Two To A Hole

[William Sawyer]

"You kill anybody over there?”

My little brother looked at me in a blank stare he was 10 now, not the small frail 6 year old I had left 4 years ago. He looked a lot like I did when I was his age, green eyes, dirty blonde hair, tall and skinny. That question made me tense up. I didn’t really know what I was going to say. I didn’t want him to think I was a bad person, nor did I want to lie. So I sat there for a moment with my pole, feeling the line, slowly reeling in the lure starring at the green water of the lake.

I had gotten home from the war yesterday and my father thought I should take Jimmy fishing and ‘catch up’. We were 8 years apart so we were never that close. I was always busy with school and sports, so I never got the chance to spend a lot of time with Jimmy. As he grew older he became more curious as to where his older brother was, all my father told him is that I was a marine in Vietnam fighting for democracy. I guess this caused jimmy to become obsessed with the whole thing. At dinner time he would “Debrief” my parents on the latest events and reports from the war. He had a huge collection of GI Joes and plastic army men in his room. Setup in there all fighting small battles for who controlled it, killing, shooting, and stabbing one another. I remember watching him play with them this morning. Throwing them up in the air as he screamed “Incoming artillery!” then making a loud explosion sound. I just sat there silently sipping Coffee. His explosion impression was good tho.

“Yeah…Yeah I did,” I wasn’t going to lie to my kid brother, but I wasn't going to tell him the exact truth either. He wanted me to be a hero so that is what I was going to be.

“Who was the first person you killed? I mean since you killed people and all. Was it a man? Was he Vietnamese? Did he have a machine gun?”

I looked over at Jimmy and sipped my beer and reeled in a little slower

“ The first one was a large man. He was part of a group we called the Vietcong. He was charging my friend so I shot him. That was it.”

“Wow!” he looked up at me with admiration an almost envious look in his eyes. He wanted to milk me dry on this experience.

“Were you scared?”

“Not really. I just kind of reacted I guess.” My lure rose out of the water. I raised it up then cast it back out again, and placed my beer back down in my lap.

This was a lie. The first man I ever killed I shot in
the back at night hiding a hole, and he wasn't large or menacing, or charging my friend. He was just kind of standing there in the dark, looking for something.

“I want to be a Marine when I’m older. Just like you were.”

I didn’t respond to this. I just nodded and starred back out at the water.

Jimmy wasn’t really focused on fishing. He brought along a few of those little plastic soldiers to play with. He crouched down in the dirt and dug a few little foxholes. He stuck two of the green soldiers in each one. Then setup the tan ones in a sort of charge. He did this all while humming to himself.

I couldn’t block it anymore. His little diorama is what really started to make me think. I didn’t save one of my buddies in some heroic fashion shooting down a charging Vietcong. That was all bull****, but seeing those two little green soldiers in that foxhole is what brought me back…back to my own foxhole that first night outside of Chei Pe, the night i killed a man.

[Hawkman]

Good creation of atmosphere here, nice pacing between the sparse dialogue and the narrator's internalisation.

However, there is a probelm in that you seem to have changed your mind about the story at some point. Consequently there is a contradiction between:

"“Yeah…Yeah I did,” I wasn’t going to lie to my kid brother, and if he really wanted to know then I would tell him the damn truth."

and

"I didn’t save one of my buddies in some heroic fashion shooting down a charging Vietcong. That was all bull****, but seeing those two little green soldiers in that foxhole is what brought me back…back to my own foxhole that first night outside of Chei Pe, the night I killed a man."

What you need here is a modification in the earlier line, along the lines of:

"I didn't want to lie to my kid brother, but that wasn't going to stop me."

The implication in the final line is that the narrator killed one of his own, but we are not given reason or circumstance for this. I kind of feel there is room for more development of the tale in a longer piece.

Generally well written and an engaging read.

Live and be well - H

[Steven Hunley]

It could be that this is not convincing me because it never happened. Or it might have happened and it's written about in such a manner or such a style that for this reader it seems unconvincing. I can't fault it, and it has many things to commend it. But I question the "The first one was a man." bit, which implies there were others,and that one or more others may have been women. If that's your intent it's fine.

If there were 8 years difference I'm having trouble with the boy still playing with soldiers if the older one has just returned from a tour of duty, even if he enlisted at 18. Last of all, the city or battle or whatever. I'm not familar with Vietnam. I need to read the name of a city or town or hamlet I've heard of.Then I'll give the whole story more creedence. Like Iago in Othello adding true details to your lies makes them all the more believable.

I like the idea of having the conversation while fishing though. You might want to add bits of the fishing environment to reflect the thoughts of or rememberances of Vietnam. After all, fishing has certain aspects of hunting and hunting shares certain aspects of war. You might entwine the images and thoughts together to give the story more strength or reach.

Good luck and by all means, if you continue to work on the piece, post it for all to see!

[William Sawyer]

Thank you very much for your responses. I looked back and edited a few things to make the story flow better and hopefully make more sense. Thanks again and i will be adding onto this shortly.

[Hawkman]

Hi WS, I'm afraid I'm not too keen on the modifications you have made. I can't remember if the word "large" featured in the post, pre-edit, but it doesn't ring true. In comparison with with American GIs, the Vietnamese probably wouldn't have qualified as being large. I rather liked the untold story behind the original wording, "the first one was a man", indicating, as Steven noted, that there may have been women and children notched up on the stock of your soldier's gun. Don't forget that the Viet Minh or in the US parlance of the time VC, were not regular soldiers and quite often were women and children.

this paragraph:

"This was a lie. The first man I ever killed I shot in the back at night hiding in a hole, and he wasn't large or menacing, or charging my friend. He was just kind of standing there in the dark, looking for something."

is in the wrong place. It steals the thunder and generally diminishes the impact of the closing paragraph. The ideal place to put it, minus "large or menacing" and the last sentence, "He was just kind of standing there, looking for something", (this is very weak) is after "...bull****"

The last sentence of the closing paragrpah needs a minor tweak:

"...those two little green soldiers in that foxhole took me back…"

Now as an introduction this piece sparks the interest, there is a story to tell and I hope you will. Remember to keep the details "real" and consistent with the background history and period.

Live and be well - H