On the other side of time

[DieterM]

The morning lifts
in cautious hues,
with timeless half-light,
yellow and grey.
The city seems to sleep on,
gagged at last
by the flurry
that casts a virgin shroud
over the dirt,
the black, the drab.
Blurred by flakes
and torn to colourless confetti,
trees doze and villas slumber
while thin fumes give away
their muted snoring.
Cars lie frozen
to contourless curbs,
wearing fluffy coats and bonnets.
Footsteps are sucked away.
The dog barks
after shades and spectres,
an indistinct fleck
in this dream of white.

[ShadowsCool]

Interesting. Fairly descriptive piece that speaks of things beyond what one may notice.

I liked: trees doze and villas slumber.

[Hawkman]

Hi dieter, Sounds like you've had some snow...

You have a bit of a problem at the bgining here - The first thing which struck me was the combination of timeless and latterday, which is a bit contradictroy. 2 adjectives here is overkill really, one or the other, but not both. I'd also be inclined to alter the order of the lines a bit:

"The morning lifts
in cautious hues,
a timelesshalf-light,
yellow and grey."

I'd query:

"over the late dirt,
the black, the drab."

Why is the dirt late? Do you mean recent? If so: "over recent dirt, / black and drab." might be better.

Also, did you meen snoring when you said snorting? snoring fits more coherently with the slumber image. Of course, both are audible so there is a suggestion that these vents make noise. Not sure that it sits well in the sentence which begins with a visual reference, though. The 'thin fumes', I took to be vapour or smoke from heating systems. 'Betray' might be better than 'give away'. but still, given the slumber reference it works well enough with snoring.

Apart from these minor niggles I really like this piece. I love the image of a city gagged by a flurry of snow. I love the conclusion too, but fleck should be flecks in context.

Lovely poem Dieter.

Always a pleasure to read you.

Live and be well - H

"Cars lie frozen
to contourless curbs,
wearing fluffy coats and bonnets."

I exceptionally well crafted in my opinion.

[Delta40]

lovely painted image Dieter. Loved this passage:

Cars lie frozen
to contourless curbs,
wearing fluffy coats and bonnets.
Footsteps are sucked away
as the dog barks
after shades and spectres

[DieterM]

Thanks Shadows, Hawkman and Delta. I agree with you, Hawk, re. the overkill vocabulary at the beginning, so I dumped "latter day", which paints a rather drab picture (something I didn't want but I found it sounded nice, somehow...). "Timeless" depicts the feeling of being "out of time" much better. Oh, btw, yes, absolutely, we had some snow (nothing to be proud of, rather ridiculous really) and I was so happy I volunteered to walk the dog that morning.

I dropped the "late dirt" (I thought it would connect nicely with "shroud" but it didn't work out, I guess) and OMG, how did "snore" become "snort"? One should refrain from writing wearing gloves, I gather ;-). Oh, and the "fleck" at the end was my dog, not the specters (she's off-white, well, rather "off" right now than "white" for she desperately needs a bath, but still…). I tried to correct that by wording it a bit differently.

PS: Hawk, I simply loved "Today is a good day" but, as so often, didn't know what else to say than "Luv it" (and you do know already I'm a groupie of yours, so let's not rub it in too often, okay? lol)

[Hawkman]

OK Dieter, I get the dog thing. but the reader does not know that Fleck is a dog. As it's a proper name in context use a capital F. It would be more obvious if you say Fleck instead of dog. You'd lose the pun (which only you get) so maybe 'indistinct speck' would work instead.

Best - H

[AuntShecky]

Since there are so many winter-themed poems set in rural areas ("Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening") reading one about a snow-covered urban area is refreshing. This one certainly doesn't leave me "cold," but my only question is what's the connection with your title?

[DieterM]

Hawk, just FYI, "Fleck"'s not my dog's name (she's called Nina, after Nina Hagen – unfortunately, I should have thought of "nomen est omen" 'cause she's rather Hagen-ish lunatic, lol) but I tried to create that impression of my dog running around in the snow flurry, half hidden by the softly falling flakes... I'll try to bring up something more precise for the word "fleck"...

Aunty, I'm really very happy that you like the poem. As for the title, it came as an afterthought... That snowy morning had, for me, such an out-of-time quality, with that strange, sunless light, no noise at all - as if I was floating in some parallel universe.

[Bar22do]

I find your poem adorable in its spontaneity; urban winter too can be beautiful, especially under your pen, Dieter.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

the trouble is that you begin by speaking about footsteps, and although you have digressive subordinate clauses, when they end, the the subsequent lines refer to the footsteps. I'm not sure whether you are referring to the sound of the footsteps or the footprints. Either is possible in context. Consequently it reads wrongly when you say, an indistinct fleck, which gramatically should be, 'indistinct flecks.' In order to separate the opening statement from the closing one you need to make the footsteps line a discrete entity with a full stop or a colon. Then the indidstinct fleck would be the dog. You'd have to drop the 'as' before, 'the dog' though.

Live and be well - H

PS thanks for liking 'Today Was a Good Day' - :)

H

[aliengirl]

I think this poem is exquisite from beginning to end. I have always loved descriptive nature poems. Here, I like the way you present it in an urban setting. These lines have a beauty that demands many re-readings-

"trees doze and villas slumber
while thin fumes give away
their muted snoring.
Cars lie frozen
to contourless curbs,
wearing fluffy coats and bonnets."


Enjoy the snow Dieter! :)

[DieterM]

Wow, Hawk, not on a Friday, I beg you! I'm completely confused now, lol. No, I understand perfectly well, no worry.

Aliengirl, glad you liked it. As for the snow, there's not much to enjoy; we only had some ridiculous 2-3 cm, and that has already melted away, alas. But there'll be more in a few days, they say (holding my breath).

[Hawkman]

Good man, Dieter! :D Ok, one last suggestion, (if you can stand it) would be to tack the footsteps line onto the bonnets sentence with an and. I promise to shut up now. It's still a great poem :D

Live and be well - H

[BookBeauty]

Have I not spoken on this one? Shame on me, BB.

Wow, this is really nice. It's fluid and unreal.

I love it because it's so tactile and unique. A city being gagged to sleep... I love that!