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acrid
03-27-2012, 11:57 AM
Give little feedback guys.



He came out with the heater in his hands.He was not a thinker, but a visionary, not of those who see the future, but of those who steal ideas and diffract them through their own beliefs and understandings, often putting the focus on himself. Another difference was in the passing flirt with every dream, that always in time becomes limited and is replaced with another one. The beauty was in the fact that just before the climax he understood the absurdity of his thinking and forever renounced it. Not long after, however, absurdity was replaced with a new one , which blinded him with glittering allure of its uniqueness and feasibility. And so on to infinity.
While walking toward the apartment he thought of an lately obsession Multiple times he shunt back and forth across his place, waving hands, unconsciously whispering, but always quiet enough not to be heard, the plan for success. It was a wonderful picture to watch. Picture a man going constantly to the terrace from the living room, stopping every time a few meters from her fearing to be seen, but every time through the hallway glancing contentedly in the mirror.
"And then will jump three fences .... and we all will marry her."

Tanukioh
03-27-2012, 10:59 PM
Actually I quite like this intro. It's fairly gripping and brings to mind the idea of an absent minded tinkerer in love; shy not only of the girl of his affections, but perhaps of finishing what he starts.

My only issue is that sometimes the words seem a little jumbled (perhaps adding to my interpretation of the unnamed visionary being absent minded) and that makes it a little hard to understand what precisely is going on.

Charles Darnay
03-27-2012, 11:22 PM
I would get rid of the 2nd and 3rd sentences - you don't need them - and rework some of the language issues.