Waiting to Depart

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Criticism and comments for the sake of modification are greatly appreciated.


Waiting to Depart

At the parting day of Sunday
Under the dying sun. No star, no moon, no breeze
In the old district
I passed
While darkness squeezed the lanterns for a drop of light
And the winter wind
Distressfully trifled with a black smoke
- - - -
The spots of dim lights laid
As forgotten hopes
Or constellations on earth
The seller of the Bible
Beside his misery in the dark alley
And warm tears as a waving sea, waiting to depart
Waiting for the yawning savior
In a deserted future and howling wind
- - - -
At the parting day of Sunday
We once met
Hugging, in warm tears as a waving sea, waiting to depart
“Leave me not alone in this dark alley”
I shall depart; we’ll meet in visions, or up next to God
I stopped
My sight chased him until beyond
As my eyes were sunk in waving tears, waiting to depart
At the parting day of Sunday

[Bar22do]

I'm not a poetry specialist, but I find in this poem the wavy, repetitive rhythm, just as I believe you intended to convey it. I have the feeling you could work on this piece and trim it, I also hope someone else can provide you with a bit of technical remarks, or you'll have to rely on your own judgement to figure out. I'm so busy these days, I'm afraid, not often enough on this interesting forum, it may be the reason why I have not seen your poems before. But from what I'm reading today, I can tell you have a good potential, you just need to devote time to improve your craft and use it to express your genuine emotion, that cries your brother's death and begs to be fine... blessings.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I really appreciate your comment, this means a lot to me, thank u.
The main reason I post in this forum is to learn from the members' tips and criticism. Thats why comments are of great importance to me. What I need is to highlight the weak points.
You've given me some hope. Thank you

[Bar22do]

Please see below, hopefully of some hope to you, but again, I'm not even a poet sensu stricto and a foreigner, in addition, so that I can only share what I feel:





Waiting to Depart

At the parting day of Sunday
Under the dying sun. No star, no moon, no breeze
In the old district
I passed
While darkness squeezed the lanterns for a drop of light (this line is great!!)
And the winter wind
Distressfully trifled with a black smoke (I would erase "distressfully")
- - - -
The spots of dim lights laid
As forgotten hopes
Or constellations on earth (you don't need this line, IMO)
The seller of the Bible
Beside his misery in the dark alley
And warm tears as a waving sea, waiting to depart
Waiting for the yawning savior
In a deserted future and howling wind (these line read obscure to me - I would only keep "the spots of dim lights/ laid as forgotten hopes/in a deserted future" as a whole strophe)
- - - -
At the parting day of Sunday
We once met
Hugging, in warm tears as a waving sea, waiting to depart
“Leave me not alone in this dark alley”
I shall depart; we’ll meet in visions, or up next to God
I stopped
My sight chased him until beyond
As my eyes were sunk in waving tears, waiting to depart
At the parting day of Sunday

(I would trim down the last strophe to a very minimum, something like:

At the parting day of Sunday
we met hugging,
tears fell as you had to leave,
at the parting day of Sunday.)



I think your last poem was better than this one, though this too has potential - think what's the most important for you here, then edit.. hope guys over here will help, too... but keep posting, comments will eventually come! and post your critique, as well!

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

Very nice viewpoints. definitely I will modify the text accordingly.
I really appreciate your concern and encouragement. Thank you