To Whom It May Concern

[Bar22do]

Enough hounding me! Turtles
offer their shells against your forward footstep!
When you smite with thirst so I lick your arroyos,
a shower falls! Eos shades dawns in blush
over the grief you inflict and,
as you let out your sorry chthonian burps,
I laugh! Master, whom are you after, why…

True, I tasted of heaven; it wasn't your taste, though -
Leonid Kogan’s bow reinventing Beethoven,
Cézanne’s Boy in a Red Vest... I was offered
the flavour of earth in manna like wafer and honey
in a Middle East desert –
I recall birds were brushing off your eternal belly -

You fancied that I’d love you blindly while
I have seen more than the slippers of your moon,
hollow shoulders of a kikayon shadow,
sparkly freckles riddling your nocturnal complexion
for a Reeves or a Galileo…
I could have loved you.

Now make a go of other yellow dwarf stars
to scare and deceive - there
sure are fools everywhere ready to clean
fungi from your toes, the myriad tiny mouths
snapping at your immaterial dermis,
their holy host...

And should you miss me
- my lenience is a hothouse flower -
trample down your ills to a storm cloud,
unbury your caring arms from beneath the covers
before your return:
on your knees like mellow humps of extinct volcanoes,
come back in a brook's Vespers.
Only then I might reconsider.


(Jerusalem, February 2012)

[MystyrMystyry]

Nice one Bar22do! :)

Lots of artistic allusions into the bargain - like a brief cyclopaedia of quality

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, MM! and best to you, Bar

[Delta40]

What a superb talent you have Bar! I love how you write with such eloquence, spreading out a broken heart and it's aftermath like a rich banquet while mine spills out like tins from a broken plastic bag. I love reading the tapestries in your work x

[BookBeauty]

Very beautiful. Painstakingly, you etch the words in verse as a renaissance master applies the paint. I think here, too, I welcome the refreshing contemporary flare in your work. Well done! I appreciate the effort you've put in. :)

[Bar22do]

Delta, do not compare your free flowing poetry in English with my foreigner efforts to unveil a (readable!) corner of my lyrical soul… You're a genuine poet, Delta, and have a mother tongue! I feel flattered whenever you appreciate some of what my pen dares. So, thank you for your good, rewarding comment on this. But there must be something misleading here (the title? yeah, not a good choice from the beginning, but threads’ titles can’t be changed) for if you pay attention, in this poem N addresses and kind of squares accounts with "man-made god" rather than spreads his/her broken heart (some clues are "your immaterial dermis", "their holy host", "your eternal belly", "kikayon shadow", etc..) and finally gets the upper hand...

Dear BookBeauty, how beautifully have you written about my writing, one more comment like that and I'll fall in love with my modest art!!! :blush: Thank you so very much...

My best to you two and know that your critiques (whether positive or constructive) are always of great value to me.

Bar

[aliengirl]

one more comment like that and I'll fall in love with my modest art!!! :blush: Thank you so very much...

Bar[/COLOR]

Dear Bar,
I'm already in love with your (not so modest) art. :smile5: I must read this again and again to fully appreciate it. What an astonishing range of metaphors and images you possess. This one is my favorite -

"I was offered
the flavour of earth in manna like wafer and honey
in a Middle East desert – "

Thanks for sharing. :)

[DocHeart]

Already read this three times. I keep coming back for more. It is exquisite. Heartfelt, powerful and elegant. And so readable.

If only any of the women who have left me had written something like that about me :P

Best,
DH

[AuntShecky]

Wow! This one's chocked full of images and motifs. I'll have to re-read a number of times before commenting further.

[Bar22do]

Aliengirl, DocHeart, as I said, it means a great deal to me... thank you for your appreciation.

Dear Auntie, I hope, if and when you re-read, it won't be a waste of time and your initial "wow" won't make me "woe is me!"

Best to you always,

Bar

[AuntShecky]

Not only did I re-read it, Bar, I thought about it all last night. Now, and I do hope you don't take this as criticism or as not liking this piece--I do!-- but I have to admit that I've had trouble fully appreciating it. I hasten to add that the problem may be with yours truly and not the poem itself!

God knows I'm no expert, but when I fail to resist the temptation to sound off, I often tell LitNutters that their writing is too abstract, that it lacks images and details. In this piece of yours, it's just the opposite-- almost an "embarrassment of richness" as the phrase goes.

For instance, there are several motifs going on:

Allusions to nature: the turtle, the arroyo (a dry river bed in the N.A. Southwest), desert imagery, storm clouds, birds, fungi, hothouse flowers, volcanoes, brooks, kikayon (a Hebrew name for a plant, which I had to look up), yellow dwarf stars, and the moon.

References to actual human beings: two scientists-- Galileo and Reeves (at least I know he's not the late "Superman" actor, and going way, way back which will give you an idea of how ancient yours truly is, Steve Reeves, who portrayed Hercules in early 1950s movies); one artist, Cezanne, one composer, Ludwig van, and one musician, Leonid Kagan.

Religious and mythological allusions: vespers, manna, Eos, and chthonian.

And overall, a lamentation over or rebuke to or some kind of address to a lover, who has been
rejected but somehow remains under the speaker's skin, almost to the point of obsession.

That's a whole lot of stuff going on here. On the one hand, this image-packed poem might be attempting to express how the emotions toward the lover affects each and every object in the world around the speaker.

On the other hand, I would have preferred just a few selected images with a strong connection. Maybe you could get two or two separate poems out of this one, in order to preserve the images? They really are too good to waste.

But as I say, I didn't dislike this one at all. But it really is too much for the likes o' me.

[Bar22do]

Dear Auntie, as I re-read myself I can see what you mean, however (I must confess) this poem didn't feel overdone to me before --- so thanks a lot for your honest sharing.
It seemed to me there was a logical development in this piece, won't go into explanation, especially if this logic was not apparent to the reader.
And what seems really obscure, while it felt to me unambiguous, is the fact that it's an address (as I wrote in my reply to Delta) to man-invented-god whose reality (or lack thereof) depends on the humans alone. The N turns out/dismisses this harmful creation, reminds of some great human achievements and regains his/her authority over life... so it's not a poem about a rejected lover. Since all the readers misunderstood this central point - the flaw is entirely mine and the poem marred and invalidated. In addition, my intensity plays me tricks, at times.
I post to get honest feedbacks so I can learn to write better or to have the courage to simply break my pen.
Thank you again for your so helpful a word, Dear Auntie! and be the best you're able!
Bar

[Buh4Bee]

Bar- I have also reread this on several occasions and each time it gets only better. It's empowering and sincere. Very powerful for such a gentle soul. Well, done, my dear Bar!

[Haunted]

Very rich in imageries, Bar, but what I admire most is how emotionally charged it is. I wish I could write like this!

[Bar22do]

Thank you very much Buh4Bee and Haunted! if I can say something "to my defense" it's exactly this: it's a sincere and well, yes, an emotional poem indeed... though probably, as Dear Auntie has said, somewhat overdone... Be all well, :smile5:
Bar