Alexmiotti
04-24-2012, 05:53 PM
Day 0
It was going to be a good day. I hadn’t seen my girlfriend in over three weeks and it was killing me. Yeah, say whatever you want but, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t gotten softer since we started dating. I cry at movies now and on all those other sappy occasions: weddings, little kids’ birthdays, you name it. If it’s sappy, I cry. Not like bawl or anything, just tear up a little. I’m still kind of tough, jeeze.
I rolled (literally) out of bed and landed on my feet, rubbed my eyes in front of the mirror that hung on my door and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Every morning I do the same thing: start the shower, put it on hot, and then brush my teeth while I let steam fill the room. Today was slightly different; as I utilized the power of Listerine for extra protection. As it would happen to me, those extra thirty seconds were just enough to let the water burn my back when I stepped inside. I pushed the shower head up so that it hit the wall behind me and turned the heat down. That was better.
My thoughts raced. I kept planning my day over and over and over again, like some sort of mystic chant: get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Ok, I think I got it. I got out of the shower and grabbed the towel off the rack. I dried off as quickly as possible and made my way back into the bedroom. I grabbed my jeans off the floor, but then dropped them back on the floor. I went over to the closet and picked out a clean pair.
Throwing them on the bed, I went over to the closet and opened up my shirt drawer. Usually this wasn’t a hard decision, but today proved especially difficult. Polo? V-Neck? Tank Top? No, no tank top. Inspiration struck me as my eyes fell upon the article of clothing that was to be worn that day. The green flannel she bought me for my birthday last year. She always told me how good I looked in this shirt. Apparently it made me look “distinguished.” How does one look “distinguished” in a flannel? I really had no idea, but whatever, as long as she was happy.
From here the choices were easy, black socks, black shoes, hesitation, no, definitely white shoes. Now that that was figured out, it was time to clean the rest of the room. It didn’t take long. I really just had to pick up the clothes on the floor and make the bed. I don’t know why I left it so messy all the time; she always made fun of me for that.
Upon finishing my room I realized the rushed job on the bed would never get past my girlfriend’s vigilant eye, so I pulled all the sheets off and restarted with the mattress protector. I then remembered why I my room was always such a mess; making the bed is the Devil’s way of reminding us that inanimate objects are sometimes smarter than we are. Every time I would get two corners covered and reach out for the third, one of the previously covered corners would release the sheet and the process would begin anew. Suddenly my phone began ringing, breaking my concentration. Startled, I fumbled through the various debris that loitered on top of my night stand until I finally grabbed my cell phone. I answered it without checking to see who it was.
“Hello, this is Tyler.”
“Oh, is it now?” went a familiar voice through my cell phone’s speaker. I gave a quiet laugh before responding.
“Yeah babe, how’s everything going?”
“Good! I just finished everything up here, so whenever you’re ready for lunch, I think we…” My phone beeped as another call came in. “Hey, sorry to cut you off, there’s someone else on the line, I don’t recognize the number. Let me call you back really quick, ok?”
“Ok, I’ll wait.”
“Ok, sorry…” I looked down at my phone and switched the calls. “Hello, this is Tyler.”
“Hello Mr. Young, this is St. Francis Medical Clinic, we were just calling you back about a couple tests that you had last week. We have the results and wanted you to come in right away.”
“Um, ok… Is everything alright?
“The doctor would like to speak with you. Would you be able to come in within the next two hours?”
This was the last thing I wanted. Nothing ever went our way, Kate’s and mine. Whether we miss our movie because of some freak traffic, or the concert gets cancelled because the performer is “sick,” something always seems to go wrong and we always end up disappointed. My eyes scanned my room suddenly locking in on themselves in my mirror. I never spent a lot of time looking at myself and my reflection seemed dissimilar. The man looking back at me appeared older than I felt and his skin looked rougher than mine ever had. My once dirty blonde hair, full of life, now presented itself as a dull brown.
“Sir, are you there?” The voice over the phone cut through my thoughts.
“Yeah, yeah, um, I can be there in half an hour.”
“Ok, we will see you then.”
I clenched my fists and teeth. The frustration was overwhelming. I sat back down on my half made bed and took a few deep breaths. Fine. It wasn’t like this was anything new. We’ll just roll with the punches, the same way we always did. I reached down for my phone again. It felt heavier this time, the same way a rag feels after soaking up dirty water. I dialed in Kate’s number and put the phone back to my ear.
“Hey, sorry about that, um, I have some bad news.” I heard a heavy sigh from the other line. The same sigh she gave every time. The one that said,
“Seriously? Again? What is it this time?”
“What’s wrong, babe?” She said to me, trying to cover her irritation.
“Remember when I had to go to the doctor last week? Well, they want me to go back in today. I think it might be serious.” There was silence on the other end. I wasn’t sure what to think. Was she mad that our first date after being apart for 25 days was ruined? Did she think I was making something up so I could go hang out with my friends? Sometimes I had no idea what she was thinking.
“I’m going with you.”
“What? Come on love, it’s gonna take you 20 minutes to get here. 20 minutes for us to get to the doctor and then who knows how long you’ll be waiting for me in there!”
“Well, the doctor said it might be serious right?”
“I mean, something like that yeah, but that doesn’t mean…”
“Then I’m going with you. I don’t care how long it takes, I haven’t seen you in forever and that’s really all I want to do today.” This made me smile. She was good at that, making me smile. I only wish I was half as good as she was. She of course claimed I was better, but that’s beside the point.
“Alright, I’ll see you soon babe.”
I set the phone on my night stand and pulled the sheets around me like swaddling cloth. The only time I had really heard anybody use the term “swaddling cloth” was in reference to what Jesus wore as a baby in a manger. My Sunday school teacher had explained it to me as a sort of restrictive cloth that kept babies from moving around too much. I don’t know if the babies found this restriction comforting, but I sure did. The warm blankets coupled nicely with my inability to move and gently eased my pounding heart into a placid beat. I closed my eyes on concentrated on my breath. I was done being apart from Kate. I wanted her here, now, physically. I was tired of just talking on the phone, texting, skyping, and other virtual replacements that weren’t even a shadow of the real thing. I wanted to replace the blanket’s warmth for hers and trade its comforting limitations for her invigorating liberations. I wanted to feel her heartbeat on top of mine as my temperature rose the closer she came. I wanted to spend a whole day where I had no obligations, nothing to do, and no distractions; just her big hazel eyes and soft brown hair. I wanted a lot of things, but most of all I just wanted her to be here.
***********
It was a typical doctor’s office lobby, but today something looked different. Maybe it was the canary yellow paint peeling in the corner by the children’s section. Maybe it was the slight water damage done to every magazine except the newest issue of Cosmo. Either way, it didn’t matter. Something was different. Kate squeezed my hand as we took our first steps through the sliding glass doors. Her small hand felt good in mine. It made me less nervous, though not as comfortable as I’d like to be. It reminded me of all the things I’d done right. Strange, how something so small could have such a vast effect on me. Much like splitting an atom, but without the widespread devastation and nuclear fallout.
We walked over to the receptionist. She wore no earrings, but if she did they would have been covered by cheap plastic headphones. She was listening to music on a small blue stereo that was practically hidden behind a stack of files. She didn’t notice us at first, but after a slight rap on the glass window she immediately perked up.
“Hello! How can I help you?”
“Hi, I made an appointment about 40 minutes ago? I was told to come in as soon as possible.”
“Oh yes, you must be Mr. Young. The doctor is actually seeing one more patient, but if you take a seat he should be able to see you within the next fifteen minutes.”
I walked over and sat down next to an end table where a small fake fern took up most of the space. Kate went over to the magazine rack and grabbed the unblemished Cosmo and sat down next to me. As Kate began to read, I looked at the wall in front of me. It wasn’t interesting. The same canary yellow paint, a couple sketches of flowers, standard doctor office stuff. There was no music playing. There were speakers in the far corners of the room, but they look like they hadn’t been used in months, maybe years. The dust on the grill was now overwhelming, undeterred by sound waves. And the original black paint now looked grey. I wanted desperately not to be there. I think Kate could tell. She kept looking up from her magazine only to see me staring around the room. She placed her hand on my back, again I felt better.
The door to the doctor’s office opened and an elderly couple walked out. They walked slowly, like old people do. First the walker, then a few steps, then the walker, then a few more steps. Kate thought it was cute. I didn’t. Normally, I liked old people; my grandpa was an old person, I liked him. But by this time my anxiety over the phone call had peaked, finally asserting itself over even my invincibility complex. The couple finally made their way out of the lobby and the doctor called me over by name. I touched Kate’s leg and motioned for her to come in with me. She shook her head, but I motioned again and she acquiesced.
We followed the doctor into his office. He was an interesting man, Doctor Lim, short, about 5’4” with small circular glasses. He always wore the same royal blue shirt and glossy red tie underneath his doctor scrubs. He greased his hair back and smelled oddly of green tea and chemicals. I’d been seeing him since I was in high school and never really cared to find a new doctor as I only moved an hour away and figured it would be more trouble than it was worth. Besides, this was a perfectly good doctor and he did not need replacing.
I took a seat on the examination bed thing most people are accustomed to seeing in doctor’s office. The thin paper felt chalky and completely ineffective at protecting me from whatever germs the old man with the walker may have had. I then wondered if the old man had been strong enough to get himself up here, or if they had to put paper down on a different seat so that everything would remain sanitary. The thought was quickly dismissed and I patted the seat next to me. Kate sat down next to me and the Doctor positioned himself in front of the two of us. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” he said. “It seems that you have a very advanced form of a blood disease. It’s called Polycythaemia Vera. Personally, I’ve never seen it before, but upon further research and discussion with some of my colleagues I’ve managed to learn as much about it as possible since I discovered you had it last night. The disease is making your blood grow exponentially thicker.”
“You mean it’s becoming solid?” I asked confused.
“Yes, but it’s not freezing or anything like that. What’s happening is that your body is making too many red blood cells. Eventually your blood will become too thick and you’ll either suffer from a stroke or a heart attack.”
“So what am I supposed to do?” I was even more confused.
“Unfortunately, a blood transfusion is out of the question. The disease is genetic and even if we were able to remove it and give you new blood, your body would only continually produce excess red blood cells effectively reversing the transfusion. The only thing I can give you is this high dosage blood thinner. With luck it will fend off the disease for as long as possible.” Doctor Lim handed me a small piece of paper with illegible scribbles on it that must’ve had instructions for the pharmacist.
“Wait, what do you mean as long as possible?” Kate said standing up. “How long is he supposed to be sick for?”
Doctor Lim looked down at his clipboard. He quickly glanced at me, but the moment we made eye contact he once again looked at his clipboard. “I’m sorry Tyler, but I’m afraid that even with the blood thinners you won’t live much longer than a week.”
My heart broke. Or at least it felt like it did. It hurt like it did. I grabbed Kate’s hand and turned to embrace her. Tears were forming in my eyes, but already running down her cheeks. I held her as close as I possibly could and whispered gently into her ear, “Everything’s gonna be fine.” I knew it was a lie, but I said it anyway. Not for her comfort, but my own. It was a lie I had told myself since the day I was born, not just about health issues but everything. Family, friends, school, I had covered all of it with those 4 deceptive words. And here was death, staring me in the face. I was finally going to have to say something to it. No more smile and pretend it goes away, no more, “I’ll save it for tomorrow.” I only had a week left.
It was going to be a good day. I hadn’t seen my girlfriend in over three weeks and it was killing me. Yeah, say whatever you want but, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t gotten softer since we started dating. I cry at movies now and on all those other sappy occasions: weddings, little kids’ birthdays, you name it. If it’s sappy, I cry. Not like bawl or anything, just tear up a little. I’m still kind of tough, jeeze.
I rolled (literally) out of bed and landed on my feet, rubbed my eyes in front of the mirror that hung on my door and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Every morning I do the same thing: start the shower, put it on hot, and then brush my teeth while I let steam fill the room. Today was slightly different; as I utilized the power of Listerine for extra protection. As it would happen to me, those extra thirty seconds were just enough to let the water burn my back when I stepped inside. I pushed the shower head up so that it hit the wall behind me and turned the heat down. That was better.
My thoughts raced. I kept planning my day over and over and over again, like some sort of mystic chant: get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Get out, dry off, get dressed, clean room, clean kitchen. Ok, I think I got it. I got out of the shower and grabbed the towel off the rack. I dried off as quickly as possible and made my way back into the bedroom. I grabbed my jeans off the floor, but then dropped them back on the floor. I went over to the closet and picked out a clean pair.
Throwing them on the bed, I went over to the closet and opened up my shirt drawer. Usually this wasn’t a hard decision, but today proved especially difficult. Polo? V-Neck? Tank Top? No, no tank top. Inspiration struck me as my eyes fell upon the article of clothing that was to be worn that day. The green flannel she bought me for my birthday last year. She always told me how good I looked in this shirt. Apparently it made me look “distinguished.” How does one look “distinguished” in a flannel? I really had no idea, but whatever, as long as she was happy.
From here the choices were easy, black socks, black shoes, hesitation, no, definitely white shoes. Now that that was figured out, it was time to clean the rest of the room. It didn’t take long. I really just had to pick up the clothes on the floor and make the bed. I don’t know why I left it so messy all the time; she always made fun of me for that.
Upon finishing my room I realized the rushed job on the bed would never get past my girlfriend’s vigilant eye, so I pulled all the sheets off and restarted with the mattress protector. I then remembered why I my room was always such a mess; making the bed is the Devil’s way of reminding us that inanimate objects are sometimes smarter than we are. Every time I would get two corners covered and reach out for the third, one of the previously covered corners would release the sheet and the process would begin anew. Suddenly my phone began ringing, breaking my concentration. Startled, I fumbled through the various debris that loitered on top of my night stand until I finally grabbed my cell phone. I answered it without checking to see who it was.
“Hello, this is Tyler.”
“Oh, is it now?” went a familiar voice through my cell phone’s speaker. I gave a quiet laugh before responding.
“Yeah babe, how’s everything going?”
“Good! I just finished everything up here, so whenever you’re ready for lunch, I think we…” My phone beeped as another call came in. “Hey, sorry to cut you off, there’s someone else on the line, I don’t recognize the number. Let me call you back really quick, ok?”
“Ok, I’ll wait.”
“Ok, sorry…” I looked down at my phone and switched the calls. “Hello, this is Tyler.”
“Hello Mr. Young, this is St. Francis Medical Clinic, we were just calling you back about a couple tests that you had last week. We have the results and wanted you to come in right away.”
“Um, ok… Is everything alright?
“The doctor would like to speak with you. Would you be able to come in within the next two hours?”
This was the last thing I wanted. Nothing ever went our way, Kate’s and mine. Whether we miss our movie because of some freak traffic, or the concert gets cancelled because the performer is “sick,” something always seems to go wrong and we always end up disappointed. My eyes scanned my room suddenly locking in on themselves in my mirror. I never spent a lot of time looking at myself and my reflection seemed dissimilar. The man looking back at me appeared older than I felt and his skin looked rougher than mine ever had. My once dirty blonde hair, full of life, now presented itself as a dull brown.
“Sir, are you there?” The voice over the phone cut through my thoughts.
“Yeah, yeah, um, I can be there in half an hour.”
“Ok, we will see you then.”
I clenched my fists and teeth. The frustration was overwhelming. I sat back down on my half made bed and took a few deep breaths. Fine. It wasn’t like this was anything new. We’ll just roll with the punches, the same way we always did. I reached down for my phone again. It felt heavier this time, the same way a rag feels after soaking up dirty water. I dialed in Kate’s number and put the phone back to my ear.
“Hey, sorry about that, um, I have some bad news.” I heard a heavy sigh from the other line. The same sigh she gave every time. The one that said,
“Seriously? Again? What is it this time?”
“What’s wrong, babe?” She said to me, trying to cover her irritation.
“Remember when I had to go to the doctor last week? Well, they want me to go back in today. I think it might be serious.” There was silence on the other end. I wasn’t sure what to think. Was she mad that our first date after being apart for 25 days was ruined? Did she think I was making something up so I could go hang out with my friends? Sometimes I had no idea what she was thinking.
“I’m going with you.”
“What? Come on love, it’s gonna take you 20 minutes to get here. 20 minutes for us to get to the doctor and then who knows how long you’ll be waiting for me in there!”
“Well, the doctor said it might be serious right?”
“I mean, something like that yeah, but that doesn’t mean…”
“Then I’m going with you. I don’t care how long it takes, I haven’t seen you in forever and that’s really all I want to do today.” This made me smile. She was good at that, making me smile. I only wish I was half as good as she was. She of course claimed I was better, but that’s beside the point.
“Alright, I’ll see you soon babe.”
I set the phone on my night stand and pulled the sheets around me like swaddling cloth. The only time I had really heard anybody use the term “swaddling cloth” was in reference to what Jesus wore as a baby in a manger. My Sunday school teacher had explained it to me as a sort of restrictive cloth that kept babies from moving around too much. I don’t know if the babies found this restriction comforting, but I sure did. The warm blankets coupled nicely with my inability to move and gently eased my pounding heart into a placid beat. I closed my eyes on concentrated on my breath. I was done being apart from Kate. I wanted her here, now, physically. I was tired of just talking on the phone, texting, skyping, and other virtual replacements that weren’t even a shadow of the real thing. I wanted to replace the blanket’s warmth for hers and trade its comforting limitations for her invigorating liberations. I wanted to feel her heartbeat on top of mine as my temperature rose the closer she came. I wanted to spend a whole day where I had no obligations, nothing to do, and no distractions; just her big hazel eyes and soft brown hair. I wanted a lot of things, but most of all I just wanted her to be here.
***********
It was a typical doctor’s office lobby, but today something looked different. Maybe it was the canary yellow paint peeling in the corner by the children’s section. Maybe it was the slight water damage done to every magazine except the newest issue of Cosmo. Either way, it didn’t matter. Something was different. Kate squeezed my hand as we took our first steps through the sliding glass doors. Her small hand felt good in mine. It made me less nervous, though not as comfortable as I’d like to be. It reminded me of all the things I’d done right. Strange, how something so small could have such a vast effect on me. Much like splitting an atom, but without the widespread devastation and nuclear fallout.
We walked over to the receptionist. She wore no earrings, but if she did they would have been covered by cheap plastic headphones. She was listening to music on a small blue stereo that was practically hidden behind a stack of files. She didn’t notice us at first, but after a slight rap on the glass window she immediately perked up.
“Hello! How can I help you?”
“Hi, I made an appointment about 40 minutes ago? I was told to come in as soon as possible.”
“Oh yes, you must be Mr. Young. The doctor is actually seeing one more patient, but if you take a seat he should be able to see you within the next fifteen minutes.”
I walked over and sat down next to an end table where a small fake fern took up most of the space. Kate went over to the magazine rack and grabbed the unblemished Cosmo and sat down next to me. As Kate began to read, I looked at the wall in front of me. It wasn’t interesting. The same canary yellow paint, a couple sketches of flowers, standard doctor office stuff. There was no music playing. There were speakers in the far corners of the room, but they look like they hadn’t been used in months, maybe years. The dust on the grill was now overwhelming, undeterred by sound waves. And the original black paint now looked grey. I wanted desperately not to be there. I think Kate could tell. She kept looking up from her magazine only to see me staring around the room. She placed her hand on my back, again I felt better.
The door to the doctor’s office opened and an elderly couple walked out. They walked slowly, like old people do. First the walker, then a few steps, then the walker, then a few more steps. Kate thought it was cute. I didn’t. Normally, I liked old people; my grandpa was an old person, I liked him. But by this time my anxiety over the phone call had peaked, finally asserting itself over even my invincibility complex. The couple finally made their way out of the lobby and the doctor called me over by name. I touched Kate’s leg and motioned for her to come in with me. She shook her head, but I motioned again and she acquiesced.
We followed the doctor into his office. He was an interesting man, Doctor Lim, short, about 5’4” with small circular glasses. He always wore the same royal blue shirt and glossy red tie underneath his doctor scrubs. He greased his hair back and smelled oddly of green tea and chemicals. I’d been seeing him since I was in high school and never really cared to find a new doctor as I only moved an hour away and figured it would be more trouble than it was worth. Besides, this was a perfectly good doctor and he did not need replacing.
I took a seat on the examination bed thing most people are accustomed to seeing in doctor’s office. The thin paper felt chalky and completely ineffective at protecting me from whatever germs the old man with the walker may have had. I then wondered if the old man had been strong enough to get himself up here, or if they had to put paper down on a different seat so that everything would remain sanitary. The thought was quickly dismissed and I patted the seat next to me. Kate sat down next to me and the Doctor positioned himself in front of the two of us. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” he said. “It seems that you have a very advanced form of a blood disease. It’s called Polycythaemia Vera. Personally, I’ve never seen it before, but upon further research and discussion with some of my colleagues I’ve managed to learn as much about it as possible since I discovered you had it last night. The disease is making your blood grow exponentially thicker.”
“You mean it’s becoming solid?” I asked confused.
“Yes, but it’s not freezing or anything like that. What’s happening is that your body is making too many red blood cells. Eventually your blood will become too thick and you’ll either suffer from a stroke or a heart attack.”
“So what am I supposed to do?” I was even more confused.
“Unfortunately, a blood transfusion is out of the question. The disease is genetic and even if we were able to remove it and give you new blood, your body would only continually produce excess red blood cells effectively reversing the transfusion. The only thing I can give you is this high dosage blood thinner. With luck it will fend off the disease for as long as possible.” Doctor Lim handed me a small piece of paper with illegible scribbles on it that must’ve had instructions for the pharmacist.
“Wait, what do you mean as long as possible?” Kate said standing up. “How long is he supposed to be sick for?”
Doctor Lim looked down at his clipboard. He quickly glanced at me, but the moment we made eye contact he once again looked at his clipboard. “I’m sorry Tyler, but I’m afraid that even with the blood thinners you won’t live much longer than a week.”
My heart broke. Or at least it felt like it did. It hurt like it did. I grabbed Kate’s hand and turned to embrace her. Tears were forming in my eyes, but already running down her cheeks. I held her as close as I possibly could and whispered gently into her ear, “Everything’s gonna be fine.” I knew it was a lie, but I said it anyway. Not for her comfort, but my own. It was a lie I had told myself since the day I was born, not just about health issues but everything. Family, friends, school, I had covered all of it with those 4 deceptive words. And here was death, staring me in the face. I was finally going to have to say something to it. No more smile and pretend it goes away, no more, “I’ll save it for tomorrow.” I only had a week left.