Alexmiotti
04-19-2012, 04:16 PM
Here's a story I wrote for one of my calsses! Tell me what you think.
How did he get me to come out here? Sophia fidgeted uncomfortably on the bar stool, a full glass of Jack and Coke staring at her awkwardly. She looked down at her cell phone. Two minutes. Brandon said he was running two minutes late and it had been two minutes. Where was he? Sophia had always hated these kinds of environments. She glanced around the room at the few people who had made their way into the bar. It was only 10pm, but the room was already half full. Three professional looking young men in rolled up sleeves and loosened ties sat at a circular table over to her far right. An empty pitcher accompanied them and their three perspective glasses until the attractive blonde waitress scooped it up and replaced it with a full one. The men all smiled and engaged her in what appeared to be light conversation. The waitress smiled back and with a few words got them all to laugh and take another sip of their beers. Sophia looked at her own drink, which no longer looked intimidating and instead looked lonely. She nervously wrapped her lips around the thin straw and took a sip. The cold liquid burned her throat as it traveled past her tongue and into her stomach. “Getting started without me, huh?” She shifted her eyes to the upper left to see a mess of curly brown hair and two green eyes that were Brandon. He wore jeans, a black v-neck, converse and one of those leather jackets that have a hood on the inside. He grabbed the nearest bar stool and sat down beside her.
“Mmmm!” she smiled through her straw and set the drink on the bar. “Hey dude, what took ya so long?”
Brandon Scoffed, “Jeeze! I’m like 3 minutes late, come on,” Brandon nodded at the bar tender, “‘Scuse me! Gin and tonic please, thanks.”
“Yeah, three extra minutes I had to sit and watch Blondie here whore-it-up with those business douches over there.”
Brandon leaned back in on his stool and made a face, “Right, because I’m sure you went over and talked to them and now know the full extent of their duchiness.”
Sophia gave Brandon a playful shove on the shoulder. “Hey, I thought about it!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t.”
They both laughed. The bar tender placed a small square napkin on the bar in front of Brandon and quickly followed it with a short gin and tonic. Brandon raised his glass, “Cheers!” Sophia picked up her own and gave it a slight twirl.
“And to what are we toasting to?”
“Gah, I hate making toasts, you do it,” Brandon said leaning back in his chair again.
“Fine… Umm, to health and happiness,”
“Cliché, yet classic… Normally I’d have something clever to say about how you could do better, but words escape me and I would prefer the alcohol not to.”
They clinked glasses and both took a sip. Sophia knew she could’ve done better, but she felt lazy and didn’t want to put any effort into a spontaneous benediction right now. However, her perfectionist spirit wouldn’t allow let her leave something that she wasn’t proud of.
“I’m better at wedding toasts,” she said.
“Oh yeah? Prove it,” said Brandon, challenging her with his sideways smile.
“They’re easy. Watch,” Sophia straightened up on her stool and raised her glass again. “Jim,” she said as she nodded at the unseen groom. “I still remember that time you got drunk at your cousin’s birthday and started crying because you thought Lacey,” she glanced at the invisible bride, “was more into your brother than you. And it probably would’ve been a better choice too! I mean he’s like an astrophysicist and you’re what? A high school geography teacher?” She laughed to herself, “But see, that’s the thing about Lacey. She looks past the material things, the flaws, the chips in the paint, to the real truth and goodness of a person.” Sophia looked down and smiled, “I only hope that one day I can find love the way you two have. May you have a long and happy marriage. To the bride and groom!”
“To the bride and groom!” Brandon lifted his glass and took another drink. “Not gonna lie, that was mildly impressive! So just exactly how many weddings have you been in?”
“None! It’s just a trick my speech teacher taught me once; the best wedding toast formula ever: insult the groom, compliment the bride, and wish them a long and happy marriage!”
“So what’s the chance of you actually giving one of these toasts?”
“Uh, like none? I hate talking in front of people!” She said as she took another sip. Brandon followed suit.
“Whatever, you’re good at it.”
“So? I’m good at Math and I hate that too.”
“True, math sucks.”
Sophia watched as Brandon finished his drink and ordered another one. He asked her if she wanted another one as well, but seeing as she was only half way done with her first Jack and Coke, she decided not to.
“Suit yourself!” Brandon said.
“Come on, you know I don’t like drinking that much.” Sophia looked back at her lonely glass of and drew a little frown-y face on its side. “And look, he’s saying, ‘don’t drink me! I have three children!’”
Brandon chuckled, “Hey, I gotta use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” He then hopped off his barstool and casually walked towards the back of the bar where the little white man and little white dressed woman indicated bathrooms. She looked back to her sad small glass and took another sip. The so called “business douches” were still over to the far right laughing and having a good time. They were probably talking about some time they drank too much, or banged some super hot girl no one’s ever met before, or went to some crazy concert and smoked weed with Snoop Dogg in the back before he performed, or maybe they weren’t. One of them was actually pretty cute. He had a silver stripped shirt and charcoal pants on. His thin red tie had been removed and now joined the half empty pitcher on the table. She let herself look at him for a moment longer and thought about whom he might be and where he might be from. He looked so happy. A feeling began growing in Sophia’s stomach, a volatile mixture of disappointment and jealousy that she didn’t have anything like that. But before the thoughts and feelings were allowed to develop any further the man looked up in her direction and smiled. Sophia’s heart jumped into her throat. Her eyes widened and she immediately began sucking down her Jack and Coke.
“Wow! Did I inspire you or something?” Brandon had returned and consequently caught her at the worst moment possible.
“Keep talking,” she said through clenched teeth, lips still engaged and drinking.
“What?” Brandon’s brow furrowed the way it always did when he got confused.
“Keep talking!” She said again slightly louder.
“Umm ok… the bathroom’s nice here…”
Sophia burst out laughing. “Oh you, stop it!” She said as she lightly stroked his arm.
“What are you doing?” Brandon asked mouth still open.
“I’m trying to look fun and flirty!”
This response was met with even more confusion and furrowed brows, “What, I don’t even…”
“A guy looked at me! The one in the silver.” Brandon began to turn his head. “No! Don’t look now! Just order me another drink!”
“Fine… Um… Can you bring my friend here another Jack and Coke please?” He said to the bar tender. “You know this isn’t how you do it, right?”
“What?” Sophia said the word barely penetrating her obnoxiously fake smile.
“You look annoying. Just play it cool. Did he even talk to you?”
“Well, no, but he might be thinking about it.”
“And what are you gonna do if he does?”
“I dunno, listen?”
Brandon hit his forehead with the palm of his hand, “How about talk back?” The bar tender returned with Sophia’s drink and two shots of vodka. Sophia looked at her drink and the two shots.
“I’m not drinking these.” She said as she cringed at the mere thought of drinking the Russians’ evil concoction.
“I know, they’re for me. I ordered them on my way to the bathroom,” Brandon said. He grabbed one in each hand drank them back to back. He then wiped his mouth with the arm of his jacket and sipped the Gin and Tonic the bar tender must have sneakily placed on the bar as Sophia had no recollection of Brandon’s order ever being completed.
“You’re crazy.” She said rolling her eyes.
“Not as crazy as you,” Brandon said setting down his drink and leaning back on the bar stool. “So, are you gonna talk to him or what? He looks harmless enough, but then again I’ve been wrong about other things…”
“No, I’m ok, if he’s really worth talking to; he’ll come talk to me,” It was Brandon’s turn to roll his eyes.
“You say that about everyone. Seriously, when was the last time you met a guy?”
“Come on Brandon…”
“No really! I swear I’m the only real friend you’ve made your four years in college.” Brandon’s drink was sipped once more.
“Hey now! What about Meredith?” Sophia said defensively.
“Meredith?” Brandon replied without a hint of belief. “You mean the girl that won’t shut up every time we watch Game of Thrones together? You called her shallow and immature.”
“So? She reminds me of my childhood.”
“Man, your childhood sucked.”
“Yeah, it kind of did.”
Sophia said this more to herself than to Brandon. Her whole life she had struggled with this. Most of elementary school and junior high was spent in either the library or the computer lab. At least in high school she had randomly met Katrina when they got paired together for a group project. It’s not that she didn’t want to meet people; it was simply that her comfort zone was limited to herself and anything outside of that was extremely distressful. The feeling she got when talking to someone new was so unbearable, she’d rather look stupid and run away than actually have to talk to them. It was as if someone filled her stomach with diet coke and then dropped a whole package of Mentos in it. No, it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t want to go through that tonight, maybe tomorrow, but not tonight and not with the man in the silver shirt. Sophia looked at her drink, still untouched except for by the bar tender. She shifted her gaze to Brandon who was doing something on his phone. “So, what’s your day like tomorrow?”
“That’s your attempt at revitalizing the conversation?” Brandon said, still staring at his phone. Sophia sighed and looked at her drink.
“I’m sorry I’m not outgoing, ok?” She really meant it, to both Brandon and herself.
“Whatever, it’s fine. It’s just I hate seeing you so sad all the time and hearing you talk about people you’ve never met or ever will meet because of how shy you are.” Brandon put his phone back in his pocket. “You’re an amazing friend, but you don’t give people the chance to find that out.”
“You don’t know what it’s like, ok? You don’t know how weird I feel at even the thought of trying to talk to someone.” Sophia apprehensively tried to defend her position.
“No, you don’t know what it’s like. Every day I see you craving to be somebody else. Every day I see you wanting to change, but you never do! You never even try!”
“Brandon, I’m here, I’m trying right now!
“Try harder!”
“I can’t!” Sophia had tears in her eyes. By this time the bar tender had noticed the argument and made a clear decision to clean glasses on the other side of his small fortress. Sophia felt sick. She crossed her arms and looked down at the ground. This was a mistake. She never should have come here. If this was what it would take for her to be able to meet new people she didn’t want any part of it. “You know what? I think I should just go home.” The words came out softly. More like a plea than a defiant declaration. She grabbed her purse and stood up leaving the full glass and Brandon at the bar.
“Freaking A…” Brandon muttered as he leaned back on his stool. But he leaned back too far. Maybe it was the two shots of vodka now making their way through his blood stream. Maybe the frustration of not being able to get her to understand how he felt and how hard it was to watch her be uncomfortable in her own skin gave him a little too much strength to his push. Whatever the reason, Brandon lost his balance. His bar stool tipped over very slowly at first, then all at once, like a dry forest being ignited by a careless teenager.
The crack of his head hitting the floor was deafening. Sophia turned around to see the source of the noise. She immediately dropped her purse and threw herself to his side. “BRANDON!” She screamed. “BRANDON GET UP!” she shook him, but he remained limp. “SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!” She slapped him in a desperate attempt to get some sort of response, but there was no reaction. “Brandon, I know you can hear me all you did was hit your head,” She said, her voice quivering as she choked back tears. She cradled his head in her arms, the warm blood staining the short dress she never wanted to wear. A man came and pushed her aside. She watched as he checked Brandon’s pulse and began performing CPR. She watched as more and more people gathered and the man shouted incomprehensible orders of painful worthlessness. And she watched as the sirens came and stole away the best friend she ever had.
Name: Sophia Hart
Age: 22
General physical description: Brunette, Light Brown, average build, pretty face, 5 foot 6 inches tall,
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Type of home/ neighborhood: Small Apartment in LA
Relationship status: Single
Current family: Mom, Dad, younger brother
Friends: Brandon, a few other friends in other cities at other colleges
Other close relationships: none
Relationship with men: Fearful, cautious, unwilling, nervous
Relationship with women: Friendly, but not outgoing
Job: Receptionist at a law firm
Dress style: Conservative
Religion: Catholic (kinda)
Attitude to religion: do whatever you want
Favorite pastimes: Watching TV and playing video games, reading, making jewelry
Favorite sports: Baseball
Favorite foods: Italian
Strongest positive personality trait: Loyalty
Strongest negative personality trait: shyness
Sense of humor: Sarcastic
Temper: easy
Consideration for others: High
How other people see him/her: Quiet
Opinion of him/herself: Low
Other traits, especially those to be brought out in story: Loneliness, How much she cares
Ambitions: Lawyer
Philosophy of life: Live and Let Live
Most important thing to know about this character: She’s not happy with herself
Will readers like or dislike this character, and why? Like, because she’s relatable and a good person
Personality
Extraversion: 1
Agreeableness: 3
Conscientiousness: 4
Openness to new Experience: 1
Neuroticism: 3
How did he get me to come out here? Sophia fidgeted uncomfortably on the bar stool, a full glass of Jack and Coke staring at her awkwardly. She looked down at her cell phone. Two minutes. Brandon said he was running two minutes late and it had been two minutes. Where was he? Sophia had always hated these kinds of environments. She glanced around the room at the few people who had made their way into the bar. It was only 10pm, but the room was already half full. Three professional looking young men in rolled up sleeves and loosened ties sat at a circular table over to her far right. An empty pitcher accompanied them and their three perspective glasses until the attractive blonde waitress scooped it up and replaced it with a full one. The men all smiled and engaged her in what appeared to be light conversation. The waitress smiled back and with a few words got them all to laugh and take another sip of their beers. Sophia looked at her own drink, which no longer looked intimidating and instead looked lonely. She nervously wrapped her lips around the thin straw and took a sip. The cold liquid burned her throat as it traveled past her tongue and into her stomach. “Getting started without me, huh?” She shifted her eyes to the upper left to see a mess of curly brown hair and two green eyes that were Brandon. He wore jeans, a black v-neck, converse and one of those leather jackets that have a hood on the inside. He grabbed the nearest bar stool and sat down beside her.
“Mmmm!” she smiled through her straw and set the drink on the bar. “Hey dude, what took ya so long?”
Brandon Scoffed, “Jeeze! I’m like 3 minutes late, come on,” Brandon nodded at the bar tender, “‘Scuse me! Gin and tonic please, thanks.”
“Yeah, three extra minutes I had to sit and watch Blondie here whore-it-up with those business douches over there.”
Brandon leaned back in on his stool and made a face, “Right, because I’m sure you went over and talked to them and now know the full extent of their duchiness.”
Sophia gave Brandon a playful shove on the shoulder. “Hey, I thought about it!”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t.”
They both laughed. The bar tender placed a small square napkin on the bar in front of Brandon and quickly followed it with a short gin and tonic. Brandon raised his glass, “Cheers!” Sophia picked up her own and gave it a slight twirl.
“And to what are we toasting to?”
“Gah, I hate making toasts, you do it,” Brandon said leaning back in his chair again.
“Fine… Umm, to health and happiness,”
“Cliché, yet classic… Normally I’d have something clever to say about how you could do better, but words escape me and I would prefer the alcohol not to.”
They clinked glasses and both took a sip. Sophia knew she could’ve done better, but she felt lazy and didn’t want to put any effort into a spontaneous benediction right now. However, her perfectionist spirit wouldn’t allow let her leave something that she wasn’t proud of.
“I’m better at wedding toasts,” she said.
“Oh yeah? Prove it,” said Brandon, challenging her with his sideways smile.
“They’re easy. Watch,” Sophia straightened up on her stool and raised her glass again. “Jim,” she said as she nodded at the unseen groom. “I still remember that time you got drunk at your cousin’s birthday and started crying because you thought Lacey,” she glanced at the invisible bride, “was more into your brother than you. And it probably would’ve been a better choice too! I mean he’s like an astrophysicist and you’re what? A high school geography teacher?” She laughed to herself, “But see, that’s the thing about Lacey. She looks past the material things, the flaws, the chips in the paint, to the real truth and goodness of a person.” Sophia looked down and smiled, “I only hope that one day I can find love the way you two have. May you have a long and happy marriage. To the bride and groom!”
“To the bride and groom!” Brandon lifted his glass and took another drink. “Not gonna lie, that was mildly impressive! So just exactly how many weddings have you been in?”
“None! It’s just a trick my speech teacher taught me once; the best wedding toast formula ever: insult the groom, compliment the bride, and wish them a long and happy marriage!”
“So what’s the chance of you actually giving one of these toasts?”
“Uh, like none? I hate talking in front of people!” She said as she took another sip. Brandon followed suit.
“Whatever, you’re good at it.”
“So? I’m good at Math and I hate that too.”
“True, math sucks.”
Sophia watched as Brandon finished his drink and ordered another one. He asked her if she wanted another one as well, but seeing as she was only half way done with her first Jack and Coke, she decided not to.
“Suit yourself!” Brandon said.
“Come on, you know I don’t like drinking that much.” Sophia looked back at her lonely glass of and drew a little frown-y face on its side. “And look, he’s saying, ‘don’t drink me! I have three children!’”
Brandon chuckled, “Hey, I gotta use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” He then hopped off his barstool and casually walked towards the back of the bar where the little white man and little white dressed woman indicated bathrooms. She looked back to her sad small glass and took another sip. The so called “business douches” were still over to the far right laughing and having a good time. They were probably talking about some time they drank too much, or banged some super hot girl no one’s ever met before, or went to some crazy concert and smoked weed with Snoop Dogg in the back before he performed, or maybe they weren’t. One of them was actually pretty cute. He had a silver stripped shirt and charcoal pants on. His thin red tie had been removed and now joined the half empty pitcher on the table. She let herself look at him for a moment longer and thought about whom he might be and where he might be from. He looked so happy. A feeling began growing in Sophia’s stomach, a volatile mixture of disappointment and jealousy that she didn’t have anything like that. But before the thoughts and feelings were allowed to develop any further the man looked up in her direction and smiled. Sophia’s heart jumped into her throat. Her eyes widened and she immediately began sucking down her Jack and Coke.
“Wow! Did I inspire you or something?” Brandon had returned and consequently caught her at the worst moment possible.
“Keep talking,” she said through clenched teeth, lips still engaged and drinking.
“What?” Brandon’s brow furrowed the way it always did when he got confused.
“Keep talking!” She said again slightly louder.
“Umm ok… the bathroom’s nice here…”
Sophia burst out laughing. “Oh you, stop it!” She said as she lightly stroked his arm.
“What are you doing?” Brandon asked mouth still open.
“I’m trying to look fun and flirty!”
This response was met with even more confusion and furrowed brows, “What, I don’t even…”
“A guy looked at me! The one in the silver.” Brandon began to turn his head. “No! Don’t look now! Just order me another drink!”
“Fine… Um… Can you bring my friend here another Jack and Coke please?” He said to the bar tender. “You know this isn’t how you do it, right?”
“What?” Sophia said the word barely penetrating her obnoxiously fake smile.
“You look annoying. Just play it cool. Did he even talk to you?”
“Well, no, but he might be thinking about it.”
“And what are you gonna do if he does?”
“I dunno, listen?”
Brandon hit his forehead with the palm of his hand, “How about talk back?” The bar tender returned with Sophia’s drink and two shots of vodka. Sophia looked at her drink and the two shots.
“I’m not drinking these.” She said as she cringed at the mere thought of drinking the Russians’ evil concoction.
“I know, they’re for me. I ordered them on my way to the bathroom,” Brandon said. He grabbed one in each hand drank them back to back. He then wiped his mouth with the arm of his jacket and sipped the Gin and Tonic the bar tender must have sneakily placed on the bar as Sophia had no recollection of Brandon’s order ever being completed.
“You’re crazy.” She said rolling her eyes.
“Not as crazy as you,” Brandon said setting down his drink and leaning back on the bar stool. “So, are you gonna talk to him or what? He looks harmless enough, but then again I’ve been wrong about other things…”
“No, I’m ok, if he’s really worth talking to; he’ll come talk to me,” It was Brandon’s turn to roll his eyes.
“You say that about everyone. Seriously, when was the last time you met a guy?”
“Come on Brandon…”
“No really! I swear I’m the only real friend you’ve made your four years in college.” Brandon’s drink was sipped once more.
“Hey now! What about Meredith?” Sophia said defensively.
“Meredith?” Brandon replied without a hint of belief. “You mean the girl that won’t shut up every time we watch Game of Thrones together? You called her shallow and immature.”
“So? She reminds me of my childhood.”
“Man, your childhood sucked.”
“Yeah, it kind of did.”
Sophia said this more to herself than to Brandon. Her whole life she had struggled with this. Most of elementary school and junior high was spent in either the library or the computer lab. At least in high school she had randomly met Katrina when they got paired together for a group project. It’s not that she didn’t want to meet people; it was simply that her comfort zone was limited to herself and anything outside of that was extremely distressful. The feeling she got when talking to someone new was so unbearable, she’d rather look stupid and run away than actually have to talk to them. It was as if someone filled her stomach with diet coke and then dropped a whole package of Mentos in it. No, it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t want to go through that tonight, maybe tomorrow, but not tonight and not with the man in the silver shirt. Sophia looked at her drink, still untouched except for by the bar tender. She shifted her gaze to Brandon who was doing something on his phone. “So, what’s your day like tomorrow?”
“That’s your attempt at revitalizing the conversation?” Brandon said, still staring at his phone. Sophia sighed and looked at her drink.
“I’m sorry I’m not outgoing, ok?” She really meant it, to both Brandon and herself.
“Whatever, it’s fine. It’s just I hate seeing you so sad all the time and hearing you talk about people you’ve never met or ever will meet because of how shy you are.” Brandon put his phone back in his pocket. “You’re an amazing friend, but you don’t give people the chance to find that out.”
“You don’t know what it’s like, ok? You don’t know how weird I feel at even the thought of trying to talk to someone.” Sophia apprehensively tried to defend her position.
“No, you don’t know what it’s like. Every day I see you craving to be somebody else. Every day I see you wanting to change, but you never do! You never even try!”
“Brandon, I’m here, I’m trying right now!
“Try harder!”
“I can’t!” Sophia had tears in her eyes. By this time the bar tender had noticed the argument and made a clear decision to clean glasses on the other side of his small fortress. Sophia felt sick. She crossed her arms and looked down at the ground. This was a mistake. She never should have come here. If this was what it would take for her to be able to meet new people she didn’t want any part of it. “You know what? I think I should just go home.” The words came out softly. More like a plea than a defiant declaration. She grabbed her purse and stood up leaving the full glass and Brandon at the bar.
“Freaking A…” Brandon muttered as he leaned back on his stool. But he leaned back too far. Maybe it was the two shots of vodka now making their way through his blood stream. Maybe the frustration of not being able to get her to understand how he felt and how hard it was to watch her be uncomfortable in her own skin gave him a little too much strength to his push. Whatever the reason, Brandon lost his balance. His bar stool tipped over very slowly at first, then all at once, like a dry forest being ignited by a careless teenager.
The crack of his head hitting the floor was deafening. Sophia turned around to see the source of the noise. She immediately dropped her purse and threw herself to his side. “BRANDON!” She screamed. “BRANDON GET UP!” she shook him, but he remained limp. “SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!” She slapped him in a desperate attempt to get some sort of response, but there was no reaction. “Brandon, I know you can hear me all you did was hit your head,” She said, her voice quivering as she choked back tears. She cradled his head in her arms, the warm blood staining the short dress she never wanted to wear. A man came and pushed her aside. She watched as he checked Brandon’s pulse and began performing CPR. She watched as more and more people gathered and the man shouted incomprehensible orders of painful worthlessness. And she watched as the sirens came and stole away the best friend she ever had.
Name: Sophia Hart
Age: 22
General physical description: Brunette, Light Brown, average build, pretty face, 5 foot 6 inches tall,
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Type of home/ neighborhood: Small Apartment in LA
Relationship status: Single
Current family: Mom, Dad, younger brother
Friends: Brandon, a few other friends in other cities at other colleges
Other close relationships: none
Relationship with men: Fearful, cautious, unwilling, nervous
Relationship with women: Friendly, but not outgoing
Job: Receptionist at a law firm
Dress style: Conservative
Religion: Catholic (kinda)
Attitude to religion: do whatever you want
Favorite pastimes: Watching TV and playing video games, reading, making jewelry
Favorite sports: Baseball
Favorite foods: Italian
Strongest positive personality trait: Loyalty
Strongest negative personality trait: shyness
Sense of humor: Sarcastic
Temper: easy
Consideration for others: High
How other people see him/her: Quiet
Opinion of him/herself: Low
Other traits, especially those to be brought out in story: Loneliness, How much she cares
Ambitions: Lawyer
Philosophy of life: Live and Let Live
Most important thing to know about this character: She’s not happy with herself
Will readers like or dislike this character, and why? Like, because she’s relatable and a good person
Personality
Extraversion: 1
Agreeableness: 3
Conscientiousness: 4
Openness to new Experience: 1
Neuroticism: 3