PDA

View Full Version : The City Never Sleeps



DieterM
04-02-2012, 06:35 AM
It’s a strange day. A day that tastes of lemon and quinine and short sentences. I don’t know for how long you’ve been standing in front of me, leaning against the kitchen doorframe with your arms crossed, wearing that disgusted expression.

It could be minutes, it could be hours.

The space between us is crammed with repressed things: yells, tears, emotions, old luggage. All of them have become senseless by now. To open the cages feels unnecessary. The last word – still bouncing back in an endless echo loop from the clinically white walls although it has disintegrated some time ago – that last word is “stay”. Four letters. A hiss, a hard strike, a creamy vowel that mocks us.

Who has uttered it? You? Me? Someone on telly? No, the television set is mute. Maybe the fridge that purrs with unwarranted pleasure in your back? Probably not. Fridges don’t talk that much.

And what has been the precise context? Has it been ‘I want you to’ or ‘I cannot’ or ‘you’d better’ or ‘you shouldn’t’?

Context changes everything. Always. Context shapes, moulds, models, transforms, I’m telling myself, vocabulary running through my head like a synonym-program. Gladly, you can’t guess my thoughts. They remain well hidden from your scrutiny, the way they always have. You might believe I’m mulling over that last word. You might think I’m trying to find a meaning to the tell-tale silence that lies between us like a crumbling bridge.

I don’t. I’m thinking context, I’m thinking transformation, I’m thinking control. Without control, maybe I’d just snatch a knife and bury it deep in your warm, soft flesh and finish all this. Or maybe I’d slap you, I’d scream at you. Deep inside, I am screaming right now, I guess; you just can’t hear it.

In fact, all we do is stand there and stare. Stare at each other, waiting for the other one to make a move. Stare so hard that time has stopped in its tracks, so hard that we seem to float in emptiness. Stare so hard that our visions blur. We don’t see each other anymore, as usual. As soon as one of us will look the other way, though, the last bond will be cut. Our stares may be icy, calculating, unblinking, they still link us together. Somehow.

Silence and winter and sightless stares. A purring fridge. Smashed dishes all over the place, even if we know that they are neatly stacked away in the white kitchen cupboards. Screaming and smashed dishes could have made the situation easier to bear. They would’ve been convenient at least. You’re supposed to fight in moments like this, aren’t you?

A car drives by in the street downstairs. A dog barks, its owner shouts. Neighbours breathe, walk around, go on with their lives. A siren wails in the distance. “This city never sleeps,” I remember you saying. Back then, you often reminded me of that Eurythmics-tune. You just couldn’t refrain from touching me; you didn’t even leave your hat on. How often you stripped for me! Back then, everything always ended up in whipped cream and strawberries and one of us licking clean the other’s body. I remember moans, I remember half-closed eyes, I remember trembling, I remember heat.

More. I guess we wanted more. We thought we owed it to each other. We vowed it to each other in bed, anyway, whispering that word into each other’s ear. Sweet pillow talk when passion made us still breathe harder, made us feel as if everything around us was coated in extra intensity. Until, by and by, the word “no” grew and separated. “More” and “no”, a snaky venom. A short, almost insignificant addition that transforms more into no more.

I think of our last discussion, when words still existed. The “no” carried the day.

“Is there someone?” I asked.

“No,” you said.

“Have you met someone,” you wanted to know.

“No,” I answered.

“Does anything still make sense?” we harpooned each other.

I don’t think we came up with an answer to that one. Yet we could sense a “no” clear up the dimness of the unsaid.

We were sitting on the sofa. The same beige sofa that I’d be able to see if I turned my head. We were sitting there, each one in a corner, each one reaching deep inside in order to find a smile we could wear. We were acting the way grown-ups are meant to act. Unheated, impersonal, sensible. Smiling, kind of, and anxious not to smile too hard so as not to smirk. Holding out memories to each other like ritual offerings. Probing each other’s postcard souvenirs in turn. Walking as if on foreign strands. Trying to cloud the crystal clear waters one last time with personal mud of our past. “You remember,” we said, “you remember the time when we used to unzip each other’s body and feast on our hearts? You remember the suns we invented on stormy days? You remember the vermilion moons we glued onto our starless nights? You remember the cane sugar we stirred into our bitter coffee moments? You remember?”

We were wearing our love like a pair of seamless trousers. That evening, sitting on the sofa, we forced ourselves to look at the threadbare piece of cloth routine had left us with. We agreed we wouldn’t fight over who got the custody of that tat. We tacitly admitted we’d spill gasoline over it; the question was who would work the lighter?

No one teaches us how to make it work. Trigonometry, irregular French verbs, the molecular and chemical structure of what surrounds us, yes. We’re able to speak in tongues, we’re able to calculate interest rates, we’re able to comprehend global warming, even able to not give a damn. They give us the means to parry the world. To cope with the unessential.

But how do we build a relationship and make it last? How do we maintain the love between us, that love we all take for granted in the beginning?

Where did we go wrong? Where did we betray each other? You didn’t sleep around, I didn’t sleep around. We were true, in a sense. So can someone please explain how we came to be here, standing amidst this mess, not saying a word anymore because words have so utterly failed us?

“I’ll love you. Forever,” you said. And meant it.

“I’ll love you forever, too,” I said in return. And meant it, too.

Forever ends now. We’ve entered the realm of no more.

I don’t even know what makes me want to scream and be violent. We had it all, we lost it all, by agreement. I think we do agree with splitting up. No scenes, no drama, two strangers who have become lovers who have become strangers again. The cycle of modern life, I guess.

We built a home. We built careers. We built riches on our bank accounts. We built friendships. We built memories. We even built a snowman, once, when we went skiing in Val d’Isère.

We somehow forgot to build a lasting relationship.

We’ll be glad, both of us, when this is over. Yet there’s this nagging feeling that we’ve wasted something precious. If only I could find out what it was. Maybe then, I could soothe my desire to slap faces, to smash things, to break legs, to stab backs. Stay, scream, fridge, remember, love, no more…

Finally, I clear my throat, cut the tie. “I will leave,” I say, and you just nod.

“I hope you understand,” I say, and you nod again even if both of us know you don’t understand. Neither do I.

At last, you look away so as to hide there are no tears in your eyes.

“Goodbye,” I say and routinely, I lean in to be kissed.

But you stay where you are, arms still crossed, and your gaze lingers on the contently purring fridge, and you stand there, white in front of a white background, and you’re already far, far away, and I hear a car blowing its horn outside, that might be, and might not be, my taxi, and a dog barks, and the city never sleeps…


Author's note: I sent this in for the April-round of the Short-Story-Contest but apparently (no: certainly) I don't have the 100 posts required. Thus, I post it here, in case anyone wants to read it anyway…

Hawkman
04-02-2012, 09:12 AM
Actually Dieter, according to the post-count underneath your name on the right you are only two posts shy of 300 - So you should have entered it. I'm glad you didn't in a way, though. If you had, I almost certainly wouldn't have read it, I seldom read the competition threads, and this was definitely worth reading. It is extremely vivid, although I don't think you needed to separate the text with asterixes. It's all happening in one time and place, and the practice of division sort of equates with chapters, or possibly to indicate a jump cut into a different time frame, therefore, I'd be inclined to drop them. I would query the "other" being depicted as leaning against the door frame, and then subsequently being described as having the fridge purring in his back. I suppose it is possible that both could be true, but the picture I had was of someone standing in the doorway and leaning against the door jam. I couldn't see how he would be able to have the fridge in his back at the same time unless the fridge was blocking the doorway :D

To be honest I find very little to criticize in the piece. There are a couple of instances where slightly different wording might ease comprehension for the reader, but there's nothing to really confuse us as it stands.

A very interesting read. Thanks for posting.

Live and be well - H

DieterM
04-03-2012, 11:45 AM
Wow, thank you, Hawk for your really positive and encouraging comment! FYI, I'm not into contests at all (always hated it when I was told to be competitive - one of the reasons I don't like sports is everyone wants to see a winner and a loser at the end of a game wheras I am just interested in playing it). But I said to myself, why the heck not participate, and I wrote this little story in Januray, patiently waiting for the April-round because I was afraid I didn't have enough posts before.

Well, seems I still haven't. I've looked up the rules again, and they state "Only those members with at least 100 posts by each voting period can submit stories for the competition and vote in the polls". So that must mean that they don't look at the total of posts evah, but at how many posts one has been able to do when a voting period closes. And as work has been crazy as of lately (there will elections in this country in three weeks' time, and the normally erratic Frenchies are outright freaky as far as work decisions are concerned, causing an enormous overload due to unpondered decisions; I always get the impression it's a live-or-die question to them...), I didn't even have the time to read, let alone comment anything on here... Sigh...

All this to say I appreciated your feedback, very much so, sir! And I'll think of something for the fridge-thingy (perhaps something along the lines of "the fridge that purrs with unwarranted pleasure in the room behind you").

Best to you

D.

DocHeart
04-03-2012, 12:07 PM
DieterM,

Unlike Hawk, I do read the competition threads. Pity you didn't enter (I'm sure you were eligible), as it would have made casting my vote a lot easier this time around.

I've been going through a phase during which I appreciate narratives with a more convoluted plot. It started when one of our fellow forum dwellers gave me some advice about a story of mine, and I think it's just ended after reading your piece. It was a strong reminder that truly poetic prose need not move fast, nor include dramatic twists and memorable endings. Equal or greater amounts of enjoyment can be found in the way simple words are chosen and placed next to each other, to synaesthetically induce strong sensations and take the reader elsewhere, on a journey to where you want them to be.

Thank you so much for sharing, and good health.

DH

tylerdf
04-04-2012, 02:27 AM
A truly vulnerable rendering of loss.
You seemed to include every feeling swirling around while maintaining a vivid and cinematic frame for the reader to gaze into.
Thanks for sharing. I related to this on a rare level.

DieterM
04-04-2012, 06:20 AM
DocHeart & tylerdf, I don't know what to say! I guess "thank you for your comments" will have to do, even if it doesn't express half my gratitude. I didn't think I'd be able to reach out and touch readers like this. And I'm really glad you liked the story. Strangely enough, it was rather difficult to write even if it is not based on something that really happened to me. Still, the emotions it made bubble up inside me while writing were hard to deal with. I guess it's to do with the universal feeling of loss we all know on some level.

As for the contest, well, suffice it to say it doesn't really bother me (would've liked to win the dough, as who wouldn't?, but if I'm not eligible, what with the "100 post by each voing period"-rule, that's how it is, with no hard feelings included).

Best to you two!

Hawkman
04-04-2012, 09:45 AM
Hi Dieter:

In order to clarrify the competition rules... Unfortunately the wording vis the requisite 100 posts is misleading. The rule is mearly that you have clocked up 100 posts, at least according to the 100 Posts? query thread. You are certainly eligable to have entered. However, now you've posted this particular story you can't submit it in any future competition. Nothing to stop you writing another one and entering the next round though.

Live and be well - H

Steven Hunley
04-06-2012, 06:56 PM
This piece is as dramatic as all get-out. It's chuck full of anguish, regret, and in the end, resignation. Certainly it is of competition quality. Unfortunately, dem's the brakes. I enjoyed it immensely, the word choice is just terrific. We know it won't be the same, but you've mastered the craft, please do so again. Post sumptin' else.

AuntShecky
04-09-2012, 05:24 PM
Sorry this reply is belated, but as is usually the case, your old auntie is being pulled in several different directions all at once. Your work is always worth the time it takes to write a reply.

About this particular story: in a way, the reader feels like she's eavesdropping, and that's a good thing, but the POV seems a little off-putting, with the narrator directly addressing the female(?)--"you"-- in the relationship. Don't get me wrong-- there's no doubting the sincerity and emotions which the characters are feeling, but in a way, the situation and the scenario might be a little too common. One thing literature in general (and fiction in particular) can do is rise above the commonplace, and bring a fresh, unique perspective to experience and the so-called "human condition." This super-ordinary sense of vision is called--I just recently learned--"defamiliarization." The term is similar to another term which I deplore because it sounds so affected--"literariness" (which sounds like a Stephen Cobert joke: "truthiness.")

The idea of "defamiliarization" (and the l-word) is sound, though-- invoke a brand new vision on life in a way that broadens the reader's (and the writer's!) understanding. How many times have you read an extraordinary story in which you said, "Wow! I've never looked at ______(whatever the topic or theme is) like this before!"? That's what we fiction writers should attempt to do; many times we fail, but when we succeed, it's glorious!

So what do I mean by all this^^^^? I'm thinking of a couple of scenes in your work which we've all read and/or seen on tv and in the movies. For instance, this scene, describing the long silences, as in a Ingmar Bergman film:


In fact, all we do is stand there and stare. Stare at each other, waiting for the other one to make a move. Stare so hard that time has stopped in its tracks, so hard that we seem to float in emptiness. Stare so hard that our visions blur. We don’t see each other anymore, as usual. As soon as one of us will look the other way, though, the last bond will be cut. Our stares may be icy, calculating, unblinking, they still link us together. Somehow.

That "somehow" is pretty vague-- a "cop-out"? On the other hand, the last thing we'd want to do is spell everything out, or "tell' rather than "show." Perhaps a more "dramatic" scene showing the estrangement between the members of this couple. Incidentally, are they married? For how long? Are they "young" relatively newlyweds or middle-aged folks suddenly feeling the relationship's gone stale?




I think of our last discussion, when words still existed. The “no” carried the day.

“Is there someone?” I asked.

“No,” you said.

“Have you met someone,” you wanted to know.

“No,” I answered.

“Does anything still make sense?” we harpooned each other.

I don’t think we came up with an answer to that one. Yet we could sense a “no” clear up the dimness of the unsaid.

The dialogue is rank with clichés, including the "anything make sense" question, which is also very vague. As well as over-familiar.


How could this story become better, i.e. less "familiar"? Some suggestions:
Distill or condense this piece. Some kind of situation or object would make it less "vague," less general, less abstract. (Your title and a line in your story that echoes the idea of the city that never sleeps could be such an "objective correlative," but this story doesn't really develop it enough.

Also, re-create the characters who've never existed before, yet at the same time could plausibly exist in our realm. They don't need lengthy descriptions of the shape of their noses or the cut of their clothes (unless that info contributes to the plot or theme.) What they do need to be is unique. Give them names. When they speak, the dialogue should sound "natural," but at the same time, we don't need word-for-word, with every throat clearing or stammer (unless, again, it's necessary as part of the characteristization, plot, or theme.) In short, make them come alive.

Give this one another go. Okay?

Auntie

DieterM
04-12-2012, 03:03 AM
A heart-felt thank you again to all of you who read and commented on this piece. It's fascinating to see that different readers discover different stories and react differently. That's what makes this forum so great to anyone who writes and/or reads.

As to your long reply, dear Auntie, I heard you, no doubt. I don't want to defend my own story as, in my eyes, it's not the author's role to point out why a story is rubbish or a masterpiece. My overall impression when having gone through your comment was that you'd like to read an entirely different story (but here again, I could be wrong). The way I wrote my piece, I did ask myself some of the questions (especially concerning the "details") you pointed out in your comment. I'm still not sure I found the answer, but I guess my final choice when I sat down and started to write was clear. As the story stands, do we need to know whether it happens in Alberta, or Paris, or Singapore? Do we need to know if the two persons we read about are John and Patricia, Benoît and François, Karin and Susanne? Does the particular shape of a nose, the hair colour, the perfume they wear change anything to the essence? I opted for a certain "distance", an almost impersonal, clinical point of view (the kitchen's white, the sofa's beige, emotions remain vague, sometimes chlichéd because the narrator doesn't dare ask himself deeper questions for fear of stumbling upon some disturbing truths about himself, dialogues are written in a way that no one would use in real life – almost poetical, I'd say) in order to achieve a tone, an atmosphere, a feel. This "scheme" seems to have touched several of the readers who left a comment; it has obviously failed with you. For which I as the writer have to accept the entire responsability.

Now do I want to give this another go, as you suggested? Certainly I will. Eventually. When I will feel the need to write that "other" story you would have liked to read instead of this one. I rather do like this one so I guess it will stay the way it is. And will have a twin "brother"/"sister" (what's the gender of stories btw?) when that need to write it down will have bubbled up inside me. For the time being, I just want to point out I'm always happy to see you (all of you btw) take so much time to read a story, mull over it and are willing to share what you think of it.

AuntShecky
04-12-2012, 04:17 PM
What I meant, in a nutshell, was write a story that's never been written before, in a way that brings an entirely new insight into the world.

We DON'T need to know --as we often read in other stories(not yours)--detailed descriptions of the character's nose or shade of eyes or sylte of dress-- but we DO need to know what makes him or her unique-- and unique in the way that it bears upon the story. By this I mean, make
the character live and breathe. Less "clinical," less common, less detached.