Getting Caught

[Delta40]

For years we slumber,
conscious of a dawn's
imminent approach,
snapping each twig underfoot,
whittling away thick roots
which choke our lonely hearts.

When the low-bell rings,
our inner bird is flushed.
Flitter, flutter,
and suddenly
we're snared like
two night fowls
in an old mist net.

As we gaze into the light
paralysed,
we dare not stir,
so dazzled will we be
by its captivating glow.

[MystyrMystyry]

Musing in the afterglow - and beyond. It reminds me a bit of the lovers in One Hundred years of Solitude who care about nothing but each other, oblivious to their house and the world falling apart around them.

Interesting one from your pen Delta. I'll return to it later :)

[Hawkman]

Hello Delta. A couple of typos, well one anyway, conscious: the other: did you mean low-bell, a bell used to frighten birds into a net at night? The context would suggest so. Highly original this and, pardon the pun, striking :) However you seem to have reversed it by saying "breaks free" which in your poem it does before it's caught, so you might want to rearrange the order of the imagery or find a substitute for "free". I'm inclined to feel that separating the two words, flitter/flutter, by giving them their own lines, doesn't work. Naturally, these two in combination want to trip off the tongue and the deliberate act of slowing it down with a line break creates a tension, which just doesn't feel right in context. They're quick words, illustrating the rapidity/unthinking folly? of falling in love, so basically I just don't get the motivation for splitting them.

Back to the first verse: you can safely dispense with the indefinite article before dawn's.

Not keen on "pitched net". I know lots of wildlife types who catch birds and bats for ringing and documenting, and they call their net a "mist net". I think it's more fitting to use this term in the context of your poem too.

The last thing I'd suggest you look at is "...love's lustrous glow." Maybe an alternative for love's? and in truth, are we actually talking about love, lust or infatuation? Words like love, hate, pain are easy substitutes/shortcuts, perhaps overused in a telling sense. We all use them, but should we?

Just throwing ideas around for you to think about ;)

I really do like that low-bell image in context, and the poem does have something to say in an original way about an old favourite. I enjoyed the read. Long may you continue to share.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks for the suggestions Hawk. I know what you mean about overuse of the word Love. I was talking to Shadows the other day and I said that I was a crappy poet when it came to writing a love poem and maybe I should make it my next challenge.

[Buh4Bee]

Ah Delta, I always think the real thing will inspire!

[Delta40]

Ah Delta, I always think the real thing will inspire!

So do you think this works as a love poem Buh4Bee?

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta, low-bell is hyphenated, without it you are just saying the bell is low in pitch or to the ground. Out isn't much better than free in context - What you need here is "cover" as in, "breaks cover." Alternatively you could say, "our inner bird is flushed" it depends on how you feel about the alliteration with flitter/flutter.

LLAP - H

Ps, sorry, got my words mixed up, low-bell is hyphenated. Well, It's late over here - lol.

[Delta40]

Ok Metre Man, I'm going to go with flushed because of the inferences of the word. I changed it to mist net so do I need a hyphen? I do want you to sleep well tonight and just so you know, you're about the only Lit-Net person I'm willing to change a poem for...

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta, mist net is not hyphenated so it's fine as is :) I like flushed for its connotations too, so good choice. thanks for listening ;)

H

[Charles Darnay]

"our inner bird is flushed" - that's one of those lines that I know won't leave my head!

[Delta40]

"our inner bird is flushed" - that's one of those lines that I know won't leave my head!

Thanks Charles but the credit must go to Hawk for assisting me in reaching the depths of my own heart!

[miyako73]

There's a sense of serenity in this one, Delta, like still embrace and breathing silence after making love. I think its "lowbell."

[Delta40]

Thanks Miyako. That is another way of reading the poem for sure.