steam. Similar to S5, S7 seems to be another potential volta as it's the first to begin with something other than the "I (verb)" motif, and the participle phrase playfully leads to a sense of expectation that builds for the next 4 lines, but even after that we just return to the same motif, although this time much more powerfully rendered than in the last few stanzas.

The final stanza is the only one that feels as if we've really gotten somewhere, but I can't help but feel it loses some of its power by having to compete with S5 and S7 as potential turning points. It should feel more climactic than it does. When you have this much repetition of one agent ("I"), it's important to manage those points when you bring others in, because it creates dynamic contrast, and if you do it too soon and too randomly, it will just feel like an arbitrary break in the pattern. Do it at just the right moment, such as in the penultimate or final stanza, and it can serve as the major "punch" of the whole piece, especially if you've really worked to build up a tension of stasis with certain motivic elements like you have here. But, as it stands, there are to many interruptions to the pattern and too many "red herring" voltas that detract from that final "umph!" So you might consider revising it a bit, because a lot of what you have is really strong in isolation, that now you only have to work to get the most out of it.

[Delta40]

Jerry. The best poet here on Lit-Net. I can't even bring myself to read the critique above.

Whatever it says - ignore it. When you combine such powerful images, distortions, vivid memories and horror truths like this, everyone is awed by your sick need to write x

[MorpheusSandman]

Whatever it says - ignore it. Well, that's not very nice! :p :D

[Delta40]

Well, that's not very nice! :p :D

Sorry Morph. I'm a diehard fan of Jerry's. No post that detailed belongs on any of his work! :biggrin5:

[MorpheusSandman]

Hey, if I take the time and effort to post that long of a critique, it's usually a sign of a work of real quality where I'm hoping to help the poet get the absolute most of out of what they've got. Jerry has some very strong material here that, I think, could be made even better by a few technical fixes that will reward multiple readings.

[Delta40]

Hey, if I take the time and effort to post that long of a critique, it's usually a sign of a work of real quality where I'm hoping to help the poet get the absolute most of out of what they've got. Jerry has some very strong material here that, I think, could be made even better by a few technical fixes that will reward multiple readings.

I don't doubt it for a minute. This is Jerry's thread where we both posted our thoughts and we like each other. (There is no way you and I will ever start a separate thread to discuss our differences :frown2: :biggrin5:)

Friends?

[MorpheusSandman]

Friends?Always. :cheers2:

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Prince, Jack, Hawk and Delta (my #1 fan - somebody has to be :)) thank you Morph for such an in depth analysis, you sir commented on my very first poem on here and I appreciate you now as I did then.

[Delta40]

I'm sure you have alot more fans than you realise Jerry.