Hairstrings

[Delta40]

Yesterday your hair
was lank and greasy
and only I can know
just how much
I will miss you tomorrow,
these locks of unspeakable sorrow.
But you're here today,
your head resting on my shoulders,
whispering,
through washed wavy hair.

[ShadowsCool]

Well I like the image I got. Also you managed to say a lot with a few verses. Like the anticipation of the missing. The lock of hair. The easy feeling of now. The washed hair like the rain. Basically you called to the floor, this life we lead. Here today, gone maybe tomorrow. The missing. The sadness. The general conflicts of life.

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed.

Ah, the smell and feel of freshly washed (dry) hair. I get a twinge of the prodigal child returning for some reason.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[firefangled]

I love the first sentence for its polar recognitions, so touching and powerful. You have a gift for infusing the ordinary with significance, without using embellishment of any kind.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. I have a bit of a problem with the one-line sentence:

"These locks of unspeakable sorrow."

What bothers me about it is it's isolation. I feel it needs to flow from the previous line. I'm reluctant to suggest cutting it because there seems to be a double meaning in "locks", as if the narrator is unable to express the feeling.

Maybe:

"...I will miss, tomorrow
these locks of unspeakable sorrow."

What I would suggest cutting is the "I love you mum" It's just too blatant. I feel it would be better implied than stated.

"But you're here today,
your head resting on my shoulders,
whispering,
through washed wavy hair."

is just so much more subtle. There is an ambiguity about it which intrigues and is left open to interpretation.

Anyway, have a think about it.

Live and be well - H

[hallaig]

agreed. Get rid of locks of unspeakable sorrow. It's too dramatic for such a beautifully understated piece anyway. You can easily do without it.
You're a good writer, by the way.

[Delta40]

I can't get rid of locks of unspeakable sorrow because of the double meaning so I will take Hawks advice here rather than yours Hallaig but I understand it may seem a little dramatic but there is no accounting for a mother's heart now is there?

[Silas Thorne]

This is a wonderful piece of work, aching with human pain and down-to-earth. I tend to share with Hawkman though the concern with the connection between 'these locks of unspeakable sorrow.' I'm in no way suggesting losing it, I'm just concerned after the comma it hangs there a bit.

[Delta40]

This is a wonderful piece of work, aching with human pain and down-to-earth. I tend to share with Hawkman though the concern with the connection between 'these locks of unspeakable sorrow.' I'm in no way suggesting losing it, I'm just concerned after the comma it hangs there a bit.

I've just edited it according to Hawks suggestion so that it doesn't stand as an isolated sentence. I removed the period from tomorrow and added a comma. So now you think the line is just hanging there Silas? Are you suggesting that it would read better as a stand alone sentence?

[Silas Thorne]

Sorry, ignore that comment. As it is, there is no problem at all. Forgive my addle-headed commentary. :) I'll try to pay more attention next time.

[Delta40]

Sorry, ignore that comment. As it is, there is no problem at all. Forgive my addle-headed commentary. :) I'll try to pay more attention next time.

After eating a super size tub of :lurk5: today, I'm willing to forgive anything!