Poème de terre

[Jack of Hearts]

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[Silas Thorne]

Just hopped on here in for a quick squiz after a long break, and I'm slapped senseful here by the beauty of these words. I draw breath slowly and immerse in the thoughtflow. Thanks for sharing these Jack. Crisp and vivid.

[Hawkman]

Two extreemly good poems here Jack. Nice to see you posting again. In Lost Song, I'd be inclined to add a prepostion, 'of' or 'to', between sing and the. In S3 you either need a definite article before breeze or to make breeze plural, though I feel that two lines ending in softly stressed sibillants wouldn't be good.

In S4 kneeled is gramatical, but the extended strees of 'kneel' feels out of place to my ear, so knelt might be better here. There's nothing wrong with "toward a late edge of sky," but it could be tightened up: "Toward(s) the late sky's edge."

I'd be inclined to cut the definite article in L1 of S5, before 'fences', I think you need a comma after "rust" and I'd be inclined to drop "red." rust and sunset are kind of associated with red anyway.

Do you fear Thunder is a very strong poem, though I'd be inclined to cut "maybe" before maliciously, as it weakens the drama of the moment, and rhymically feels out of place to me. This is the weakest stanza because it's insufficiently bedded into the narrative. I don't think you need to repeat "I was there" either, unless of course you are Max (I was there) Boyce. For a rhetorical device, the repetition of "When" would be more appropriate. I would suggest:

"I was there

when lightening struck,
sudden and malicious,

when wind shredded branches
and the growth that ate the path,

when I cowered in the darkness,
taut as a shrunken iris -

prey for quiet noises."

The imagery is very strong in both poems, even without my meddling, and you always provide something well worth reading.

Live and be well - H

[cacian]

not pied a terre? haha..your poem title why did chose it?

[hallaig]

Really like the ambition in this, you use words well. Some suggestions?
Sing the Fields is a bit Dylan Thomas like for my tastes.

I really like 'Thistles kneeled towards a late edge of sky' but the sentence as a whole's a wee bit confusing:

i'D SING...
THE FIELDS...
GOLDEN..
AND SHAKEN BY BREEZE...
AS THOUGH EVERY THISTLE KNEELED...Why would you sing as if every thistle kneeled?

Junker's car rusty like/as red sunset?



Like the second one too.

No sure about the central image in the second poem 'taut as a shrunken iris'. Is a shrunken anything taut?

[DocHeart]

Comeback of the year? :)

Both of these smack of both inspiration and hard work, Jack. I envy the state of mind that gets one to produce a simile like the iris one in the second piece.

Kind regards,
DH

[MorpheusSandman]

These are both superbly sculptured miniature imagist pieces. I'm not sure which is better, as they both have some standout moments. I love the "rust like red sunset" in the first, and how it transitions from the traditional pastoral images to that of the trailer park and junker cars. In the second I love the "taut as a shrunken iris". I also have one quibble with each; in the first, I'm not sure what "toward a late edge of sky" is supposed to be... it seems to be a strange way of saying "toward the evening horizon," unless I'm missing something. In the second, that last line wants to half-work and half-not. I like it opening with "prey of," as it cleverly elides the "I" of the preceding lines, but "quiet noises" seems to be a somewhat uninspired paradox. It seems, perhaps, you mean the moments before the thunder actually sounds?