A Simple Modification

[aliengirl]

A Simple Modification

The spring of love gushed fast,
thick, cool, and sweet.
Its carefree ways and grace
soon cloyed your senses.

With bricks of abuse
you walled up its way,
with the mortar of hate
you choked its frothy flow,
with a cold concrete slab
slammed shut each pore of escape.

Love can't seep through,
love can't ooze out,
love can't flow free.

If you need me
I will be there-
not in love my dear,
only in sympathy.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The last stanza and especially the last two lines are a dramatic and moving conclusion to this! The change of tone is very effective.

[Delta40]

Wonderful transformation AG from Love to Sympathy.

[cogs]

it's so interesting the way love, though flowing, could find no path. i agree about the change of tone signaling the effect of the wall between them.

[Hawkman]

Hell hath, and all that...

Gritty poem Ripley. I think I'd be inclined to split S1 into 2 verses after senses. Youve over done the adjectives a bit, some of which, like, "carefree" and "easy ways" are tautologous. Try:

The spring of love gushed fast,
thick, cool and sweet
and its carefree ways and grace
soon cloyed your senses.

I'd very slightly tweek the next bit:

"With bricks of abuse
you walled up its way,
with the mortar of hate
you choked its frothy flow,
with a cold concrete slab
slammed shut each pore of escape."

I'll leave the rest of it alone. Good rhetorical devices here and pretty good rhythm too.

Nice one.

Live and be well - H

[aliengirl]

Thanks you very much Prince, Delta, and cog.
It's a pity that some people are so insensitive that they are never aware about this wall, this great rift between love and sympathy.

[aliengirl]

Thank you Hawk. Your review was posted just as I was typing the above one. Hmmm...yes, I agree about overdoing the adjectives. It was done rather consciously, to cloy the reader's patience. On second thoughts it may not be a good idea as they may quit reading after a few lines. Lol! I also agree about splitting S1. Then it would look much balanced.

Love you for being such a good critic and a constant friend. :)

[MorpheusSandman]

What is it with the 20th/21st Century insistence on making these really dark spring poems! It seems to have become a trend. Anyways, yours is definitely a good one to add to that growing tradition, ag. What I like here is how you really play with rhythm and disappointed expectation. S1, eg, reads as if it's in ballad meter with its opening trimeter/trimeter/trimeter rhythm, but the dimeter of L4 immediately shuts down our expectations right as the tone of the poem begins to switch. The dimeter continues for the first three lines of S2, and when trimeter does come back it's in the form of harsh adjectives and spondees (like cold con(crete)). The final stanza returns to the implied ballad trimeter of S1, and we half expect "despair" to come and rhyme with "there," but instead with get sympathy, which is much more interesting in its ambiguity.

Overall, very good poem.

[MystyrMystyry]

Interesting and subtle Alien Girl. I like the theme, and the (broken) rhyme in the final stanza rounds it out perfect.

[the facade]

I absolutely adore this one. Interesting concept and reflected in the form.

Great!

[aliengirl]

What is it with the 20th/21st Century insistence on making these really dark spring poems!

Nothing! I didn't even think of following a trend. It was just a phone call which chafed me and it was typed in rapid fire in hardly two minutes. Afterwards I took some time to tweak it (as Hawkman says). What's wrong in writing about one's own feelings?


Anyways, yours is definitely a good one to add to that growing tradition, MM.

Thanks but I'm not MM. Someone else is called by that name on this forum. I wish you'd taken some time to read OP's name.



What I like here is how you really play with rhythm and disappointed expectation. S1, eg, reads as if it's in ballad meter with its opening trimeter/trimeter/trimeter rhythm, but the dimeter of L4 immediately shuts down our expectations right as the tone of the poem begins to switch. The dimeter continues for the first three lines of S2, and when trimeter does come back it's in the form of harsh adjectives and spondees (like cold con(crete)). The final stanza returns to the implied ballad trimeter of S1, and we half expect "despair" to come and rhyme with "there," but instead with get sympathy, which is much more interesting in its ambiguity.

Overall, very good poem.


Well, this morning I was reading about New Criticism and explication and here I can see a good example. Thanks a lot for this detailed review. :)

[aliengirl]

@ MM - Thank you dear. Aha, you've got a new avatar! Ummm... not cute but somehow funny. :p

@ facade - Thanks a lot. Glad you liked it. :)

[MystyrMystyry]

It's Jabba the Hut from the Star Wars Alien Girl, and you're quite right about him. Fortunately he's only temporary because he makes me shudder ;)

[MorpheusSandman]

Hehe, I actually changed the MM to ag as you were posting your reply! Someone else called you that because both of you use that same blue font! Plus, before MM's avatar change, the avatars were a bit similar in their color. Sorry about that; I'll be careful from now on!

[Lokasenna]

This is a strong poem - eloquent in its brevity, and I think I join something of a consensus is particularly admiring that last stanza, which is very forceful. Well done!

[aliengirl]

It's Jabba the Hut from the Star Wars Alien Girl, and you're quite right about him. Fortunately he's only temporary because he makes me shudder ;)

I just saw Scher's Star Wars thread. Jabba is really not so attractive to stay there for long. :lol:

[aliengirl]

Hehe, I actually changed the MM to ag as you were posting your reply! Someone else called you that because both of you use that same blue font! Plus, before MM's avatar change, the avatars were a bit similar in their color. Sorry about that; I'll be careful from now on!

It's okay. It didn't seem fair that you wrote such a detailed and helpful review but didn't care about the writer's name. Anyway, no bad feelings. :)


This is a strong poem - eloquent in its brevity, and I think I join something of a consensus is particularly admiring that last stanza, which is very forceful. Well done!

Thank you very much. I never expected that a poem written on impulse would be liked so much. Perhaps spontaneity is more appealing than cold craft.

[MystyrMystyry]

Quite right ;)