Cultivated

[cogs]

Out of respect for the fallen black swan
Mimed by me on the floor,
The stunned audience reflected upon
My skilled sock hop, before.
A chuckle of shock and a gasping yawn
Aroused, rather than roars.
My boogie ballet was avant-garde',
Nuveau et au courant,
Disco balanced with practiced pirouets,
My spirit flew and pranced.
Homemade black wings lifted me high above
Savoir-faire crowd, whom toward the doors, shoved.

[miyako73]

I like the energy, the confidence of your subtle humor, and the contrast of high and low- art and movement.

Minor suggestions though:

"mimed by me" is better in active form.

"roars" should be "roared".

The use of "whom" is problematic.

[JamCrackers]

I like this line. 'Homemade black wings lifted me high above'
When I speed read, this line to me has no compression factor.
I'm no poet, but it makes me wonder. Maximum density of essential words.

[Hawkman]

Hi Cogs. There's a nice idea behind this jaunty piece, but it is suffering a little from metrical abberations, some forced rhymes,and a hideous syntactical inversion in the last line.

The opening sets up a nice pattern but it falters a bit in L2. Try this:

"Out of respect for the fallen black swan
that I mimed upon the floor,
The audience, stunned, reflected upon
My skilled sock hop, before."

The next 2 lines don't quite work because you haves switched tenses in one line - "aroused rather than roars."

and "Homemade black wings", over-extends the line and upsets the scansion. better as, "My black wings..." I think.

Like I said, nice idea and some good humerous moments, but it needs a polish.

Live and be well - H

[cogs]

thank you. i was trying to fit within the scheme of ten beats, six beats. the 'aroused, rather than roars' line was the most forced, since i had to fit the idea of the audience chuckling and yawning as being evoked in awe, rather than their usual roar of applause.

lol, my inspiration for this was the movie, 'step brothers' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0838283/). they're so ridiculous while being serious. also, i pictured the inexperienced dancers on 'so you think you can dance'. perhaps believing this poem holds value is as deluded as the subject himself.
:banana: