Closing Time

[Jerrybaldy]

Tankards swing in liver spot hands,
tomorrow's cadavers are dancing.
I have a sad smile for you
and a cigarette between my teeth.
You look a desperate beauty
wreathed in the smoke of WD and HO Wills,
I will sing to you
my melancholy baby,
feet pressing sustain,
Drunken Dave doing Elvis.
When the bell rings
I will forget once more
just how I play piano.
Against a red brick wall
our lips will press
our hands will grope
breath of ale and vinegar
fingers seeking flesh,
discarded wrigleys
sticking shoes to carpark tarmac,
the scent of frying fish fills the air,
broken bottles entrap us,
we are never leaving here.

[cafolini]

Strong redemption in admittance. I somehow loved this one and I don't know exactly why. The title seems excellent for my interpretation.

[Delta40]

Your poetry has a way of speaking to a part of us. Just like Cafolini says, he doesn't know why he loves it, but he does.

[Revolte]

I don't want to go home, I think I'll stay here.

I really liked this, if you took out the first two lines (they feel a little out of place, upon first read) I would love it.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you cafolini and Delta. Your comments make sense to me.

Thank you Revolte, I have taken your good advice and removed the opening lines.

[hallaig]

i would like it to start with the line

'I have a sad smile.....'

get rid of 'and salt' for flow purposes?

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks hallaig, you inspired me to change the beginning and I cut out the salt (doctors orders).

[MystyrMystyry]

This reminds me of me - once at the ivories of the most out-of-tune piano honkey tonkin' it up to the cheers and jeers of a gang of bikies. Fortunately they were drunk enough and the 'instrument' off key enough not to notice how bad I was - they might otherwise have shot the piano player!

The next time went a bit better, until someone decided to put a coin in the juke box ;)


For the record I liked the opening words as they was - perhaps another poem with them included???

[soloIQ]

''tomorrow's cadavers are dancing''........awsome

[Haunted]

whatever changes you made, I love it just the way it is. Jaded and crazy hot at the same time.

[Bar22do]

have not followed the changes, but as it is, it reads great to me, except perhaps that personally I'd prefer if you started with "I have a sad smile for you". strong and passionate.

[Jerrybaldy]

thanks peeps
I still like this one

[Scheherazade]

I know why I like Jerry's poetry... He has a way of getting hold of the reality and presenting it to the reader starkly (almost throwing it at our faces). This is made more striking, I believe, by the fact that he often talks about very personal experiences with an undeniable detachment. Even though at times they are not very comfortable to read, like Delta points out, they speak to us because they are about all those "ordinary personal stuff" and we find a bit of ourselves in them.

It is a great one, Jerry. I have not seen the original version but as it is, you manage to tell a breath-taking story in less than 25 lines.

Technically speaking, there are some part, I feel, that can be touched upon; however, I don't want to ruin the party by talking about grammar and punctuation.

One of your best and it is amazing how much your poetry has developed since we have known you :)

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks scheherazade (wish I could think of a way of shortening your name - can I call you Rita?)

it is always a pleasure to hear your comments.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's kind of, like, you notice everything and exclude nothing. Way to go, dude!

[AuntShecky]

I read this the other day but didn't comment. (I ran out of time, since had to make supper for whathisname.) At that time, I would've posted some words adding to the praise from the other LitNutters.

Again, there is the attention to details and that strong voice, toujours. The topic resonates with yours truly. I can't tell you how many times I heard the words, "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here, although I last heard them several--cough, lowered voice-- Presidential administrations ago.

I saw a couple of typos/ questionable punctuation choices but, like Scher, I won't bother you with them now. I agree wholeheartedly with her about how much your work has evolved since you first graced LitNutters with your unique presence.

Remember back in the day when we both started off on the wrong foot? I can't speak for you, but as far as I am concerned, I am so glad that there has developed a mutual (on my side at least) respect and I daresay online fondness between you and me, n'est ce pas?

Auntie
"A louse in the locks of literature."
(Tennyson)