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View Full Version : I have to write a short story for an assignment, please give me criticism.



Rockgod
04-26-2012, 04:11 PM
Ror’gosh was rounding on his 16th year of life, nearly a full-grown Tugevar. He was the strongest of his age in his clan. Standing nearly eight feet tall and built like a bull, he could hurl even the heaviest warhammer nearly 60 feet. He weighed almost five hundred pounds and had rubbery, mottled tan skin. Covering his head, back, arms, and legs, were hard, brown, sharp, ridges that could deflect any blade. His back hunched at the shoulders and his neck pushed his head forward. Most humans would have described him by calling him a troll, but it would be the last thing they ever did, if a Tugevar had anything to do with it. They loathe being confused with their dim-witted cousins, and will kill anyone who does such.

Being nearly full-grown, it was time for Ror’gosh to complete the Great Trial. To complete the trial, he must wander the savannah for five weeks, with only the clothes on his back and a 150-pound kahdo-jaw hammer. All Tugevar are required to complete this trial before they can be recognized as anything other than a crying Tuge, still nursing from his mother.

Ror’gosh had already been wandering for two weeks and was looking for a place to lie down and rest, when he heard the sounds of horses, and swords being unsheathed coming form over the next hill. He thought this was very peculiar, as the Four of the Grand Council would never allow battle to take place in this peaceful area. He was perplexed, and was compelled to walk to the top of the hill and find the source of these noises.

When he got to the top of the hill, he was amazed by what he saw. All of the armies of Man, from every corner of the world were gathered and prepared for battle. Millions of foot soldiers, hundreds of thousands of knights on horses, millions of archers, thousands of pike-men. All waiting in the center of a great plain. But for what were they waiting?

This question was answered by a huge gust of wind from the North, and there, on the top of the northern ridge of the valley, appeared a single rider, carrying a great, two-and-a-half-hand, steel sword. Then the wind shifted to the south, and there also appeared a rider on the southern ridge, carrying a great battle-axe nearly the length of his horse, the curved blades the length of a man’s leg. The wind shifted again, this time to the east. There on the eastern ridge, stood another rider holding a spiked mace. The shaft was nearly as long as he was tall, and the spiked ball at the top was the size of a man’s head, the spikes, as long as a man’s forearm. The wind shifted once more to the west and a fourth rider appeared on the western ridge, carrying an enormous hammer of war as broad as his shoulders.

Behind these four riders marched their infernal soldiers of death. They were outnumbered by the armies of Man nearly four to one, but you could sense the powers of Hell and death that coursed through their veins just by looking at them. Everything was silent, Ror’gosh could hear his heart beating. Enormous black storm clouds filled the sky with darkness as they shaded the sun. Flames danced across the tops and bottoms of the clouds and smoke fogged the air. Ror’gosh could sense the tension mounting between the armies of Man and the four riders. The four riders raised their weapons into the air, screamed their war cry, and charged down toward the armies of man. Their soldiers of death followed them, sprinting with inhuman speed. Funnel clouds of fire and smoke leaped to the ground from the clouds above ravaging the armies of Man. The soldiers of Death fought with a speed and strength that could be matched by no man.

Delta40
04-26-2012, 04:55 PM
Your story gets muddled in the first two paragraphs between present and past tense. This story happens in the past but you narrate in the present what Tugevars loathe, what they must do.

I have no idea why you go to such lengths to describe a Tugevar given that he plays no role in the story other than to observe a great battle which, by all accounts is the main focus. If you're going to do this, make the story about a Tugevar joining the battle and don't describe them in one huge hit in the first paragraph either. (Tip: Don't steal everything from the readers imagination by giving too much detail about your characters)

The battle ground setting seems monstrous in terms of numbers and given that it is the focus of your story, there is really nothing said for the reader to grasp. How did this battle come into being? I assume the four riders on the hill were the Four Grand Council (Tugevars I'm guessing?) but you don't explain why they came to be battling in a place of peace, nor how they are linked to your observer.

I think the story needs alot more background (alot more words!), especially when you're writing about great battles involving millions upon millions of soldiers and introducing Tugevars who we know little or nothing about. Showing the reader by means of actions and dialogue rather than just telling detail will be helpful. It could be an exciting read!

Good luck.

Hwo Thumb
01-06-2014, 09:44 PM
Your story gets muddled in the first two paragraphs between present and past tense. This story happens in the past but you narrate in the present what Tugevars loathe, what they must do.

I have no idea why you go to such lengths to describe a Tugevar given that he plays no role in the story other than to observe a great battle which, by all accounts is the main focus. If you're going to do this, make the story about a Tugevar joining the battle and don't describe them in one huge hit in the first paragraph either. (Tip: Don't steal everything from the readers imagination by giving too much detail about your characters)

The battle ground setting seems monstrous in terms of numbers and given that it is the focus of your story, there is really nothing said for the reader to grasp. How did this battle come into being? I assume the four riders on the hill were the Four Grand Council (Tugevars I'm guessing?) but you don't explain why they came to be battling in a place of peace, nor how they are linked to your observer.

I think the story needs alot more background (alot more words!), especially when you're writing about great battles involving millions upon millions of soldiers and introducing Tugevars who we know little or nothing about. Showing the reader by means of actions and dialogue rather than just telling detail will be helpful. It could be an exciting read!

Good luck.
Everything Delta just said.
The work could stand to be a little longer, and involve the main character a bit more. (You've built up this big strong monstrous warrior in my mind and he just sits back and watches the fight.)
Another note, purely logical: If the four death armies are coming from every direction, how did Ror’gosh not see at least one of them on his way up the hill? Even if he was going up at a direction in between, he still probably would have seen something before he mounted the hill and saw the humans.

You've captured my imagination. This is definitely a good start.