Unknown Deaths

[Delta40]

Here we once stood.
A desperate knife fight
between brothers
in a remote telephone box.
And when the cord was severed
our blood was shed,
smeared across cracked windows,
blurring our dying view
of the sparse landscape
into which we were thrown.
Here lies a single stone inscribed:
Passerby please stand here a moment.

[Delta40]

bumpity bump

[BookBeauty]

A piece I think I'll have to think about. Brutal and poignant.

[AuntShecky]

Like the previous poster, I've gotta think about this one. The pattern looks good on the page. And if nothing else, here comes another



Bump, bumpety, Bump, Bump

[Delta40]

This was inspired from reading old Time magazine in a doctors surgery.

[Charles Darnay]

I love the ending! Overall it is brutally beautiful!

[firefangled]

Without attempting to decipher this poem, its images are nonetheless powerful.

Given the state of the world, I can think of at least a few events that parallel the intent of the imagery.

The concrete shape of the poem even brings to mind the Liberty Bell.

It certainly deserves more thought.

[Haunted]

A very graphic episode. The severed cord especially because of what it symbolizes. The end line feels a bit disconnected to me, pardon the pun, but the horror movie effect isn't' lost on this haunted reader.

[aliengirl]

The brutal beauty of this work is backed by well-chosen images especially by the symbol of "severed cord". The inscription is deceptively peaceful for a site marking fratricide.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Notwithstanding the austere beauty of the bulk of the poem, the last line suffered a bit for me by appearing to echo the inscription on Yeats' headstone:





'Cast a cold Eye
On Life, on Death.
Horseman, pass by!'

[Hawkman]

That last line had me thinking of Simonides epitaph to the 300 spartans who died at Thermopylae: "Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by, that here, obedient to their laws, we lie."

[Delta40]

Perhaps it would read better as:

Here we once stood.
Reduced to nothing more than
a desperate knife fight
between brothers
in a remote telephone box.
And when the cord was severed
our blood was shed,
smeared across cracked windows,
blurring our dying view
of the sparse landscape
into which we were thrown.
Here lies a single stone inscribed:
Passerby please stand here a moment.

What do you think?

[Bar22do]

I love the haunting power emanating from your lines and the poem's topicality, I prefer the first version but the second version's alignment to the left. The poem's shaking and I agree with others re "severed cord"! Best to you, Delta,
Bar

[Hawkman]

The revision works for me Delta.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

The revision works for me Delta.

Live and be well - H

I'm thinking if I make the battle a little more metaphorical it might stand better

[Hawkman]

I think it works as it is, but I don't know what you have in mind. It's your poem, Delta, If you think it needs a bit more we'll see what you mean when you post it.