Yearning

[cogs]

The girl with her splayed gray hat
Drags her translucent hair
Across the spring sky
I wish she'd drop by
We could soak up some chat

[Buh4Bee]

Nice April poem. Hope it rains.

[Hawkman]

Like B4B I rather suppose that this is about a cloud form. You should live here, it's rained every day this month :)

The thing I notice about the first two lines is that there are a lot of adjectives. "wide, slate-grey" just doesn't scan well, although I accept that they are appropriate in context. However, I'd be inclined to drop either "wide" or "slate" in the first line and rearrange line 2 to read, "long, translucent" which has a more natural rythm. Starting a line with, "and" is something which I try to avoid and contextually it's unnecessary here. The second sentence reads as though it is the narrator who is dry, and wishes to be wet. If this is your intent then fine, no problem. If, on the other hand, you merely wish to indicate that that the general condition is dry, you might want reword the last sentence, eg:

"I wish she'd drop by
because it's dry."

But like I said, it depends on your intent. I'd definitely lose the "and" though.

Regardless of my habitual tinkering, I loved the image and the humour in this piece.

Live and be well - H

[cogs]

that's a good point, since i'm all about efficiency. i love making the words work for me. you know, i really don't know who wants the rain more, myself or the 'general condition'. i just tried to keep the last phrase together. you're continually helping me, thank you.