Balance

[Delta40]

1.00am
and the ashtray is full.
You want more from me
but I'm not ready
to unlock or unpack.
Can we get together on Sunday then?
Sure.
I'll scrub away filth and grime
dangle knickers from the washing line.
Dig my way around
scapes of dry sandy ground.
I should unearth
some relevant key by then.

[Hawkman]

Last line lets this down, Delta. It feels weak to me. Not keen on the format, but that's an entirely subjective response as I just don't like concrete poetry. Good assonance, discreet use of rhyme and it flows and reads well.

Live long and prosper - h

[Delta40]

That's ok Hawk. What do you mean by concrete poetry?

[Hawkman]

Technically I think it's a term which is supposed to refer to poems which have been arranged into a shape, but generally it's applied to the centre justification. Personally I find it distracting but there are plenty of people who don't :D

[Delta40]

Oh. I thought perhaps you meant the poem itself was simply literal and lacked undertones.

[Hawkman]

Definitely not. The poem contains sufficient metaphore and flows beautifully as I remarked in my earlier post. I like the wordplay.

LLAP - H

[Bar22do]

not only undertones, but allusions here! well done! and - take your time to unlock! pleasure to read, but I too would prefer it aligned to left.

[Delta40]

Done!