Death On Your Doorstep

[smerdyakov]

Death, man. Death.
He’s at the doorstep,
put the key in the door he has,
now he’s coming up the stairs, man.
Do you not hear the creaking floorboards?….
the first few steps creak,
but he doesn’t know to walk
on the outside ones like you do,
he just walks up the middle, death.
Doesn’t know everything, does he?

Then there’s silence and he’s on the landing
but he dithers for a second, noiselessly,
like all the times you dithered man,
like your whole fu<ken life in other words.
His head turns uncertainly,
but he knows, he knows man.
and he walks towards your door.
He knows you’re in there.
The door handle man.
You can’t see it move,
but you hear rusty springs in the dark,
you feel death's weight on your mattress.
“Well,” he says…

[Delta40]

I'm having a little trouble with the really long lines in the piece and wonder why you haven't just broken them up like the others. There's a certain amount of suspense here and I especially liked:

but he dithers for a second, noiselessly,
like all the times you dithered man,
like your whole fu<ken life in other words

I think you could do more with line: but you hear the springs in the dark because I think that could be a standout line of the piece. I mean, death sitting on your bed? Fantastic but the lines after don't do it justice.

Good to read you again Smerdy.

[smerdyakov]

Thanks Delts. I took your advice and broke it up into smaller lines. Glad you enjoyed it. All the best.

:)

[Delta40]

I'm still thinking of the standout line though. Hearing the springs in the dark is one thing. What about feeling death's weight on the mattress at the end of the bed? Just a suggestion!

[smerdyakov]

Got it now Delts. Cheers :). Hope it sounds better. Good on ya mate :)

[Buh4Bee]

Better my friend. I have been watching the two of you go through the editing process together. But Delta has to give you the thumbs up.

[Delta40]

Better my friend. I have been watching the two of you go through the editing process together. But Delta has to give you the thumbs up.

lol. Where is Hillwalker when you need him?

[Buh4Bee]

He's flown the coop for more gracious pastures, I mean posters!

[smerdyakov]

Delta has helped us make this poem much better. Big up for the Delts! :hurray:

Thanks B for the nice comments. Fair play to you B pal, you always have nice things to say about my little efforts I share on here. :thumbs_up

:)

[smerdyakov]

http://www.infoocean.info/avatar2.jpgI took your advice and broke it up into smaller lines. Glad you enjoyed it. All the best.

Most helpful it is, repeating back what I said to another poster. Unusual sort of behaviour as well. haha

[Delta40]

Bizarre!

[Hawkman]

This is definitely a good read, and a skillful blend of drama humour and suspense. However, I do think the stylistic, "man" is a bit over used. I know it's idiomatic, but in all honesty I don't think it hleps the piece. the first one is fine, but you could cut all the other uses with no ill effects to the poem, and subjectively I think it would be improved. The other bit i'm not too keen on is:

"like all the times you dithered man,
like your whole fu<ken life in other words."

apart from the, "man" I don't feel the repetition of "like is necessary aand the the expletive feels superfluous to me. cutting, "man, like and fu<ken" would make it smoother, and to me at least, a more agreable read.

Apart from that I really liked it. It builds nicely and the imagery is strong and the lines witty and playful.

Best

H

[smerdyakov]

Thanks Hawkman. Glad u liked it. I'll have a tinker with it maybe, take out a "man" or two, man. :)

Cheers.