Morning Notes

[Bar22do]

1. Morning Notes

The gravel path of our grove,
in the leaves’ dew -
light effusion
absorbed by the shadow
of the other slope.

The insuperable silence
of your voice –
like a vacant stare of time -
impregnated with a mynah’s call
over the rubble of years
covering with weeds.


(Jerusalem, March, 2012)

[Jerrybaldy]

You are a poet.

[Bar22do]

thanks, Poet! :)

[Alexander III]

I realy liked the last stanza and think it worked very well. The first stanza was too overcrowded with dense with imagery and sensation, I think were it a bit more sparse it would contrast very well with the poignancy of the last stanza.

[AuntShecky]

You are a poet.

Meaning "the real thing."

[PrinceMyshkin]

This starts off in keeping with the "notes" of the title but soon plunges into such despair!

[MystyrMystyry]

Wonderful in the true sense!

[Bar22do]

Thanks AlexanderIII, Auntie, Prince and Mystyr! Prince[/B,] it's not despaired at all, perhaps only sad, quiet statement. [B]Alexander, you give me matter for thought and revision, always grateful. Be all very well!

[aliengirl]

Like it as always. A poignant little gem!

[PrinceMyshkin]

[B]Prince[/B,] it's not despaired at all, perhaps only sad quiet statement.


"never to unfold" ???

[Bar22do]

Well yes, Prince, a plain fact, I'm afraid. or is something wrong with my last line?
Aliengirl, thanks a lot for your kind words!

[Buh4Bee]

Bar- How I love to come back and read your poems. This is so good! Cheers to you with envy.

[dyne7]

i enjoyed this. the sparseness of the language helps to emphasize the poems intent. quite ambiguous. powerful, really. nice work.


dyne

[Little Gal]

I can see the words with effortless ease, becoming pictures one after another before my eyes...
read it a no.of times..
loved it.

[Cotton178]

http://www.ipaddis.info/avatar4.jpgThe poem is very interesting.:sosp:

[Bar22do]

Thank you very much Buh4Bee (cheers back!!! :smile5: ), dyne7, Little Gal and Cotton (welcome here, Cotton!)!
It's encouraging to read your words and it means a lot to me. (Prince, prompted by your remark, I'm thinking how to rewrite my last line)

[Haunted]

Morning notes — reads like mourning notes.

How the lush nature imagery gives way to shadow on the other side, and how desolate. Hope N one day recovers. hugs

[Bar22do]

Morning notes — reads like mourning notes.

How the lush nature imagery gives way to shadow on the other side, and how desolate.
Your sensitive reading is amazing, Haunted, you pay attention to hints and always go straight to essence. Thanks so very much and hugs back!

[Hawkman]

"the gravel path of our grove;
through the leaves’ dew -
light effusion
absorbed by the shadow
of the other slope

insuperable still
of your voice –
like vacant stare of time -
impregnated with mynahs’ call
over the rubble
of future years."

Almost perfect, except that meaning and intent are confused in the first two lines of S2.

Firstly, because there is no punctuation at the end of S1, the first line reads as a continuation of S1's last line. Secondly, because there is no punctuation at the end of S2 L1, L2 reads as a continuation from above. The trouble with this is that, "insuperable still of your voice" makes no sense gramatcially or in context. We don't know how to read, "still". do you mean stillness, or "continuing"?

"Stillness of your voice" makes sense.

However, as it stands, it is unclear whether the fist line of S2 refers to S1 or is a complete new thought. If you began S2 with the definite article it would be clearer and make more sense, so that S2 becomes a complete and coherent thought, but 'still' would need to be replaced with "stillness." Alternatively you could just drop "of" in S2 L2 and you would not need to alter 'still', as its meaning would be apparent. It really depends what you intended to say. However, if this was your intended meaning, it might read better if you opened S2 with, "your voice". So:

"Your voice,
insuperable still -
like the vacant stare of time -
impregnated with (a) mynah's call
over the rubble
of future years."

Not sure about comparing a voice, even a still one, with "the vacant stare of time", as it is a bit abstract, but it is also rather an intriguing image.

The "mynahs' call" gramatically should be "mynahs' calls" but it sounds horrible with the successive sibillants. Nicer, I think, to make it one bird's call.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Thank you for your close reading and for your suggestions.

[Hawkman]

The edit has made a big difference. The choice of silence instead of stillness gives the poem a memento mori focus, rather than the previouse possible interpretation of a relationship's demise, where the quality of stillness in the voice of the unnamed other might have indicated reticence. However, you still need a definite article before 'vacant' in the italicised line. (why is it italicised?) There are times when one can omit articles in a sentence, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them. Doing so here makes the line sound like a Hollywood scriptwriter's idea of a Chinese aphorism.

I like your new ending, but then I quite like the original one, but I accept that you felt it didn't quite convey what you intended. The use of 'covering', though unexpected, conveys the sense of slowly overgowing, and was an inspired choice.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Bar, this is amazing.





J

[Bar22do]

You're an archeologist, Jack! how on earth did you think of excavating this one!

But thank you, thank you for your reading and appreciating my March effort!

(but are you still Jack, or have you mutated to David? :toetap05: )