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Moonbear
03-18-2012, 10:23 PM
Sail Away
By Michael Hails
The sterile white walls were not decorated so much as smothered. Cards of every shape and size covered the wall by the bed. Little construction paper masterpieces marked with even smaller hand prints left by hands dipped in paint. Each claiming that they wished he would get well soon. The opposite wall had a double paned window that showed the grounds of the hospital. Street lights were just starting to come on outside as the sun had begun to set. Taped all around the window were world maps and a large one of the United States. Every map had pins pushed through them to mark where he had travelled.

“It’s time for your meds, Mr. Henderson,” said the cheerful nurse.

Mr. Henderson attempted and failed to push himself up enough so that the nurse wouldn’t have to pour the water into his mouth for him.

The nurse pushed a large multi-tiered cart into the room that was covered in little white cups with little colorful pills in them. “More cards came for you from the elementary school today. Those kids must really love you.” She reached for the four cards on the second shelf to add to his menagerie. “Oh,” she paused as her fingers found a plain white envelope that was hidden among the children’s cards. “This one here isn’t from the school.” She walked over and handed him the envelope which bore his name written neatly in the middle. It was missing a return address.

Mr. Henderson moved his gnarled fingers to open the envelope. His fingers slipped. The envelope landed on his chest. He lay back, letting his head rest on the pillow.

“Here let me get that for you, Mr. Henderson.” The nurse walked over, lifted the envelope from his chest, and deftly opened it. “It has a sailboat in the middle of a big blue ocean on it, Mr. Henderson. It says ‘I hope you sail the seven seas on your seventieth birthday. Love, Judy.’

Mr. Henderson turned his head to see his wall of maps. “I already have,” he mumbled to himself.

“Oh,” the nurse continued, “I didn’t realize it was your birthday, Mr. Henderson. Happy Birthday.”

“It’s not my birthday,” he said loud enough for her to hear then lost the struggle to keep his eyes open.

“It’s not? That’s right your birthday was a few months ago. It is addressed to you though. Maybe it was lost in the mail and finally found its way here.” The nurse set the card on the nightstand beside him and went to get Mr. Henderson’s medication ready for him. “Do you know a ‘Judy,’ Mr. Henderson?”

If he knew a Judy, she was lost in the haze. The nurse walked over to give him his medication. The nurse delicately touched his shoulder and reached over to feel for a pulse on his neck. She rushed to the phone on the wall and called a Code Blue.

Moonbear
03-19-2012, 03:47 AM
The Breaking Point
By Michael Hails
“Scream and I’ll slit his throat.” The greasy man pulled David’s head back by his hair and pressed the knife against his throat.

My right arm was pinned behind my back and the left was held by a man in front of me. His breath was putrid and with the acrid stench of his stale sweat. He smiled, revealing brown, rot-filled teeth. He held my hand palm up and grabbed my index finger. His smile widened as he slowly began to bend it downward. He reached the point where the joints and knuckles started to protest and stopped. He had reached the breaking point. He relaxed it for a second before he pulled down with great force, shattering the knuckle.

I felt the scream starting to come up. My throat and chest tingled with the need to let it out, but my need to suppress it won out. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as the now useless finger was released. My capture slowly wrapped his hand around my middle finger and playfully started to yank it downward. He then repeated this action with my ring finger and my pinky finger. He continued this little game from finger to finger, smiling as he went. I looked away from what he was doing and my eyes met David’s. A feeling of calm came over me, though my body still shook from the pain. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop what was coming. My eyes widened and watered all over again, but they never left David’s as my captor gave my pinky a wrenching tug. The joint popped and the tendons tore, but I refused to make a sound. My nostrils flared as I struggled to breathe through the growing knot in my throat. My mind kept telling me to turn it inward to fight it back hard, to distance myself from what was happening. I could feel the knuckles starting to swell with blood.

“This is getting’ borin’,” the man breathed into my face. “Let’s switch which one of these boys (edited for site) we gonna play wit’.”


I looked again into David’s eyes, now wide and filled with even more fear then it had a moment ago. Without giving it a second thought, I placed my middle finger into my assailant’s hand. My eyes left David’s as I looked into those of this soiled being.

“Whoa ho, boys. He’s beggin’ for more.” I looked back at David, whose face was now marked by the two trails of tears. His shook his head slightly as more tears raced down the tracks left by the others. I could do this for him, my savior. I would bare this pain and more.

He didn’t wait or play this time. With one powerful pull he broke this finger as well.

“Yah only got one left. What’ll it be?” My teeth were clenched so hard I thought they would shatter and my lips were pressed into a tight line. My hand shook as I placed my last unmolested finger into his open hand. I looked back to David whose face had turned red with suppressed sobs. I barely felt it this time as he destroyed the joints in my ring finger.
With my last finger broken on that hand, he released it to drop useless by my side. It started to throb as the blood rushed down my arm. Smelly turned his attention to David. I struggled against my captor and managed to slip my hand free. I staggered two steps towards the man who was advancing on David.

“Jim. Watch out,” my failed warden yelled.

He turned with his fists raised to defend himself. I took one more staggering step before my knees hit the floor and my head fell to my chest. I slowly raised my right hand and offered it to him palm up.

“What the heck’s (edit) wrong with you? You gettin’ off on this crap (edit), or somethin’” I brought my eyes up to meet his face. Without a word I pushed my hand a little closer to him. My eyes blazed with anger and pain, but no longer did they carry a hint of fear.

Judith57
03-19-2012, 05:40 AM
good story,go on...http://www.infoocean.info/avatar2.jpg

Moonbear
03-19-2012, 12:12 PM
They are flash fiction. The Breaking Point needs some work yet. I was cracking my knuckles and it popped into my head. Not sure I am totally happy with the ending.

AuntShecky
03-19-2012, 03:12 PM
"Sail Away":

--The four sentences opening the story could be more effective if they were
consolidated.


"It's time for your meds," said the cheerful nurse.
This sentence would be less mundane with a different verb, one that would express both "said" and "cheerful."

--Why does the nurse have to describe and read the card to the patient?
We know he's not blind, as the next sentence says that he can see the map on the wall.

That's an example of "telling" not "showing" as is the business about his birthday.

The ending neither shows nor tells enough. This reader is confused about her calling a "Code Blue," since the patient is not only conscious but also talking, more or less coherently.

"The Breaking Point"

Maybe I've seen too many mediocre tv shows and so-called "action" movies, but this story seems derivative. I've already sat through this movie. I'm afraid that I don't see anything new or unique about this scene.

When used sparingly, short stacccato sentences can provide a sense of rhythm and underscore fast-paced action scenes. But this entire piece seems to consist in long stretches of simple declarative sentences which frankly become monotonous.

Avoid pretentious "overwriting":

"My eyes left David's as I looked into those of this soiled being."

Let the reader come to his or her own conclusions. Don't try to manipulate our reaction by "telling" too much:

My eyes blazed with anger and pain, but no longer did they carry a hint of fear.

Sorry for the negative criticism, but I wouldn't bother offering it to you if I didn't think you were capable of writing something really good. So please take this with a grain of salt and also as a challenge to try again with something else.

Moonbear
03-19-2012, 06:21 PM
Thanks AuntShecky. You brought up a lot of good points. People at college would only say things like,"It was good," and not give any real feedback. It's about time I hear some honesty. I kind of felt the same about the breaking point but I just needed a different perspective.

I wouldn't call it negative criticism, so much as constructive criticism. I will get started on those changes. I actually have a totally different second half of sail away in mind and I will keep your advice in mind while making my edits to both.

AuntShecky
03-20-2012, 04:06 PM
This was one of the most gracious replies I've ever received for a critique. This could
be an example of how to respond to criticism. Thank you so much, and good luck with
your writing.