shine

[cacian]

It might be lust you sought you'd meet
or maybe fame you thought you'd freeze,
you might have sat somewhere too far
amongst the highs of solomon caves,
what next may come depends on haze,
not on freeways you build to shrine
what was,
what is,
what might have been,
is as faithless as tears for fears.

It was a dream you had conceived,
you drew it plans
almost a dance,
regalas fake decade of spoils
they sprinkle saps of bitter taste
Fernandez sang it in his tunes,
mortal you stood, mortal you fall
profoundly prude,
perish the thought.

Ideals are glams of rogues to go
they shine a deal that last a thrill
then switch to dim
when real hits grim,
it's show time down
this old time round,
acrylic never looked so brill'.

Voice not a loud
that could not speech,
it sounds rougher than
gravels preach,
it ain't a story that makes the storm
it's more the crown that rise to gloom
shine every star upon its jewel,
light will find ways to moonlight stars
and life shall reign eternal hope.

[ShadowsCool]

There are parts of this I find very brilliant.

This line confused me a bit:

"or maybe fame you thought you'd freeze
you might have sat up there somewhere"

I'm thinking a comma after freeze may help my train of thought.

However most is kinda mystic when brought together. A little more work and you
have something special.

[cacian]

Dear ShadowsCool I thank you for reading.:smile5:
Thank you for the advice and encouragement ..I have amended some lines and added the comma where you said.
Will keep working on it.

[ShadowsCool]

Dear ShadowsCool I thank you for reading.:smile5:
Thank you for the advice and encouragement ..I have amended some lines and added the comma where you said.
Will keep working on it.

Anytime :) Good Writing!