the ''I use to think....'' thread

[cacian]

I use to think, and still do haha, that the alphabet was 24 long..I have to double check everytime and as a French speaker I understood the I to be an ''E'' sound and took me ages to get over the two sounds.
so whilst I was learning English and in a middle of a dictation I would always write E as an I because that is how the French pronounce the I they say Eeeeee..grrrrrrrrrrrrr it was really annoying

what did you use to do or think but now you don't?

[LadyLuck]

I used to think that everything in the Willy Wonka movie was real. A big thank you to my father for spinning that yarn :lol: My own little ones were not nearly so gullible. That said, they keep asking about the REAL dinosaurs from Jurassic Park and are curious if we'll ever see real ones.

[Paulclem]

i used to think that the stars only came out around Christmas - when I was a small child - due to the long winter nights and short summer ones.

I also used to think there was a lion in the airing cupboard. (I still do, but don't admit it now. I scoff with the rest if anyone suggests it).

[cacian]

I also used to think there was a lion in the airing cupboard. (I still do, but don't admit it now. I scoff with the rest if anyone suggests it).

why a lion and in a cupbpoard? am I missing something?

[Paulclem]

why a lion and in a cupbpoard? am I missing something?

No, you're not missing anything - I was just very small. Now I'm big but deluded.

I used to think that "survival of the fittest" referred to the survival of the specifically bigger, stronger, faster etc. rather than the survival of the best adapted.

I used to think the the "Great" in "Great Britain" referred to Britain being great as in bigger/ better etc. Now i know it's merely a geographical term meaning the greater part of.

Perhaps a lot of bother would have been saved if we'd been calld "Upper".

[DocHeart]

I used to think I'm schizophrenic. But he doesn't now.

[MANICHAEAN]

The Creative Aspect of a Child's Mind.

Examples:


MELANIE (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
Had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

DJ (age 4)
Stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
'What happened to the flea?'


The Sermon.'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment a small girl who was listening leaned over to her Mum and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[Helga]

I used to think dogs were boys and cats were girls, wonder if that is why I always wanted a male dog.

[Delta40]

I used to think the lyrics to Lord of the Dance were:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance Settee
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all to the Dance Settee
(...lead you all to the Dance Settee!)

I used to imagine God sitting on this wonderful settee and people dancing around him!

[Paulclem]

I used to think that the phrase - "A friend in need is a friend indeed" meant that your friend really was your friend because he was needy, and presumably wanted something from you, rather than it being someone who was your friend, despite your needfulness, who had proved just how much of a friend they were.

[Delta40]

I used to think that the phrase - "A friend in need is a friend indeed" meant that your friend really was your friend because he was needy, and presumably wanted something from you, rather than it being someone who was your friend, despite your needfulness, who had proved just how much of a friend they were.

Well I imagined that a friend in need was a friend in deed meaning you could get them to do stuff for you because they needed a friend and were willing to do what it took to get one!

[Paulclem]

Well I imagined that a friend in need was a friend in deed meaning you could get them to do stuff for you because they needed a friend and were willing to do what it took to get one!

:lol:

They just didn't explain things very well back then - way back then for me.

I was once on a rugby trip to London. A mate of mine had moved there, and I thought we might see him when we went out after the game. (I came from a small town).

Hmm - I seem to have a lot to contribute to these "Foolishnesses I've said, thought and done" type threads.

[Delta40]

Hmm - I seem to have a lot to contribute to these "Foolishnesses I've said, thought and done" type threads.

lol. We might have to rename it after you!

[Delta40]

I used to think The Brady Bunch were a normal family and I secretly believed that I must have been adopted.

[symphony]

I used to think if I had sugar in my mouth, ants would come to my mouth to get it.

[cacian]

I was once on a rugby trip to London. A mate of mine had moved there, and I thought we might see him when we went out after the game. (I came from a small town).

LOL that is funny
I use to think rugby was just a sport and sandwich was just food until I discovered they were actually towns as well. Goodness I never expected that!!!


I used to think The Brady Bunch were a normal family and I secretly believed that I must have been adopted.

why did you think you must have been secretely adopted?

[Delta40]

why did you think you must have been secretely adopted?

lol. Because I thought all families functioned like the Brady Bunch and mine didn't so I concluded that I must have been adopted and my real family were probably just like the Brady Bunch!

[JuniperWoolf]

I used to think India was in Africa (I thought it was the bottom point of southern Africa, because the shape seemed to fit).

[cacian]

lol. Because I thought all families functioned like the Brady Bunch and mine didn't so I concluded that I must have been adopted and my real family were probably just like the Brady Bunch!

Oh I never watched it...I just looked it up it mentions something about the ''blended family''.
Were all the members not so related?

I use to think a marsuptial and martian meant the same that they were related somehow.
It is to do with the way it is spelt.
Oh dear little did I know.

[jajdude]

These are pretty good.

From http://www.virtualteacher.com.au/history.html


Subject: History of the World

The following is a history of the world from the Egyptians to the beginning
of the First World War, " pasted together from real sentences written by
students on history exams in the U.S." (including the little-known and
rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper")...

Student History

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between
France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears
in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[Pensive]

I used to think people liked you to be honest with them!

[cacian]

I used to think people liked you to be honest with them!

I use to think that and I still do.
what made you change your mind Pensive?

[Pensive]

Oh and I also used to think babies could only be made once the religious figurehead had joined man and woman in marriage by sermon!


I use to think that and I still do.
what made you change your mind Pensive?

Well in general they may but sometimes they would rather not face the truth just so they could enjoy their comfort zone!

[cacian]

[QUOTE=Pensive;1139791]Oh and I also used to think babies could only be made once the religious figurehead had joined man and woman in marriage by sermon

wow incredible you must have been very young to have thought that.


Well in general they may but sometimes they would rather not face the truth just so they could enjoy their comfort zone![/
true escapism is usually the quickest but not the safest exit and so it is always better to tell it as it is because it is word against their insolvency.

[qimissung]

I used to think people liked you to be honest with them!

Me, too! I only recently came to realize that was probably not true.

And I used to think that people in charge of things really wanted to do the right thing, do a good job, and serve the people they were there to serve.

Silly me.

[Delta40]

These are pretty good.

From http://www.virtualteacher.com.au/history.html


Subject: History of the World

The following is a history of the world from the Egyptians to the beginning
of the First World War, " pasted together from real sentences written by
students on history exams in the U.S." (including the little-known and
rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper")...

Student History

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between
France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears
in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Hilarious! You gotta love kids and their understanding of words and context!

[qimissung]

These are pretty good.

From http://www.virtualteacher.com.au/history.html


Subject: History of the World

The following is a history of the world from the Egyptians to the beginning
of the First World War, " pasted together from real sentences written by
students on history exams in the U.S." (including the little-known and
rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper")...

Student History

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between
France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears
in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.
Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


:lol::lol: Oh, oh, I'm in pain from laughing so hard.