In a park in autumn (after Ezra Pound)

[Catamite]

When red leaves -spastic in wind- attire the fields
Buffed with snow, I think of your limbs sprawled
Wet with light, as if our spent passion called
For a final, withering beauty, before rebirth.

[cogs]

i would liken the white sheets blowing as the snow... red is good for passion. i'm not sure about 'after loving', since 'passions spent' repeats it. nice poem, with rhyme (sprawled and called), and alliteration. 'buffed' is nice, and the ending is good.

[Hawkman]

Hello catsmeat. There are two poems I know of by Pound that might have influenced this one, "The River Merchant's Wife, A letter" & "The Jewel Stairs' Grievance". I don't know if there are others which might qualify, in subject or style, as my knowledge of pound is limited to a handful of his poems. I really should try and get a decent collection of his work for my library.

I really like this poem of yours, you have caught his voice exceptionally well and the imagery is powerful. The only thing I might query is your use of "decimated" in context. It is an oft misused word, but the concept, having executed one in ten, when applied to beauty, is a peculiar image for me. But then, I am well known for being a pedant. :D I suppose you can claim contemporary (if questionable) usage.

Notwithstanding, it's still a very good poem.

Live and be well - H

[Alexander III]

If I might offer a suggestion, rather than red autum leaves, I think the better image would be white drifts of snow falling down spasticaly, it ties is better with the secon image later in the poem.

[Catamite]

Hello all, deleting 'after loving' was a very good suggestion, and decimated probrably isn't quite right, thanks. I wouldn't have the snow either blow or fall because I want the image to be one of stillness, the body stupefied.
As for Pound, to be honest, it was his tone and the immediacy of his imagery in 'in a station at the metro' that inspired, but those two poems, especially the first which made me bite my lip, are brilliant. I'm definitely going to get a book of his Japanese translations.
Thanks for reading and critiquing

[Buh4Bee]

An elegant piece.

As for the reference to Pound, I have read him but not in great depth. Unfortunately, I cannot enjoy the connection. Despite this, the poem has enough depth for an average reader to enjoy it.

[ShadowsCool]

I liked it too. It had a nice sequel of images I enjoyed.

[Hawkman]

Actually, I think I prefered it before the edit. It feels sort of reduced now. Something of the flow seems to have been lost. Pound was quite happy to employ repetitive themes and images, and in context I didn't find the post-coital imagery over-done. Decimating though, still jarrs, "diminishng" or "diminished" would be my preference.

Live and be well - H

[Catamite]

I changed it once more:When red leaves -spastic in wind- attire the fields
Buffed with snow, I think of your limbs sprawled
Wet with light, as if our spent passion called
For a final, withering beauty, before it to rebirth yields.

only to reject, for it had the feel of a verse rather than a poem complete. That being said, I was happy with the syntax of that version. Decimated never really did make sense.

[Hawkman]

Well, "before it to rebirth yields" is rather wrenched! However, your posted edit at the head of the thread is very well balanced. I really like it.

Good poem.


Live and be well- H

[qimissung]

I like it very much, too. The Pound poem you mention is one of my favorites.