The Flood

[Hawkman]

For 40 days and 40 nights it’s rained;
relations with the lord are pretty strained.
I wonder, should I try to build an ark?
There’s room enough, I think, in Freedom Park.
But though it’s damp, it isn’t quite so wet
that streets are flooded, not, at least, quite yet
and anyway, I can’t afford the wood,
though I’ve another option that’s as good.
Now when the water, in due course, does rise,
the people who survive will be surprised,
as parting clouds unveil some bright blue sky
while I, with jolly wave, just paddle by;
lying on a lilo at my leisure,
in good voice and singing songs for pleasure.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hello Hawk. Hope you are well.

I very much enjoyed your poem but felt it could benefit from pruning that may make it flow easier. Having welcomed your input and suggestions over the last couple of years, I thought I would take it upon myself to "have a go" at one of yours so here it is:

For 40 days and 40 nights it’s rained;
relations with the lord are pretty strained.
I wonder, should I build an ark?
There’s room enough in Freedom Park.
But though it’s damp, it‘s not so wet
that streets are flooded, at least not yet,
and anyway, I can’t afford the wood,
though I’ve an option that’s as good;
and when the water, in due course, does rise,
the survivors will not believe their eyes
when clouds unveil some bright blue sky,
with a jolly wave, I paddle by;
comfortably reclining at my leisure,
on a li-lo, singing songs of pleasure.

Best wishes good man
JB

[Hawkman]

Hello JB. Thanks for reading and it's nice to see you around. Thanks also for your thoughts on the poem. Unfortunately, as it's supposed to be iambic pentameter verse (with a few substitutions) the little prunes you suggest would put the syllable count out :) I did notice a mistake in the penultimate line though, so I gave it a quick tweak.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

Ooops. My ignorance exposed! Yet to dip my toe into structure.
all the best.

[Hawkman]

You are forgiven :) if in doubt, count the syllables - lol.

H

[cogs]

what a lighthearted poem! my suggestions are: 'for' instead of 'and' in L9 to set off the explanation. and is lilo hyphenated? (i didn't even know what one was, but it's funny, like it's his personal pool.) in america, we're always saying 'just as good' in place of 'that's as good'. this poem is just great, i enjoyed!

[Jack of Hearts]

What on earth is a li-lo? This poem has a structure, then? Anyways, it was good to read. This reader feels like you're very careful with the things you write about and your poems are really good because of it. It never gets overly abstract and weird or unwieldy in any of your stuff, and this one is another example of your light-hearted wit at play.


But what's a li-lo? And where is Freedom Park, anyways? (the other allusions were well understood, Moses. Or Noah. Whoever you are.)




J

[Hawkman]

Hi cogs and thanks for reading. I have seen Lilo, lilo and Li-lo on packaging for the airbed so to be honest I wasn't sure which to go for. Lilo is in my dictionary but rejected by the spell-checker on the computer - lol. I'm not sure whether it matters particularly with a word llike this but if you seriously object I'll be happy to change it for you :D I think I could probably have used, "...just as good," but as I'm anal about grammatical sense I naturally gravitated towards the contraction of "that is as good". but either is quite acceptable.

I don't think I can accept exchanging for with and though. It doesn't actually fit in the sense of the line. You will note that there are a couple of subordinate clauses in the overal scheme of the sentence. If you cut them out you get: and /.../ as with a jolly wave I paddle by. For "/.../ as with a jolly wave I paddle by," the sense of the line is odd, especially in the concluding lines. I admit, I'm not quite happy with the closing couplet and I'm still thinking about it.

Anyway, thanks again for reading.

live long and prosper - H

Hi Jack, as you may see from my reply to cogs, a Li-lo, lilo or Lilo, is an airbed :D Freedom Park is over the road from me, and marks the place where Cavaliers and Roundheads had a bit of a set-to :D As I'm sure you know, the poem is a sonnet in rhymed iambic pentameter couplets, although I've really messed with the stress pattern in L13. I'm still not happy with it, as I mentioned to cogs.

It's true, I do tend to use language and rhythm more than imagery, as personally, I find image dense poems can be heavy going. I do use it, but sparingly, trying to keep a balance between the two which doesn't inhibit the flow of the narrative. I can load a poem up with images, but generally I don't enjoy it unless they clearly depict my vision. getting too abstract is counter productive, at least for me.

As always, thanks for reading and stopping by to drop me a line.

Live and be well - H

PS I've now edited the poem to correct the aberrations of metre which where bothering me.

[Buh4Bee]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Only if Hawk! you are by far the best individual on this forum!

[Delta40]

We should nickname you the Metre Man, Hawk! lol.

[Buh4Bee]

what's that? Meter- what?

[Delta40]

The Metre Man comes around to read your gas or electricity metre before you get the bill!

[Buh4Bee]

I thought you meant the car meter- in NYC- they call her the meter maid. All the retired gangsters hanging around this one bar reading the paper and watching her as she writes the tickets for their cars. They go crazy- its very funny being in the bar at 3 o'clock when she comes around. She puts the ticket under their windshield wiper with a huge grin right toward the bar window. They hate her, but she is untouchable- I don't know why???

[Delta40]

I thought you meant the car meter- in NYC- they call her the meter maid. All the retired gangsters hanging around this one bar reading the paper and watching her as she writes the tickets for their cars. They go crazy- its very funny being in the bar at 3 o'clock when she comes around. She puts the ticket under their windshield wiper with a huge grin right toward the bar window. They hate her, but she is untouchable- I don't know why???

Well perhaps Hawk might like to be referred to as the Meter Maid! Who knows? :smilewinkgrin:

[Hawkman]

OK, that's enough, you two - lol. No traffic warden am I... B4, you are too kind in your appraisal of my modest talent, but who am I to argue with a retired gangster's moll - LOL!

As for being a metre-man Delta, I hope you'll be able to pay your bill :D

Anyway, thank you both for reading and hopefully, enjoying.

Live and be well - H

[Silas Thorne]

Such an amusing poem, and how confident and relaxed your use of metre is! You make sonnets seem very easy.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Silas, but you should have seen the first draft - lol.

Live and be well - H