Biggus
03-02-2012, 06:45 AM
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate
SEX AID
My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay
THE FINAL RECKONING
As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say
“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me
“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”
FLY TRAP
When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap
WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied
Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house
Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."
NAME CALLING # 1
Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend
MATURE CONVERSATION
My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure
She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you
But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season
THE NIGHT BUS
After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before
END OF THE LINE
My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle
So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits
WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY
Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate
SEX AID
My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay
THE FINAL RECKONING
As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say
“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me
“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”
FLY TRAP
When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap
WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied
Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house
Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."
NAME CALLING # 1
Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend
MATURE CONVERSATION
My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure
She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you
But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season
THE NIGHT BUS
After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before
END OF THE LINE
My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle
So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits
WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY
Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.