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Lokasenna
03-10-2012, 08:12 AM
I'm not very good at writing short stories - my hardrive is littered with over a dozen started short stories that always seem to stretch and develop into novella territory, and I end up abandoning them. The idea for this story popped into my head after a Borges binge, and I set myself the task of writing it in the most contained way possible.

As I have said, this is my first completed short story, and therefore probably not very good. Feedback and constructive criticism would thus be extremely welcome!


Jonathan Rosenberg

The disappearance of Jonathan Rosenberg eighteen months ago occasioned little comment in the media. He had been in the first year of his degree, enrolled at a small, provincial university of decidedly average reputation; as I understand the situation, his absences from class slowly grew until he ceased to appear altogether. This lead to a search of his room by university authorities, who found it ordered but empty, with no trace of the boy to be found and no indication of his whereabouts.

Had Jonathan been intelligent, popular or even slightly photogenic, all of which he was not, then perhaps the affair would have made some impact on the press. As it was, there was little interest in it as a story, and the half-hearted campaign to find him turned up nothing.

When it became evident that Jonathan was not going to return, his personal effects were sent to his mother, his only living relative, and who, as far as I am aware, never unpacked or examined them. She died a short while ago, and I, a distant relative of her late husband through marriage, and the closest surviving familial tie, became the sole inheritor of her meagre estate.

I had only met Jonathan once, many years ago, and, if I may be candid, my impression of him was one of supreme indifference. He was a dull, plain child of adequate faculties, though entirely without creative sparkle or a capacity for original thought. I will admit that I did not relish the thought of being the first to go through his final possessions, when even his own mother would not countenance doing so. But death has that effect on us – it binds the living in unfortunate obligation.

The collection was largely much as one would expect of such a child. There was a large collection of drab clothing (mostly unwashed), some cheap stationary, a handful of books (mostly coursebooks, though a few cheap paperbacks of the airport lounge variety), an elderly laptop that I have as yet been unable to coax to life, an unopened packet of condoms (bought, I suspect, more in hope than expectation), a small assortment of uninteresting DVDs, and his notebook.

It is this last object that is the cause of my present inquiry. I do not know what impelled me to open it; perhaps I hoped to find a suicide note, or something similar, though it would have surprised me if the police had neglected to check in so obvious a place. Only around half of the A5 pad had been filled, and that with dry and uninteresting notes from lectures and seminars. It was the final few pages that caught my attention, being as they were of a highly unusual persuasion. The writing is confused and in places near-illegible in style, but I have arranged it to the best of my abilities. Such ramblings would not, ordinarily, merit my interest, but so unlikely do they seem given the mediocrity of their author (I do not doubt that they are in his hand), that I am sufficiently curious to pursue the matter. I know little of the subjects to which he alludes, and would welcome any advice or enlightenment concerning them:



The roaring wind, the solemn hour and the keen edge of swords are but aspects of eternity, and they are not too great for my senses. I contain myself, and that is enough.

Credo in un Dio crudel, che m’ha creato simile a sé, e che nell’ira io nomo. Or so I’m told.

The difficulty of self-description is the inimical lack of knowledge. To dissect is to murder.

I moved to say ‘I realise the truth,’ but stopped myself in time. I cannot realise the truth, because truth is an abstraction. To realise is to render something real, and the truth could not survive that. Abstraction circumscribes the real world, but they move in separate spheres.

I occur (truly?) at the point where the Spiritus Sanctus and the Anima Mundi collide. They are separate? For the collision is the eternal destruction, from which is born the matter of the physical (and spiritual?) universe, and which can crudely be called creation. Our state (my state?) is one of perpetual flux. The slow dissolving firmament that dissolves into itself.

I think. I think that. I think that Heaven is an old wives’ tale.

Should it surprise that my fixation becomes the fixed point of the universe? For that which is a fixation is fixed, and it follows that all must orbit around it.

I am Christ or I am Anti-Christ, but I know not which. I have the victory and the defeat, the joy and the sorrow. What I lack is definition. How could I be self-aware? That I am not is proof that I am.

I am the rising moon, I am the taker of wealth, I am the companion of the witch-child, I am the bane of the summer storm, I am the guardian corpse, I swallow the sky. What am I, other than this?

The double-helix is that which binds humanity. I am the scion of the perfect chain.

Foolish is he who travels hence into this dark night alone. Fire is raging, earth is opening, stone and water burn. Run, run.

There is a common misconception that order is the opposing force of chaos. Foolish, really. It is poetry, and poetry alone, that repels disorder.

The Crown may be at the head, and may rule over Wisdom and Understanding. But is it not obscene and fitting that we dangle Kingship on the genitals of God? Not made in His image, but fashioned into it.

The daffodils are pretty this year.

Thought is an attribute of the world, which is to say that the world is a thinking thing. Extension is an attribute of the world, which is to say that the world is an extended thing. Strange, pondering Baruch, you were almost right. I do not believe in your God, but I do believe in you.

Tanta eo tempore pax in Britannia fuisse perhibetur, ut, sicut usque hodie in proverbio dicitur, etiamsi mulier una cum recens nato parvulo vellet totam perambulare insulam a mari ad mare, nullo se laedente valeret. But there is danger in that, for she will lack experience. Old man, in your old walls, alive only in thought.

Insanity is all around us, for it is only through mad eyes we see. The artificial makeup of the world is, in three parts, knowledge, authority, and fury. What I've dared, I've willed; and what I've willed, I'll do! They think me mad - Starbuck does; but I'm demoniac, I am madness maddened! That wild madness that's only calm to comprehend itself! It is something understood.

What rekketh me of youre auctoritees? Dead lines in dead languages in dead books. Enough, no more. The readiness is all. I will defy, defy, defy. What augurs is silence. The rest is.

Jack of Hearts
03-10-2012, 09:43 AM
Who wasn't taking those kinds of notes freshman year?

Anyways 'Senna 'twas a fine first stab, admittedly a little wordy but we give you charity because... on the basis of seeing your other posts, you just seem like a wordy guy. Maybe it's bad to look for context of the piece in the author. Whatever, everyone throw a rotten egg at Jack of Hearts. The idea that to narrator Jonathan seems boring/unremarkable contrasted with the journal as the reader is shown really gives this piece most of its weight.

Keep 'em comin' 'Senna.






J

Lokasenna
03-10-2012, 03:27 PM
Thanks Jack - I really appreciate such honest and supportive commentary. As for the verbosity, I suppose that is a part of me - but I was trying to convey the character of the narrator solely through the medium of their language. I had a very specific image of them in my mind, I was hoping that would come across.

cafolini
03-10-2012, 04:28 PM
I disagree with your conclusion, but very little with the observations and the ways you show them. I think it is a lot more meaningful than a first story. Loved it.

Jack of Hearts
03-10-2012, 07:29 PM
Isn't that just first person narrative? Or maybe you meant narrative without event. That happens a lot but probably not on purpose as is the case in your piece. Anyways, keep posting. Somebody's gotta give Hunley a run for his money.









J

Lokasenna
03-11-2012, 04:40 PM
I disagree with your conclusion, but very little with the observations and the ways you show them.

If you don't mind my asking, could you please just clarify what you mean by disagreeing with my conclusion? I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean.

MarkBastable
03-11-2012, 05:00 PM
I have a lot to say about this. And most of it will seem critical. Actually, a lot of it will be critical. But I like what you're trying to do here.

This is so perfect an instance of a thoughtful and clever person taking an early shot at writing a short story, that any critique of it I attempt will turn into a long essay about how short stories work, and how to write them. (Of course, one might ask, 'what the hell does he know?' but I think I know a bit.) Anyway - probably not what the thread is meant for.

If you'd like to talk about it though, IM me. And if you don't like to, I shan't be in the least offended.

MystyrMystyry
03-11-2012, 05:35 PM
It begins solidly, with intrigue ripe for the picking.

The bracketed comment after 'condom' is hackneyed though and jolts with the flow to that point - I sense you felt a need for a longer pause before announcing the notebook, but two different objects would be better than the inserted opinion.

As for the notes themselves, though definitely a Borges-type conceit, they should be scattered within a larger framework, as the mysteries unfold and link up more understanding should be disclosed - though at the cost of turning it into a more conventional story - as it is there's a sense of the reader 'having' to decipher them, which is fine with the Borges preface, but a bit much to expect without.

Otherwise it has an almost Chthlhu/Poe feel, but needs a bit more work around the story, and earlier description or hints at the subject's strangeness.

cafolini
03-11-2012, 09:33 PM
If you don't mind my asking, could you please just clarify what you mean by disagreeing with my conclusion? I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean.

It would be difficult to understand what I mean and difficult for me to understand what you mean. It's highly philosophical. That's not the point. I loved it.

Lokasenna
03-12-2012, 06:38 AM
The bracketed comment after 'condom' is hackneyed though and jolts with the flow to that point - I sense you felt a need for a longer pause before announcing the notebook, but two different objects would be better than the inserted opinion.

Interesting. As I mentioned to Jack up above, I have a very firm mental image of the narrator, which I had hoped to convey through their language. I had intended to capture their linguistic mannerisms, so that, brief though their spiel might be, you had some measure of them as a person, and something to juxtapose Jonathan's writings against. I honestly did not think about the rhythm of the inventory - from my point of view (which in no way, of course, makes it the definitive point of view) it was necessary to capture the character of someone who can't help but insert a slightly snide or prissy remark after each item. I'll admit I was quite happy with that myself - I thought that the image of the unopened packet of condoms, and the narrator's interpretation of it, actually encapsulated a lot of ideas and connatations in a very small symbol.


As for the notes themselves, though definitely a Borges-type conceit, they should be scattered within a larger framework, as the mysteries unfold and link up more understanding should be disclosed - though at the cost of turning it into a more conventional story - as it is there's a sense of the reader 'having' to decipher them, which is fine with the Borges preface, but a bit much to expect without.

Yes, I'll admit Borges looms large in my thought process on this one. What I wanted to do, and perhaps I have done so unsuccessfully, was to convey the idea of a story without actually telling it. It was, for me, an experiment in perception. Something potentially interesting or mysterious has happened, but our picture of it is incomplete: we have a disinterested third-hand account, and a written artefact that somehow connects with events, but of which we know little contextual information. It was the idea of writing an unconventional story that appealed to me. I put a lot of thought into Jonathan's notes - people may recognize many of the allusions and embedded quotations, but I suspect there will be very few who will catch all of them; this, I thought, would mean that everybody's interpretation of them would be different, that in their individual deciphering of them they would have a different experience of the story. That, at least, was my hope!


Otherwise it has an almost Chthlhu/Poe feel, but needs a bit more work around the story, and earlier description or hints at the subject's strangeness.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and supportive set of comments - I really do appreciate such good feedback.


It would be difficult to understand what I mean and difficult for me to understand what you mean. It's highly philosophical. That's not the point. I loved it.

Fair enough, I respect that. Given the nature of my story, it would be a little bit hypocritical of me not respect others' right to a little bit of mystery!

Steven Hunley
03-12-2012, 01:29 PM
I suppose the aspects of this I'm having problems with, is that I can see the Borges influence. I had trouble with Borges. I recognise Latin, (is it Latin? I may be wrong) and I had trouble with Latin. For these two reasons I deem this "story" not quite a story. It shows promise, but if I were the author, I'd IM Mark about it and see what he has to say. The guy knows story.


If you can't read Latin,and most people can't, and if you can't find the thread of the narrative easily, and then hope it leads you somewhere, then even if it's clever and erudite you are going to lose readers.

But then again, that's just me.

Lokasenna
03-12-2012, 02:15 PM
I suppose the aspects of this I'm having problems with, is that I can see the Borges influence. I had trouble with Borges.

Yes, that's understandable. He is a bit of an acquired taste, and so I suppose that something that follows him (and with less skill) should be similarly divisive.


I recognise Latin, (is it Latin? I may be wrong) and I had trouble with Latin.

The first quotation is in Italian, the second in Latin. I don't want to give the game away, so I'll put the translations and sources in spoiler warnings:




*****SPOILER******SPOILER********SPOILER*******


Credo in un Dio crudel, che m’ha creato simile a sé, e che nell’ira io nomo. - 'I believe in a cruel god, who has created me in his image, and whom, in hate, I name' (A quotation from Iago's 'Credo' in Verdi's Otello).

Tanta eo tempore pax in Britannia fuisse perhibetur, ut, sicut usque hodie in proverbio dicitur, etiamsi mulier una cum recens nato parvulo vellet totam perambulare insulam a mari ad mare, nullo se laedente valeret. - 'It is reported that there was then such perfect peace in Britain, that, as is still proverbially said, a woman with her newborn babe might walk throughout the island, from sea to sea, without receiving any harm' (A quotation from Bede's Historia Ecclesiastica Gentis Anglorum).


*****SPOILER END******SPOILER END********SPOILER END*******





It shows promise, but if I were the author, I'd IM Mark about it and see what he has to say. The guy knows story.

Already have done - I'm always very open to contructive criticism, and I respect Mark's opinions.


If you can't read Latin,and most people can't, and if you can't find the thread of the narrative easily, and then hope it leads you somewhere, then even if it's clever and erudite you are going to lose readers.

Perhaps you are right, though I did set out to make it challenging. Maybe I took it too far, but I didn't want something that just handed itself out on a plate.

AuntShecky
03-12-2012, 04:32 PM
I think I'll send you a PM about this, L. (This quick reply is to "bump." your post.)

Steven Hunley
03-12-2012, 10:18 PM
Thank you for the translations. I like that you took chances, and if you're going to risk sounding erudite or pandering to common conceptions about what constitutes writing or story, and if you're not afraid of taking chances, then err in the direction of erudition (is that a word?) There's always a good way to inform and entertain your readers at the same time. I'm looking forward to reading what you come up with. Wells made Citizen Kane in his early 20's. You may have quite a future. We'd like to be in on it and see it evolve.

Jack of Hearts
03-13-2012, 07:16 PM
Mos def to what Mr. Hunley said. The overarching theme between these comments, you should see, is a supportive one. Go Loka go!









J