Jetxa
02-19-2012, 12:49 PM
Don't know if this qualifies as short story or not...
I thought seeing her again would feel like being stabbed in the heart.. It wasn’t. It felt good. Sweet. It made me smile. My fantasies of touching her face with a trembling hand and stroking her cheek dissipated like wisps of mist. I found I didn’t want to touch her. Just gazing at her was enough. When she turned and walked away, my world didn’t crumble. I didn’t hurt. I realized then it had been over for quite some time. I simply hadn’t known.
As I turned to go I wondered what the next ten years would bring. Would there by someone else in my life? Marriage? Settling down with one person is something I can’t seem to gasp. People always say relationships are work. I’m not one to work much at anything. I want what I want when I want it. Who doesn’t. Self-sacrifice isn’t my thing. All of my girlfriends either fit into my plans, my schedule, or they were left behind. Now I feel sorry for all the broken hearts and they way I used them. Well, maybe not. People have to be responsible for themselves. If they have expectations, that’s not my fault, right? That’s why I never make promises. Who knows what spirit will move me five minutes from now.
But I would have taken the plunge for her. I would have promised her my love and fidelity. My life by her side forever. And I would have meant it. I would have lived up to it. Thing is I messed it up before I got the chance. I ran. I loved her. Some excuse, I know.
I loved her and I was scared at the changes loving her was making in my life. All of sudden I wasn’t first in my life, in my mind, in my heart. Everything I did or even thought of doing revolved around her. I didn’t mind. I like it. I loved it. Why then the cheating? Why risk it all? What was I afraid of?
I was afraid someone would pop up that knew my secret. Someone that knew me before she met me. Someone that knew what I had done. I couldn’t bear to see her look at me in horror. Horror knowing I had dirtied her. Knowing what filth she had lain with. Knowing she would want to rip her skin off to rid herself of my taint. How could I have ever let myself touch her in the first place. I wanted a chance to be normal. To love. To be loved. Not at first, but the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew I couldn’t walk away. Not this time. So I cheated. I broke her heart. I had to.
I thought seeing her again would feel like being stabbed in the heart.. It wasn’t. It felt good. Sweet. It made me smile. My fantasies of touching her face with a trembling hand and stroking her cheek dissipated like wisps of mist. I found I didn’t want to touch her. Just gazing at her was enough. When she turned and walked away, my world didn’t crumble. I didn’t hurt. I realized then it had been over for quite some time. I simply hadn’t known.
As I turned to go I wondered what the next ten years would bring. Would there by someone else in my life? Marriage? Settling down with one person is something I can’t seem to gasp. People always say relationships are work. I’m not one to work much at anything. I want what I want when I want it. Who doesn’t. Self-sacrifice isn’t my thing. All of my girlfriends either fit into my plans, my schedule, or they were left behind. Now I feel sorry for all the broken hearts and they way I used them. Well, maybe not. People have to be responsible for themselves. If they have expectations, that’s not my fault, right? That’s why I never make promises. Who knows what spirit will move me five minutes from now.
But I would have taken the plunge for her. I would have promised her my love and fidelity. My life by her side forever. And I would have meant it. I would have lived up to it. Thing is I messed it up before I got the chance. I ran. I loved her. Some excuse, I know.
I loved her and I was scared at the changes loving her was making in my life. All of sudden I wasn’t first in my life, in my mind, in my heart. Everything I did or even thought of doing revolved around her. I didn’t mind. I like it. I loved it. Why then the cheating? Why risk it all? What was I afraid of?
I was afraid someone would pop up that knew my secret. Someone that knew me before she met me. Someone that knew what I had done. I couldn’t bear to see her look at me in horror. Horror knowing I had dirtied her. Knowing what filth she had lain with. Knowing she would want to rip her skin off to rid herself of my taint. How could I have ever let myself touch her in the first place. I wanted a chance to be normal. To love. To be loved. Not at first, but the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew I couldn’t walk away. Not this time. So I cheated. I broke her heart. I had to.