Waiting Inbetween

[BookBeauty]

Sun hazed across grasslands like honeyed breath,
And a smile I once knew fondly
Remains in memory,
Gazing upon startled greyness

Bathed in white, too bright to see,
Chilled and draped in hail and misery
A mushy mess,
Of a dress,
Upon streets that silver has forgotten

Trees hold their breath,
Dormant browns
Waiting for the green flush,
That flood of warm, bright inhalation
And relief.

[Hawkman]

I like this BB, for the most part it has pleasing rhythm although there are a couple of places I'd cut a word, or move it, in order to smooth the flow. The punctuation is a little over done in places too. You really don't need a comma after gazing and I wonder why you placed it at the end of the line, rather than beginning the next with it. Memory would have been the intuitive place to have the line-break. Likewise, you don't need the comma after hail in S2. Not keen on, "of a dress" - "of dress" perhaps, as it scans better. You do need a comma after, 'streets' in the last line of this stanza, though.

In S3 I'd move 'warm' to the preceeding line, and cut the comma after inhalation. As a rule of thumb you don't generally need a comma with a conjunction. There are time when you do, but I prefer the sin of omission in this instance. so, :

"Waiting for the warm flush,
That flood of green, bright inhalation
And relief."

So, a very nice poem which I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

As revised, it's a wonderfully dramatic poem.

[ShadowsCool]

A wonderful and charming piece. Beautiful job

[Buh4Bee]

This is great!

[BookBeauty]

Thanks Hawkman, for your, as usual, keen insight. I have edited the poem and made some changes, some which you may not like, but much of it was based upon your constructive feedback. :)

PrinceMyshkin - I'm pleased that you think so! Thanks for your thought. :)

ShadowsCool - Words are made to charm! Thankies muchly.

Buh4Bee - Thanks! :D

[Hawkman]

No, it reads well, BB. Moving Green instead of Warm was a good call, though I still think you should drop the comma after 'and' in the penultimate line. Good poem and good edit.

Live and be well - h

[Delta40]

I think you have an artist's way with words BB as you painted the hues across our imaginations.

[Bar22do]

I too hold my breath waiting for spring but in the meantime reading your inspired verse, BookBeauty!!! Thanks a lot for having offered me the joy of reading this! Bar

[BookBeauty]

Hawkman - Thanks! I had forgotten that little comma, and is now fixed. :D

Delta40 - Thanks so much. That's exactly what I was going for. :)

Bar22do - I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading it. Hehe.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi BookBeauty
wonderful imagery , some briliant lines. I stumbled a little over the last line of S2, but it was a minor trip compared to the beauty within your poem.

[BookBeauty]

I truly appreciate your sentiment, Jerrybaldy. That line stumbles a bit for me too, but I could see no other way. Perhaps it will come to me in time. :)