A Seasonal Freedom

[miyako73]

After this frost and chill,
the curse of Summer
will come too soon
in my airy bedroom.

I will be fully naked again
from forehead to toes
for licks, crawls, and bites,
for lizards and red ants.

I will rest motionless
on the old wooden bed
generations of mothers
stained with sour milk.

I will willingly sacrifice
my nipples, my areolae
to the savage gods
of the dying Spring.

As I get hot and sweat,
I will remember the trees,
the tropical breeze of June,
and the loud Tahitian waves.

I will not curl my forefinger
in the bosom of my fist,
nor will I hold my thick thumb
that knows my quick joy.

I will let the monsoon wind
enter through the window
to free my breaths, my gasps
as I convulse and then wither.

I will wait for the sweat to dry,
for the sour milk to sweeten
as it will be my turn to stain
the bed for seasonal birthing.


*I just bought this reproduction oil painting that drove me to write this piece. http://www.overarts.com/figures-decor-art/9384-nude-woman-on-the-beds-reproduction.html

[Hawkman]

There is a lot to like in this poem, miyako. The images are strong and the flow is good. I enjoyed the reflective tone of the piece. There are a couple of word choices you have made which, subjectively, don't quite work for me. In the first verse you say:

"the curse of Summer
will come too soon
in my airy bedroom."

I feel "to" would be preferrable to "in" where syntactically you mean "in to," to makes more sense. I can see how you might have felt that saying "to" might have overloaded the "oo" assonences, but I don't think you need worry too much on this score.

in S3 the bed/red rhyme jars for me, as it reads as a forced rhyme, especially as rhyme is not essential as it is not integral to the structure of the poem. The way the line is worded: "stained with milk and red." makes red a thing in it's own right, rather than a descriptor. It's too specific, though I can perceive your intent here.

The biggest problem with this poem is S6. all the other verses describe what you will do, and this isolates the single instance of something you will not. It is also rather impenetrable as the relevence of thumbs and fingers escapes me. It may have personal meaning for the author but to the reader it's a bit of a digression and I feel the poem would be stronger without it.

You've a typo in S7 L4: wither.

Lastly, in the final verse, I don't see the need to wait for the milk to sour and sweeten. Why sour? Contextually it might make more sense for the milk to sweeten and sour, if you need sour at all.

As a digressive aside, it's always nice to see a work inspired by art but the reference to Tahiti made me think of Gaugin. ;)

Anyway, a highly enjoyable poem - thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[miyako73]

Thanks, Hawk. Very constructive, indeed.

I used "in" instead of "into" because the curse does not enter into the bedroom, but it happens "inside." "Come" relates to longing, not to be explicit.

Thanks again.