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CodeVeroby
04-16-2012, 09:35 AM
*Note - Updated!
Source- http://mindvomit.weebly.com/

I began walking through the park, slightly anxious yet somewhat at ease. I try not to think too much. It's just my average walk. Then in my corner-view, I see her. A beautiful piece of work. One that makes your heart drop. I feel anxiety and excitement as I mentally prepare approaching her. I can't take my eyes off her sweet buttocks, bursting out of her black tights. I want it. I want to feel myself inside it.
I can already feel the excuses piling up in my head - "She looks *****y", "She probably won't like me". I feel myself backing off, loosing my focus of her, a momentary gratification. "No!" I decide, "**** it, I'm approaching". My feet start moving towards her, in my mind I already see the entire script. Even before the initial "Hi" I know I'm taking a chance, It feels good.

"Hi there" I said confidently.
The girl turned slowly, her face oddly at ease. The spotlight is on me now.
"Don't worry, I'm not a rapist. I'm not here to kill you" I said with anxiously with a fake smile.
A short pause in the air. "That's good.." she said, blankly.
Relief.
I managed the small talk as usual, "Just be honest and don't show emotions" I kept repeating in my head.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Kasey" she replied, smiling.
"Awesome. My name's Robby. Let's take a walk."

"The way to my house was not very far" I thought. She was not very hesitant either.
We stopped at a small alley halfway through my home, It was oddly romantic as I lit her cigarette and she lit mine. She leaned her back to the empty alley's wall. She was smaller than I thought, about 5'3. I towered my body over her and pinned her to the wall, emphasizing her small stature next to mine. We stayed like this for a minute. We kept each other warm.
"I don't do this with everybody" I gently said.
"You know you don't have to lie right?"
"I.. right"
"Kasey?"
"Yeah?"
"There's something special about the way you smoke" I suggested, intrigued.
She looked unfazed, "What do you mean?".
"You look so calm, so at ease. Yet when you let the smoke out, it's if time slows down, I can't quite put my finger around it. You're also very relaxed right now. Aren't you afraid of me?"
Her eyes looked deep into mine. "What do I have to be afraid of?" she giggled.
I felt somewhat unpleasant, slightly unsatisfied. There was something special about her, she's not your average girl.

Still holding her to the wall. Our faces less than a few centimeters apart, eyes locked, nothing but the sound of cars to fill the silence. I felt drawn to her, her scent is what caught my attention, her lips are what captivated it. I leaned in to kiss her. I felt a slight disappointment as I got the cheek. Never mind, she'll come around.
"Anything else I should know about you?" I asked with my eyebrow raised in diss-contempt.
"You're not going to **** me tonight."
"I.. I.."
"Shhh, don't worry I like you. Let's keep walking"
"Um, yeah. Right. Anyway let's head to my home, I want us to share a glass of wine.".
She nodded accordingly, I smiled.

I felt ambient anxiety as we approached my home, as if I had a task and I knew what to do. My home is a lovely small apartment where I live alone. I smiled as we passed by a closed nightclub where I would usually pull girls to my home for a night of love, I could swear she caught me smile and smiled right back, as-if she read my mind entirely. I'm not used to reacting emotionally to women I find myself attracted to, something about her is off, but in a way I like. It's as-if every single aspect about her, from her smell, to the very way she walks is special.
"I'm kind of a loner" I told her, uncaring of her reaction.
"Me too. I believe a person can only be at peace once he is comfortable with his own company". I was impressed.
I did not know whether she'll actually agree to enter a stranger's house. The arousal eclipsed my anxiety. holding her hand, her lingering smell - a sharp perfume mixed with the gentle aroma of her body. It felt good. We stop at stairs of the humble building. There some tension in the air as we wait for the elevator to reach my floor. A feeling of inevitability that encompasses all of my interactions with the opposite sex. I hold myself from my urges, I wanted to ravage her in the elevator. Here and now. But I trust my instincts to wait, for some reason I want to make this one special.
"This is it, home sweet home". "Home sweet home" she smiled as I opened the door for her, then she stepped right in. "It's game time".

We took our sit on the living room couch, she was unimpressed by my apartment which slightly disappointed me, I opened our bottle of wine, we looked deep into each others eyes as I poured the rosé colored liquid onto our cups. I was having a great time, I knew she was too. I tried getting to know her a bit better, but the tension was just too strong to resist. I looked deep into her eyes again, I felt drawn again, this time more so than before, "close your eyes" I whispered.
My hand gently rubbed the back of her head, I clasped her hair deeply onto my closed fist, and pulled her face towards mine. Her lips felt amazing. She's very tender and receptive, yet at certain points assertive and aggressive. I could not resist such a unique cocktail of animal instincts and feminine caress. I take off her shirt and bra, her breasts were much bigger than I thought, we went to my bedroom and laid next to each other. I started rubbing my crotch against her thin, silky smooth pants. "I want to **** you" I whispered in her ear. "Take your pants off" my voice commanded.
"Take them off yourself". I happily obliged.
I admired her confidence. Her bed skills matched her personality.
The rest is history, I fall in love for the night. It felt good.

Delta40
04-16-2012, 10:07 AM
I'm thinking that your favourite word in the English language is 'slight' It's all the way through the story. I suggest you look for variations of the word because it really sticks out how often you used it ok?

Is English your first language? I only ask because some of the sentences are rather awkward. Such as:

"You look so calm, so at ease. Yet when you let the smoke out, it's if time slows down, I can't quite put my finger around it

"Anything other I should know about you?", I raised my eyebrow in diss-contempt.

Some lines don't actually make grammatical sense and are off centre to the everyday flow of dialogue between two people.

The story itself seems a bit thin, cheap and fast. He's had girls before but nobody as classy as this girl who by all accouts looks like somebody he would like to root and after declaring that he won't kill or rape her, she is willing to walk down a deserted alley and get pinned to a wall and engage in sexual banter before going back to his place where the rest is history. Gee, I simply cannot imagine what the girls he rooted without class were like!

It's difficult to like this character since the story centres entirely around his desire to nail a woman he notices on his walk (which he does without any resistance whatsoever - where is the story?) or get any insight to the nameless girl he conquered.

Apart from a possible twist at the end and I'm only basing this on the title, that he really is a killer/rapist, I think this needs a overhaul where you at least establish the main character within the story.

Good luck

CodeVeroby
04-16-2012, 10:34 AM
Wow, awesome reply, I'll defiantly change some things thanks.
And I'm from Israel so no it's my second language :)

Delta40
04-16-2012, 05:12 PM
If this is going to be some kind of a thriller/suspense story CodeVeroby, then you will need to slow the pace of it. Take your time building the character. Imagine the music they play in those sorts of movies....!

cyberbob
04-16-2012, 09:14 PM
"Don't worry, I'm not a rapist. I'm not here to kill you"

Is this really something you would say to a woman who you've never spoken to before?

Her first thought would be that you are, in fact, a rapist-killer.

CodeVeroby
04-18-2012, 05:39 AM
Actually some of my best same-day-sex approaches started with very similar sentences, it's all about social calibration and intuition it's not a regular line or something lol

DocHeart
04-18-2012, 06:45 AM
Actually some of my best same-day-sex approaches started with very similar sentences, it's all about social calibration and intuition [...]




So *that's* why I can't score these days...