My first bad poem

[taviettu]

Words of the heart


"I wish you were sea

Flow in my heart

Just you can know that

You belong to me

Please give me a tree

I'll turn leaves to kisses

My heart is the sky

And you can freely fly

Or hide in my memory"

That's I want to say

But it's just in my heart

Like water under the sand

You will never understand

Oh! Fly my baby

To find your true love

I'm happy when you're happy.

[cogs]

i liked "I'll turn leaves to kisses". you're missing an 'all' or 'what' in 'that's i want to say'. also, instead of quoting, use the poem to show it's internal. i just now realized the loved one probably loves someone else. i do like this poem's contrast of reality vs. wishes.

[Delta40]

I think you should keep writing and posting. I liked the line that cogs did too. The poetry forum is a place where you will get feedback to help you. Give your poems a specific title - one that reflects the theme rather than My First Bad Poem. It isn't a great poem but it is also clear you've put your heart on the line and nobody loses points for that!

Keep posting Taviettu!

[tailor STATELY]

I loved the simplicity and the emotion of the poem.

Please keep sharing.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[billl]

Sad to hear that what must have been a great streak has come to an end.

;) (I really liked the heart and wet sand part, I should add.)