Upon A Midnight Mist

[ShadowsCool]

Upon A Midnight Mist

I followed you from the heavenly realms
We misted down on a cloud.
When no one saw, upon a pond,
There the water lilies we sat upon.

Above the clouds a picnic we took
You and me misty and free,
Ghost wandering the downy air
Having only each others cares.

In love above certain were we
And this was for eternity.
Two crossings in the night
As phantoms wet on the wild sea.

There upon a midnight mist
We gathered upon immortal bliss,
No body, or moonbeam could ever know
That so heavenly on us glowed.

[ShadowsCool]

Shadows,

Thanks for the poem.

I like the images you present in the poem specifically the following: "We misted down upon a cloud," and "As phantoms wet on the wild sea."

I think you have a very nice idea in this poem, probably something a bit deeper than I've picked up so far, but I did feel like it was a little "choppy" here and there, and the language didn't flow too fluidly. I kind of liked the colon in line 3, but I'm not too sure if it makes sense. Also the word "mistely" in line 6 stumped me, did you mean mistily?

I think you use the word "upon" a little bit too often, I don't want to say haphazardly, but it's distracting and it doesn't add anything in some areas and I think could be replaced. Like I said I really like line 2 and I also like line 13 A LOT. I would consider taking another look at line 3 & 14

Overall I really like what you have going on here. There's a sense of gloom and mystery, but there's also something quite nice going on with these two individuals or entities. I like the idea of the mist, and pond, and the wild sea all of these things containing the element of water. I think you can definitely dig deeper into those areas of the poem and pull out something more fluid.

I hope my opinions offer a tiny bit of assistance.

-Heisenberg

They do, thank you Heisenberg for your lengthy response. I too felt Line 3 was haphazard and will try to address it. Yes, I agree, too many "upon's" are no good. I really got a lot out of your critique, thank you! :thumbsup: