Just a thought, would like opinions

[TeranikaSloane]

She had bright blue eyes when she was born, that seemed to shimmer as she moved. As you moved down her body you could see the webbed skin inbetween her toes. These two characteristics, in Teranikas race of people, made her a water spirit, destined to bond with a Water Dragon. If it had just been that than there would have been nothing unusual about Teranika Sloane but she was a being her people had never seen. Her hair, still wet in the fluids of her birth, was a blazing red, on the back of her hands were the three spikes characteristic of the fire spirits. On her foreheed, in the middle of her eyebrows, sat a small marble sized orb. Her people knew what this was, every child had one. But, not once in any of their lifetimes, had they witnessed such a sight. A child born with a blue and red orb. Teranika Sloane was a mystery right from the start.

((I have no access to writing material at the moment so I'm just using this as a way to write. This is an idea thats circling in my head, Teranika is born into a race of people called the Iticalians, they are Elementals who bond with Dragons of their element to keep balance in the ecosystems. When Teranika is born, an elemental of not one but two elements, complete opposites, it throws everyone into confusion. Teranika is the first of her kind, no one knows why she was born this way and no one knows how shes going to bond with a Dragon.)

[TeranikaSloane]

Nothing?

[TeranikaSloane]

I'd like some help now. I really like the idea of this story but I'm having trouble starting it properly, I don't know whether to start it at 13 which is when I want to start the coming-to-age Dragon Ceremony (where they go off in search of the egg that houses the dragon they're destined to bond with) or to start at 9 years old when the Iticalians elemental powers start to show, control over water, fire, earth and air.

The appeal for me at 9 is to start describing Teranikas personality and the way she learns to use her two elements together to 'Air Board', a primarily air element pass time and the way she overcomes the bullying she faces everyday by her peers. To start at 9 years old means I can document her growth and how she becomes so fierce and how she learns to control both of her elements and to use them in conjunction.

The appeal to start at 13 is to start at the begining of the action, just as Teranika sets off to find her dragon. I have this idea in my head that the moment she does she spots a massive eel like creature that can swim through the air called an Achilyr, heading for her village. These creatures move fast and Teranika knows that the warriors normally always on watch have been distracted by that days Dragon Ceremony and immediately her and her dragon are forced to fight the massive creature as Teranika can't get word to the village in time. Badly injured but victorious Teranika makes it back to the village, her exhausted newly born dragon crash landing as they do.

I have two seperate ideas but both are the same story. It would help me if I had some other opinions.

[martunia99]

I think you should start with nine years old and I love the idea for your story hope you write more and good luck

[TeranikaSloane]

Thank you

[jennypaul]

its really nice..keep it up

[YouBetcha]

I'm going to be very nit-picky, but not everything I say might be right for you. It's food for thought.

[When you start a sentence, consider starting with the subject followed by the verb instead of the verb, born in this sentence, near the end. It gives the sentence better flow, impact, and sometimes helps in comprehension]

She had bright blue eyes when she was born,[No comma] that seemed to ["seemed to" are words that break the flow and don't add anything] shimmer as she moved. As you moved down her body you could see [This could work, but you could connect the two sentences into one] the webbed skin inbetween her toes.

These two [two isn't needed. I understand two already because you've only explained two] characteristics, in Teranikas race of people [watch out for redundant phrases. You could say "race" or "people" and it would still make sense], made her a water spirit, destined to bond with a Water Dragon. If it had just been that than there would have been nothing unusual about Teranika Sloane but she was a being her people had never seen.["just been that than there" is a mental tongue twister. The sentence isn't needed. At the end you explain something similar.] Her hair, still wet in the fluids ["fluids" isn't need. You already said wet.] of her birth, was a blazing red, [should be a new sentence] on the back of her hands were the three spikes characteristic of the fire spirits. On her foreheed, in the middle of her eyebrows[Middle of eyebrows or forehead. Only one is needed.], sat a small marble sized orb. Her people knew what this was, every child had one. But, not once in any of their lifetimes, had they witnessed such a sight. A child born with a blue and red orb. Teranika Sloane was a mystery right from the start. [This is telling us something we already understand]

Here is my version:

Teranikas was born with bright blue eyes that shimmered, and webbed skin between her toes. In her people, these characteristics made her a water spirit destined to bond with a Water Dragon. Her hair, still wet from birth, was blazing red. On the back of her hands were three spikes of the fire spirits. In the middle of her eyebrows sat a small marble-sized orb. Every child had one, but not once in their lifetimes had they witnessed a child born with a blue and red orb.

[martunia99]

No offense youbetcha but I disagree with you I like the autors work better because it's more descriptive and interesting thou you are right about some parts but frof my piont of view the first version is better.

[TeranikaSloane]

I don't like your version Youbetcha, thank you for the help but it seems very boring, and very broken up, there's no flow.

[TeranikaSloane]

I've started it on another site at 9 yrs old but I'm having trouble. I think starting at 13 with flashbacks to 9 yrs old is the best way for this story. martunia you can find it on WattPad under Teranika: Fire and Water

[YouBetcha]

I don't like your version Youbetcha, thank you for the help but it seems very boring, and very broken up, there's no flow.

You're right. I didn't add any sentence variation, but that was because I didn't want to add any words. Reading yours again, I do like it, but just figure I put in two cents.

[martunia99]

thanks Teranika and thats a great idea

[TeranikaSloane]

Your welcome :) and thanks for the motivation

[xtianfriborg13]

Some of your descriptions are a little cliche, for me. But I like, your work, I mean. :)