Cold Comfort

[Hawkman]

The lust was in him.

We had watched
as rabbits burst from holes,
spraying the confetti litter
of the woodland floor
in fountains;

as Goss and Harris
claimed their kills with screams
amid the fallen leaves,

the near misses
when a bird bounced off
a chain-link fence
the quarry slid beneath.

Now, he wanted pheasant.

The sky was blackening
and hail curtains falling to the North
warned of the approaching storm.

Time enough for one more flight,
he thought.

Upon his fist
the falcon roused, un-hooded;
stretched her sickle wings
and flew,
beating the thickening air,
as ice, like shot,
pounded all below.

The bird took shelter in a tree,
wise bird, wiser still than he
who put her up,
or we who stood to see,
amid the beads that rattled on our hats.

So what of me?

I caught the lightening
as it struck the distant hills.

Reviewed, the memory still thrills.

[aliengirl]

The lust did him in.

As always this is a thrilling piece, so dark and grim. The blackening sky and hail curtains mark a steadily escalating sense of foreboding. And when it comes to hunting few can write better than you.

[MorpheusSandman]

A very skillful piece, Hawk, that gets better as it goes on. I must admit that even after 3 readings I still find the opening two stanzas a bit bland, perhaps if just in comparison with what comes after "Now he wanted a pheasant." I almost feel as if this would be better in flasbhack, ie, starting in media res, then talking about what lead up the "wanting a pheasant" and then what after. EG, you could write it so the stanza with the bird bouncing off the fence could transition to the falcon. Also, I think "the sky is blackening" stanza could probably do without line 3, as I think a blackening sky with the right temporal marker is always a warning of a storm, and I think there's no reason to show it if you're going to just say it anyway. Likewise, the repetition of "stretched her wings" and "sickle wings" seem to be saying the same thing too many times. Maybe find a way to condense those both into a single line of thought.

Now, what I like outweighs those quibbles. I love the unimposing rhymes of "tree, he, see, and me) in S8-9. It seems to subliminally tie all of the threads of the piece together. The "hills/thrills" rhyme is equally deftly handled. I like how "he thought" is delayed until the next line, as it suggests almost an afterthought, a rationalization rather than a completely logical reason. I love the rhythm of "beating the thickening air," as it has that wonderful thrust of dactyls. I especially love the rhythm of the last line of that stanza: POUNDed ALL beLOW, as it's a good example of using stresses to tell the story in miniature.

Overall, a very good piece, as usual, Hawk. :)

[Hawkman]

Thanks Ripley, although I didn't intend that the poem should appear, "dark". It rather, just describes an event. I'm glad you enjoyed it though.

Morpheus: Yes, good catch on the wings - a consequence of not reviewing a quickly written poem well enough before posting. I have fixed it, although unfortunately it means dispensing with the dactyls - Hi-ho, can't have one's cake and eat it :(

Your other points, I feel, are entirely subjective. Yes, the poem could have been written that way, but then it would have been a different poem :D There is a coherent order to the various elements. The lust was in him, the desire to hunt, and hunt as much as he could in the time available. The description of the bunny hunting illustrates one kind of falconry, hunting with Broadwings, but the long-wing has not yet been flown, and he (the falconer) wants a pheasant. Taking avian prey on the wing is a different discipline. By the way, if a falcon hits a fence at the bottom of a stoop it usually suffers traumatic injury and is killed.

With respect, that the sky was blackening, doesn't automatically indicate that there is a storm comming, it could be the approach of night, (time was getting on, as I remember, and it was the last flight of the day) so I feel the exposition of approaching storm is entirely justified in context, and anyway it acts as a rhetorical device which builds the drama.

I'm glad you found lots to enjoy in this offering, and, as always, I appreciate your close reading and all your comments.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Ahem. I'm concerned that you haven't quite recovered from Easter bunnies yet but that aside, I yearn to make points like MS but all I can manage atm is a monosyllabic iambic thrust with a little dactyl

da dum da dum da dum da dum da DUM!

dadum dum.

so commences the beginning of my basic education! Reading you both discuss poetry makes it all the more interesting.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Delta, by the way, a dactyl goes, Dah -di, di :D Glad we are able to hold your interest - lol

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Delta, by the way, a dactyl goes, Dah -di, di :D Glad we are able to hold your interest - lol

Live and be well - H

Really? Oh crap! I've asked MS if there is a beginner book for dummies on this kind of stuff so I'll ask you too!

[Hawkman]

All you need for the nomenclature is a dictionary, but Wiki has a good section on poetic form, and definitions for most of the terms you've seen bandied about on the forum :)

Stephen Fry's book (forget the title) is pretty good. Morpheus knows the one.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

The Ode Less Travelled.

[MorpheusSandman]

I'll respect your decision to keep the structural order, but on this:
that the sky was blackening, doesn't automatically indicate that there is a storm comming, it could be the approach of night, That's why I mentioned a "temporal marker" to indicate that it's not blackening just due to it being night. But your second line there about the "hail curtains" is enough to imply a storm. I must insist you kill that direct statement that the storm is approaching. C'mon. Go ahead. You know you wanna. Here's the ax. There's it's head. Just raise it up and... :D

[Delta40]

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/axe.jpg

[Hawkman]

Delta40 took an axe
and gave my poem 40 whacks;
when she saw what she had done
she gave the sandman 41

[Hawkman]

Morph, Don't mess with my rhetoric! LOL!!!

[MorpheusSandman]

^ :smilielol5:

[aliengirl]

Thanks Ripley, although I didn't intend that the poem should appear, "dark". It rather, just describes an event. I'm glad you enjoyed it though.



It seems that dark is an overused and oft-abused word. I should be more careful. Anyway, it was a good read.

[Hawkman]

Aww, Don't worry about it. Glad you enjoyed the poem though.

Live long and prosper - H

[DocHeart]

This is advanced. It's the first word that came to mind. I couldn't narrate an incident in this fashion, and I couldn't employ rhythm and rhymes as cleverly as you do in the last few lines. It's a work to read and reread and learn from.



as Goss and Harris
claimed their kills with screams
amid the fallen leaves,

the near misses
when a bird bounced off
a chain-link fence
the quarry slid beneath.



Either because I'm not a native speaker of English OR because I can't hear you reading this aloud, I got confused here. I'm alright up to Goss and Harris celebrating amid fallen leaves, but the next stanza has me going over it again and again trying to figure out what Goss and Harris did after a near miss, and what it was that the quarry slid beneath.

This is something that I often experience when I read poetry in English, however. I read Tony Harrison's "Book Ends" for the first time over 20 years ago; I'm still struggling with "Baked the day she suddenly dropped dead".

Thanks for sharing this one, Hawk, and may I take this opportunity to thank you for your contributions in general.

Best regards,
DH

[Hawkman]

That's very generous of you Doc, thanks very much, but can you just explain what, exactly, you don't understand the sense of in your problem stanza? Basically a near miss, (for the bird) when in pusuit of a rabbit, it bounced off a chain-link fence which the rabbit, (the quarry) was able to slip underneath. (You should have seen the disguntled look on the bird's face when this happened! Most put out, it was) :D

OK,

"Baked the day she suddenly dropped dead
we chew it slowly that last apple pie."

The lack of punctuation here would doubtless make it difficult for a non native English speaker to get a handle on, because it is unusual, though not incorrect, syntax. If it was worded thus:

"Slowly, we chewed the last apple pie she (had) baked
(on) the day she suddenly dropped dead"

you'll probably get the sense of it.

Thanks again, Doc

Live and be well - H

[DocHeart]

That's very generous of you Doc, thanks very much, but can you just explain what, exactly, you don't understand the sense of in your problem stanza? Basically a near miss, (for the bird) when in pusuit of a rabbit, it bounced off a chain-link fence which the rabbit, (the quarry) was able to slip underneath. (You should have seen the disguntled look on the bird's face when this happened! Most put out, it was) :D


LOL, it *was* my English that was the problem. I didn't know that "quarry" was a word for a hunted animal. I kept thinking about a place where they blow up dynamite and load chunks of marble on trucks :) I've looked it up now and I'm wiser for it. And it all makes sense. :)





OK,

"Baked the day she suddenly dropped dead
we chew it slowly that last apple pie."

The lack of punctuation here would doubtless make it difficult for a non native English speaker to get a handle on, because it is unusual, though not incorrect, syntax. If it was worded thus:

"Slowly, we chewed the last apple pie she (had) baked
(on) the day she suddenly dropped dead"

you'll probably get the sense of it.




That's how I had taken the liberty of translating it in my own mind, but obviously without express permission from the poet himself. Thanks for your help with this one!

Best,
DH

[Buh4Bee]

It's passionate!

[Hawkman]

But not steamy :D

[Buh4Bee]

What do you think? You wrote the poem. smiling wryly.

[Hawkman]

Definitely not steamy. Not sure about the passion, to be honest. Reflective, with a hint of humour and wistfulness, I'd say. On the whole, it wasn't a bad day...

Live and be well - H