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DazedDreamer
02-27-2012, 09:31 PM
And he flew, and swam, and ran. There were bright, vivid colors, and shapes jumped to life in front of him. As the world spun and the stars shined, he twirled in the air and created splashes of vibrant sounds.

The scene was a cacophony of images and sounds, but in the chaos there was unity and pattern. Out of randomness, he seemed to sense something. He wondered and pondered, and called it God. He called it the Creator, the One.

And still he danced and flew and flowed. In the world there was nothing, yet there was everything. The shimmering glow of lights reflected off of emptiness, but the emptiness was kind and soft. Throughout the mix and blur of the world, the pulse of life raced on. There was nothing holding him back, so he soared and soared.

But then there was the crack.

With little flakes and wisps of the world twirling around him, he revolved slowly, watching the colors rotate and intermingle. He was confused.

And out of somewhere - nowhere - there was the shadow of a twinge of a doubt. And the doubt doubled, and tripled, and grew. The world began to separate, with tufts of perfection splitting away. As the world cracked through the middle, he began to panic; he clutched at the receding threads, the dulling colors. With anguished efforts, he grabbed at anything he could, but where he reached, the pieces shrank away as if repulsed.

After a final futile effort at recovering the beautiful, serene world, he lay quivering among the disintegrating nothingness.

And the colors faded to white which faded to black which faded to- what?

As he slowly stirred and opened his unfocused eyes to a white ceiling, he slid further and further from the blissful memory.

But yet-- the dazed dreamer still pondered, and he still wondered.

jajdude
02-28-2012, 09:22 AM
I, um, don't know what to think of this. It's dizzying. It's poetic. It's drug-like. No idea what it means, but intriguing stuff I guess.

BookBeauty
02-28-2012, 10:29 AM
It's his debut! An epitome of this particular new member! Welcome! Playful prose.

DazedDreamer
02-28-2012, 09:11 PM
Heh, thanks guys :D

That was just a quickie I wrote for my blog. Any advice on how to make it more coherent? I wanted the reader to be left with a lingering sense of sadness and feeling of loss at the end (think ending of the Nutcracker)

BookBeauty
02-28-2012, 09:15 PM
Well, seeing as this is very dream-like, this reader, anyway, has no real sense of emotion. No attachment to the character you've presented. There isn't anything really tangible here to relate to. It's very vague.

WolfLarsen
02-28-2012, 11:44 PM
BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO!

CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

I give this piece a standing ovation. Don't change a goddamn thing!

DazedDreamer
03-01-2012, 09:05 PM
thanks. I'm sure it can be better though, we can all improve right?

Buh4Bee
03-02-2012, 08:40 PM
This place is plugged up with dreamers.

skib
03-02-2012, 11:39 PM
It is perfectly vague, senseless, colorful, playful, and perfectly awesome. I'm right there with Wolf. Don't change anything.

Gullwings
03-07-2012, 11:07 PM
One of the best things I have read in this section. This is my stream of thought sometimes. No, I'm not bipolar, LOL, but it is chaotic sometimes.

Absolutely amazing...

David Strugnell
03-09-2012, 10:58 AM
Absolutely superb brilliance.

Pensive
03-10-2012, 10:24 AM
I think every dreamer can find something to relate to this one piece! Good job!


And the colors faded to white which faded to black which faded to- what?
Especially like this line...

Breeze_Bristol
03-19-2012, 01:12 PM
I like it. The imagery is good. I do feel the sense of sadness at the end. It makes me think of life and how beautiful it is until we overthink everything, and bog it down with technology, war, polution...etc. It's like the story of Adam and Eve. They couldn't leave well enough alone, and messed everything up.

AuntShecky
03-19-2012, 02:50 PM
This seems overly abstract without much going on, no plot, action, or dialogue except for
a mind's conversation with itself. Reads more like a journal entry rather than a piece of
fiction.

Kingbob
03-20-2012, 11:20 AM
Though abstract,the feeling of loss is well expressed. Not every dreamer can realize his or her dreams,but anyway try your best!