Schizophrenic Blankets

[Revolte]

Under these blankets
where I sleep
alone
is a lover
yet to be named
a lover at all
or real for that matter
but in my hope
and faith
I feel her,
smell her
and watch her
as imagined twirling
fingers through coffee ripples
with blue smoke
from her third last
cigarette she gave up
when over-limited
by indecent costs
of shelter
and fossil-fuels
to drive her nowhere
and lead her
into my arms
to lay with me
upon my bed sheets
that weep
joyously
to be part of this dream.

[Darcy88]

my bed sheets
that weep
joyously
to be part of this dream.

I love that. Nice.

[Hawkman]

Hi Revolte. Personally I find your line-breaks in this piece inhibit the flow of quite an affetcing poem. line breakes should be sympathetic to reading. Also:

"she gave up
when over-limited
by indecent costs
of shelter
and fossil-fuels"

is a tedious digression in the narrative of the poem. Generally though, the idea behind this poem is good, but the execution lets it down a bit.

If you are going to write without punctuation it helps to construct sentences in lines with natural breaks. The line break can then function as substitute punctuation.

Live and be well - H

[makkesan]

Revolte, thank you for the insight. A very sincere poem. I felt a need for this hidden lover.
I agree with hawkman about that 5 problematic lines, but they still keep the feeling.

[Revolte]

Hi Revolte. Personally I find your line-breaks in this piece inhibit the flow of quite an affetcing poem. line breakes should be sympathetic to reading. Also:

"she gave up
when over-limited
by indecent costs
of shelter
and fossil-fuels"

is a tedious digression in the narrative of the poem. Generally though, the idea behind this poem is good, but the execution lets it down a bit.

If you are going to write without punctuation it helps to construct sentences in lines with natural breaks. The line break can then function as substitute punctuation.

Live and be well - H


I get yah, I debated how to go about it but thought I'd try something new. generally I don't like writing in this style but, every now and then gotta give it a whirl. But do keep in mind that cigarette is part of that, that part of the sentence (not broken) is

"from her third last cigarette she gave up when over-limited by indecent costs of shelter and fossil-fuels"

Off subject: :angelsad2: why is he so sad

[Hawkman]

Hi Revolte:

Yes I could see that, but without puntuation it is an unwieldy line obscure of meaning. Puntuation would help but it's still dependent on where the commas semi-colons etc are placed. It needs tightening up. Oh, and lay should be lie.

As for the question, I don't know, why is the weeping angel sad?

H