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Little Gal
02-21-2012, 11:52 PM
She came down the stairs. “Once more”, she said to herself. The afternoon sun stood upon the fences. Curtains flew free. She climbed up the white stairs. The open hair kept falling upon her lashes. It was difficult to look down directly through them. But she loved the way they made little curly grills before her, swaying happily when she looked down at her tiny anklets. She lifted up her skirt a little. The anklets shone. They looked like a round string of pure light, light that made small sounds. She skipped down the stairs slow, and singing, “a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four”, and came to the last stair. She looked up at the door. It was locked from inside. The lawn was green after the rain. Winter could be there anytime. There was no sign though, yet.
The anklets went a little down at times. She sat on the floor and pulled her knees together. The anklets played their small sounds. “You look as though you were quite mine”, she said looking at them. They beamed in gold. She thudded her heels and the anklets shook and sang again. She felt their happiness in the melting sun outside. “It is a long afternoon, let us walk together.” The anklets must have heard.
It was a big house. And empty. And clean. The walls were white and lemon. Black marble floors sparkled all along. Everything was arranged and used and rearranged. It looked ancient because of the elaborate furniture. Huge beds and chairs, wooden and rich . The fur carpets, white and over-soft, lay unconsciously here and there. She walked on them. She walked holding up her skirt, so that the anklets made music to her eyes too. She ran suddenly and closed the windows and pulled down the curtains straight. Now she put on the lights, all twenty three chandeliers, and walked again. She saw herself on the floor. Not a shadow, but a picture. Not a picture, she thought…a princess.
And the thought sounded loud in her. Or maybe she thought it so hard. She stood for sometime in the anklets quietly. “Dark Hour”, she said to the anklets… “You must slip off now”. The grandfather clock was making noises. “yeah, I know you were just ticking away my happiness you damned old clock, I know you will move slower from now, but no matter how slow, my hours will come back tomorrow, again..and again”…
A great black car stopped outside the garden. And a few minutes later a strong buzz shook the house. Two women and a man stood exasperated when she opened the glass doors a little later. “You are an insensitive little creature, are you not?” said one of the women. “You will get over sloth only when I get after your pay, and don’t give me that look, be what you are. The other woman looked with a half smile, “Don’t waste yourself on a maid Emmy and you evil little thing, she said looking at her your eyes are too small and too dull for dreams…even day-dreams.” She looked at their graceful walk-away into reality.
She smiled in her hidden light as the Grandfather clock ticked away… “We'll meet again, Cinderella”…

jajdude
03-02-2012, 09:32 AM
This is pretty good. I'm surprised no one replied.

Little Gal
03-02-2012, 01:21 PM
This is pretty good. I'm surprised no one replied.

I thank you... :)

Buh4Bee
03-02-2012, 08:30 PM
"She" starts almost every sentence. I can't get passed that.

paradoxical
03-03-2012, 08:16 AM
I like this, really interesting work.

The only thing I would say is that it is a little choppy.

AuntShecky
03-03-2012, 03:45 PM
Cinderella may be eternally young, but her story has been around the block far too many times. Not much point in treading over territory we've already visited, unless you want to bring to the old fairy tale a fresh perspective. Read some really fine postmodern writers such as Donald Barthelme and Angela Carter to get an idea of how to resuscitate this kind of material. As a matter of fact read all kinds of modern and contemporary short stories so you have an idea of what a short story actually is. You might want to study up on the craft of fiction writing as well.

But before that, you need to learn how the English language works. You've got to get yourself a working vocabulary with plenty of expressive nouns and some active verbs. Become familiar with the other parts of speech and what they do. For instance, pronouns only work when they refer to a noun or a proper noun(someone's name.) It also might be a good idea of learning how to construct the various kinds of sentences rather than a long stream of simple declarative sentences. Learn how to take the sentences and shape them into paragraphs with graceful transitions between them.

Like virtue, knowledge about the language is its own reward ,but there's a bonus in that the more you know, the more confident you will become, thus enabling you to write a story that others would like to read.

What's with the "..."? Usually three dots signify an ellipsis, meaning that some material has been omitted. Forgive my presumption, but I think you might need this:

Guide to punctuation
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=964825#post964825


For more cheap advice:

You Know I'll Stop Reading Your Short Story When
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41000

Show, Don't Tell
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321

Little Gal
03-03-2012, 11:27 PM
Cinderella may be eternally young, but her story has been around the block far too many times. Not much point in treading over territory we've already visited, unless you want to bring to the old fairy tale a fresh perspective. Read some really fine postmodern writers such as Donald Barthelme and Angela Carter to get an idea of how to resuscitate this kind of material. As a matter of fact read all kinds of modern and contemporary short stories so you have an idea of what a short story actually is. You might want to study up on the craft of fiction writing as well.

But before that, you need to learn how the English language works. You've got to get yourself a working vocabulary with plenty of expressive nouns and some active verbs. Become familiar with the other parts of speech and what they do. For instance, pronouns only work when they refer to a noun or a proper noun(someone's name.) It also might be a good idea of learning how to construct the various kinds of sentences rather than a long stream of simple declarative sentences. Learn how to take the sentences and shape them into paragraphs with graceful transitions between them.

Like virtue, knowledge about the language is its own reward ,but there's a bonus in that the more you know, the more confident you will become, thus enabling you to write a story that others would like to read.

What's with the "..."? Usually three dots signify an ellipsis, meaning that some material has been omitted. Forgive my presumption, but I think you might need this:

Guide to punctuation
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=964825#post964825


For more cheap advice:

You Know I'll Stop Reading Your Short Story When
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41000

Show, Don't Tell
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29321

You are a great help Madam... Thank You... :)