water falls

[cacian]

what water gave me
was a bluey tangy
line of sultry
in fusion sundries
and melting candies

right through my hand
it flew like a striking
mosaic fancy
of splashes dainties
a quantum gaiety
of pearls
in perfect stencils
bubbles of santrums
intensely handsome
of sublime ethersome

what water gave me
was a surreal sanctum
a mix of wavelets
in tangent grandsome
virtual venture
of eternal mention

[MorpheusSandman]

I really like how you experiment with words, rhythms, and sounds, cacian, but I fear you're sacrificing sense for it. Actually, the culprit of this initially is the "was a..." that begins line 2, because a reader keeps waiting for an object the sentence and we only get adjectives until the next subject comes along. Also, I didn't get a dictionary hit for "santrums" (what are they?). But I do really like the sound and rhythm to this. It's one of those poems that inspires me to just close my eyes and listen.

[Buh4Bee]

This is a very visual piece- maybe of an experience of what happens when someone sticks their hand in a waterfall. But often I find I can't get past a second read of many of your poems. It just becomes like a reading experience of a dyslexic.

[cacian]

Thank you both for your very useful feedback.
Morpheus I see what you mean about the lack of object in the sentence, I totally did not see it.
I amended it now.
Thank you again!!

[tailor STATELY]

Love this poem cacian.

Your frenetic wordplay in this poem is as captivating as your subject.

"Santrums" serves as an interesting nonce word to ponder upon; however I might hazard to suggest the word "tantrums" instead.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[cacian]

Thank you tailor for reading and the feedback.

[cogs]

ah love the sound... it's so light and refreshing. the only word i don't like in this is attraction, since its consonants are hard. the whole cascades as water, and i think you should line break the stanzas, so we have time to digest. beautiful, cacian.