A Darker Future

[iwontlie]

Before I begin this story I'm going to go over a little introduction (if you want to skip this, then start reading below the line).

I'm young (I won't reveal my age here, as it may change the way others think about me - for the worst), and I've realised my writing doesn't match up to nearly half as superb as the stories of others that I have read on here.

Another thing is I am beginning to forget most of the words housed in my vocab, I think it could be the stage I am going through (I know, I did infer my age at this point but it doesn't matter).

I'm a bit embarrassed about posting my little story here and I'm sure there are many mistakes (I have googled to see if they were correct, but couldn't find any results relevant). Alright, here goes.

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The future holds a brighter time is what many say, but they are wrong. The world standing in front of them is a dystopian wasteland; buildings destroyed, bricks crumbling off them, flames still flickering from the recent bombings. The air made unbreathable by the toxic fumes still flowing from the fragments of the bomb shells left around.

It wasn’t a surprise; everyone knew that soon technology will get the better of us. This is a darker future.


John held his daughter, Alice, close to him. He looked at her face, admired it and brushed off a few pieces of dirt.
“I’m going now, remember where to hide”, John whispered to his daughter, she replied with a nod. He stood up and walked to what used to be a properly functioning door, he paused and turned back to his daughter, “Bye”, he winked to his daughter then pushed the door open.
The sun glared into John’s eye as he walked down the pathway, gravel crunching under his boots, he squinted and shaded his eyes from the sun. He would now have to hunt for food and look for water, unfortunately the lakes nearby are contaminated from the debris that pollutes them. He looked down at the ground and slid his hand into a tiny opening in the gravel, he grabbed firmly and pulled up at the cleverly camouflaged hatch, it revealed a hidden underground tunnel, if he travelled through this route he would be able to hide from gangs that patrolled the surface. He jumped down through the hatch and closed it.
He reached into his pocket for a lighter, and then took out one of modern’s marvel, an everlasting candle, he lit the candle and returned his lighter. His long search for food and water began, yet again.


***
John had travelled to the end of the underground tunnel, he pushed up at the hatch that was above him, streaks of light peered through the tiny apertures. He pulled himself up through the hole, this was not yet the end of his journey. He hid himself in the bushes then began to survey his surroundings, thousands of bandits were scattered amongst the ground, patrolling back and forth.
“Oh god” he thought, “The damned gangs have expanded their patrol regions”, suddenly he felt a sharp jab in his spine, he fell to the ground, writhing in agony, he rolled over to investigate what had attacked him.
A tall bandit with a muscular build towered over him, “Hey fellas’ looky what we ‘ave here!”, his voice boomed, his leg rested on John’s chest restricting proper breathing. John could only stare in horror as bandits everywhere stopped and stared, other bandits rained down from their secret stations hidden high above ground level.
They crowded around him wielding an assortment of weapons, bandanas tied around their head. The crowd dispersed and made way for a singular being who was likely to be the superior, the man made his way down, he wore a vest that was covered in blood and decorated with small reptilian skulls. His hair was messy and overgrown, he stood tall and proud wielding a katana, a gold plated dragon was adorned into the handle of it. He motioned to the tall bandit; the tall bandit took a step back. The ‘superior’ stared down at John.
“Aye, the perfect time, we were looking for a new recruit!” he bellowed, “Out of curiosity, what brought you around ‘ere? Food, water, yes?”.
John remained silent.
“The silent type, huh? Welp, lucky we got some tuff’ fellows ‘round here that can pry open mouths”, he paused,
“The name’s Sharpy, I ain’t the boss ‘round here, just filling in for me real boss for a little bit, he’ll be wanting recruits, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be keeping you alive – Are ‘ya gonna talk or not?”, he paused again, this time waiting for a reply,
“Fine, ‘ave your way, ya little stubborn ratbag”, he signaled to the tall bandit who stepped forward,
“This guy here is called Rhino, wanna guess why?” he chuckled along with the crowd at that sentence,
“So anyway, onto topic, are ya gonna talk or not?”, there was a long pause.
“Let me go”, John’s voice broke the silence. Sharpy let out a long sigh, he leaned forward.
“Fellas’ like ya with that type of attitude normally get their bowels cut out and presented to them, remind ya’ of anyone?”
John stood up, his hands still free and clenched, he punched Sharpy.
“Let me go” John remained persistent, Sharpy’s anger was visible at this statement, Sharpy took a step forward and held his sword close to John’s neck,
“Don’t ya even gulp” he whispered,
Rhino stepped up from behind and held John, rooting him to the ground.
“Now, for the fun part”, Sharpy’s hand drew back, about to strike. “Oh god” John thought surprised and shocked, his fists clenched, his life flashed before him, bringing back old memories, his wife’s death, Alice’s birth.
“Alice…oh, Alice, oh god, oh god…”.
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I didn't bother with the indents, they weren't versatile and user-friendly enough. I didn't want to waste too much time on indents.

[Delta40]

Welcome to lit-net iwontlie. First thing - Never preface your work! Your lack of confidence in your own writing is apparent in the introduction and almost acts as an apology. It doesn't give the reader much expectation in terms of what they are about to read so do yourself a favour and never do it again! (A friend told me: fake it till you make it!)

I guess my main issue with this story is that we don't really get to know anything about John until - John thought surprised and shocked, his fists clenched, his life flashed before him, bringing back old memories, his wife’s death, Alice’s birth.
“Alice…oh, Alice, oh god, oh god…”.

Until that point, he really is just someone in an environment, scrabbling around for some reason till he is captured by some rough talking baddies. As a reader, I have no reason to connect with him in any way.

Your endless use of commas was a bit distracting too. Many of them should have been fullstops but I also realised had you used them, the story would have had countless short, abrupt sentences. So take a little more care with punctuation.

It is difficult to write a story where the N shows the reader rather than tells them what is happening but one way of blending the report-style chain of events you wrote here would be to break them up with scenes from the old memories which you refer to at the end. So while he is out in the harsh dark world, he recalls happier days with his wife and child, including dialogue. Then you can shift back to the present and so on. That way the reader not only gets a sharp contrast between the then and now but also an insight into the character and a degree of empathy for him when he is captured (everyone wants to cheer for the good guy!)

I hope this helps and best wishes.

[iwontlie]

Welcome to lit-net iwontlie. First thing - Never preface your work! Your lack of confidence in your own writing is apparent in the introduction and almost acts as an apology. It doesn't give the reader much expectation in terms of what they are about to read so do yourself a favour and never do it again! (A friend told me: fake it till you make it!)

I guess my main issue with this story is that we don't really get to know anything about John until - John thought surprised and shocked, his fists clenched, his life flashed before him, bringing back old memories, his wife’s death, Alice’s birth.
“Alice…oh, Alice, oh god, oh god…”.

Until that point, he really is just someone in an environment, scrabbling around for some reason till he is captured by some rough talking baddies. As a reader, I have no reason to connect with him in any way.

Your endless use of commas was a bit distracting too. Many of them should have been fullstops but I also realised had you used them, the story would have had countless short, abrupt sentences. So take a little more care with punctuation.

It is difficult to write a story where the N shows the reader rather than tells them what is happening but one way of blending the report-style chain of events you wrote here would be to break them up with scenes from the old memories which you refer to at the end. So while he is out in the harsh dark world, he recalls happier days with his wife and child, including dialogue. Then you can shift back to the present and so on. That way the reader not only gets a sharp contrast between the then and now but also an insight into the character and a degree of empathy for him when he is captured (everyone wants to cheer for the good guy!)

I hope this helps and best wishes.

Thanks, in future stories I will take all of what you said into consideration.